The stupid life I have

Ashamed

The words in my mouth froze as you started to speak.
I didn't want to interrupt you, didn't want you to stop talking.
So I shut my mouth, to stop myself from saying something that I might regret.

The last time we spoke like this, open and without any hesitation, my eyes were red from all the crying and I had just banged my fist against my head in the bathroom.
Away from you, away from all the noice that was there.
Alone.

The next day, we didn't speak.
We didn't look at each other.
Why?
Did I do something?
Did you do something?
Something you regretted, something that you wished you haven't done.
Do you feel like that sometimes?
Do you feel like me?

I felt empty that day, and the day after that, because I didn't knew what happened, didn't knew what was going on.
I was scared.
Scared of losing you and everything that was with you.

That day I looked around me, watched all the others.
And watched how they huddled away from the rain.
Watched how they keept each other warm, and safe.

And now I was sitting there, trying to keep you safe, from me, from what I could possibly do.
Your eyes sparkeld as you talked about something, I don't remeber what.
I smiled.
At you.
About you.
I smiled because you made me feel like it.
Like smiling.
When you saw that I was smiling you stopped talking.
I keept looking at you, confused, I didn't know why you stopped.
Then you hid your face and looked down.
Ashamed.
But why were you ashamed, you didn't say anything wrong, and even if, there was nothing wrong with beeing wrong sometimes.
I looked at you, still not saying anything, because I was scared of doing something wrong.

Eventually the people around us started talking and I had to put my focus on them.
Because I felt like I was making you uncomfortable, eventhough you were looking at me, smiling, hiding your face.

I liked when you smiled at me, it made me feel warm.
I liked looking at you, and you looking at me.
But I was scared of ruining it by speaking, by looking at you for too long.
I was scared of ruining it by showing too much affection.
Too much affection for you.
Too much to handel for me.
And too much for the others, I was scared they were going to look at me and all that I could do was look at you. Feeling scared and ashamed.

And when I left, I could see something in your eyes, like you didn't want me to leave, like you wanted me to stay, like you wanted... something.