The stupid life I have

uncomfortable

The tram was filling up to the rim as I stood there, quiet. The other people were pressing against me and all I wanted to do was get out.
But there was no way out, the doors were closing and the tram was moving forward.

I felt my body shaking with every station we passed. I didn't want this.
I didn't want any of this.
But I had no choice.
Well I guess I did, but I had to get away somehow and since it was raining outside I thought the tram would be the best option.
The windows were getting foggy because of the cold air outside and the warmth of the people inside.

When the tram finally stopped at my station, it felt like everyone was starring at me. I shrug as someone moved next to me. Without thinking I grabbed my bag and stormed out the door as it was barely open.

When I got out I breathed heavily, close to having a panic attack.
What the hell was wrong with me?
Nothing even happend.
But still my whole body was shaking. I shook my head slightly in the hope it would make the feeling go away.
It didn't work.

I started walking.
Faster than normaly, although my normal speed was also fast.
When I got to the traffic light I stopped, my hands were shaking and my whole body felt like running.
I starred at the light, the red man burning in my eyes.

And suddenly the red light got blurry. I blinked.
Once, twice.
A tear rolled down my cheek and I felt the hot liquid burning on my cold skin.
I didn't want this.
I didn't.

And than I just ran.
I ran across the street, ran as fast as I could.
Everything stopped, people were shouting, cars blowed there horns at me.
But I didn't care.
I just ran.

But what if I didn't run?
What if the cars didn't stopp just a few centimeters before me?
What if no one cared.
I would be laying there.
Crushed on the concrete.
Not breathing, not crying.
Not running.
What would it feel like?
Would it feel terrible?
Would it hurt?
Or would it just feel the same as I felt right than?

The slight difference between me running and not running was, if I hadn't run, this feeling of emptyness and being trapped at the same time would've stopped.
It would be over.
Finally, over.