The stupid life I have

baire

It was showing.
Or at least I thought it did.
But the way the people looked at me, laughed with me, I guess it didn't show.
My hands moved quickly and presice under the table, my lips were pressed together and I tried so hard to keep it in.
Still, it must've showed!

The air in my lungs became to little to breath so I leaned to the side and cought.

You ok?

Yeah yeah, I just swallowed wrong.

I could've said something different. But they didn't ask about it. They asked if I was ok or if I needed a glas of water.
And how I knew? They didn't look at me like they asked about the other stuff.
They looked at me like they wanted to help but not like they wanted to know what to help with.

I sunk a little further into the chair and tried to calm my heartbeat.
It must've showed!
It just had to!!

The evening went on, and nothing happend. Nobody asked.
Eventhough I didn't talk.
Didn't eat.
But I still laughed, so no one asked if something was going on.
I just keept on taking one sip after another. Slowly feeling the alcohol sinking into my brain and quieting all the thoughts.

As the third can enptied my hand had stopped to shake and I was sitting still again.
Starring into space, feeling my eyelids getting heavier.
I smiled at a joke, didn't laugh.
That's when they asked.

Are you ok?

And I didn't say anything.
Just nooded.
No I was not!
No I was not ok. But how could I say that without wanting them to ask more ?

And without saying anything, they just came to me.
And huged me.
I closed my eyes, just for one second.
And in that second, my whole heart sunk deeper than it ever had.
And I felt safe.
In their arms, in that moment.
Just breathing, not thinking, not covering anything, not masking.
Baire.
Safe.