And all the voices were loud and washed around my ears like big waves that shut down my brain.
But I kept on smiling, couldn't stop, couldn't escape.
And I know that that's wrong.
I know.
I wish I didn't do that.
I wish I wouldn't feel the need to smile and nood just because it was too hard to tell what I was thinking.
Because it wasn't really, hard.
I guess the thought of them looking at me all disgusted made me miserable.
Or the way, they would look away once they knew, or the way, they would look at me differently at all.
So I kept on smiling and nooding, in the hope that that would make me feel more shure of myself.
Of everything.
I knew I didn't have to do this.
In fact I was pretty shure no one made me or wanted me to do this.
Effectively I was independent in what I did.
But really I wasn't.
Not even a little.
I mean yes no one was threatening me if I wouldn't do something, but still it didn't feel like it was my own choice to do certain things.
Like hugging when you say goodby or hello. No one actually told you to do it, but still you do.
Because actually your not independent.
They just make you feel like you are.
So you feel safe.
So you trust.
Eventhough there is nothing and no one that can be trusted.
No one ever, and you know that.
But you don't really listen, cause if you did, there would be nothing but loneliness.
YOU ARE READING
The stupid life I have
AcakUsually I don't write down what I feel and think, but sometimes, when it's really quiet, the words come over me and fill my head. So I write them down, one by one. And maybe someone will read them, and finally understand what I want to say. ~ these...
