The stupid life I have

pain

It's a new kind of feeling.
That kind of feeling that echos in the forest. It's loud and quiet at the same time. And it hurts just thinking of it.

It hurts when I'm not even there. And it hurts when you aren't here.
It hurts even when five minutes ago I was laughing and singing with you.

I think it's strange, that I want to throw up just by thinking of it but at the same time I could eat one whole cake that is way to sweet. And I could do it without even taking one sip of the alcohol that's sitting right next to me. I hate that, the feeling, is the reason I eat each morning insteed of hovering over the toilet even though I now nothing is gonna come out because I didn't eat anything the night before. I hate that I like the feeling so much it's the reason I'm still alive.

Because it really just is the pain that is keeping me on my feet. It's the feeling of hopelessness, that is making me want to survive and not just give up.
It is the fact that everytime I think I'm done with everything, something new comes up and destroys me again. I can't beire that, really but I also can't escape it and that just makes me wonder if I could.

Nothing is as bad as it seems sometimes and I hate that. I don't like that it is true and I hate that I am aware of that. Because the moment I feel like drowning, I think of everything that could be worse and than suddenly everything is ok again. And that's making me sick, and icky and just bad.
I hate that the feeling of pain is making me say all this. I hate that this pain is making me open up. I hate that it makes me numb and sometimes even beautiful and happy. And most of all I hate that my pain is you.