The stupid life I have

concidering

Maybe if I was just prettier.
Maybe if I was not so loud.
Maybe if I was more like them.
Maybe if I was just enough.
Or maybe, maybe if I simply believe.

The air was cold and sharp as it hit my face. With a slight shiver and a frown of my eyebrows I shook it off and continued walking.
Little clouds of breath formed in front of my face and I smiled.
For one moment, everything was ok. My heart was beating, my lungs were expanding and falling.

The city looked dark and sleepy.
Only the lights of the streetlights and a few windows were shining like little fireflies in the dark of the night.
And the moon, bright and white, crowded by clouds, was hanging a silver shimer over everything.

I took a deep breath in and out.
I was happy, simply happy.

But then, when the sun came out, all the houses woke up and the voices begann to speak, the happienes faided away like smoke that slowly resolves in the air.

And then, when I saw them, looking like they always look, talking like they always talk and laughing like they always laugh, I begann to wonder.
Would I be happier if I was like them?
Would I be happier if I was with them, when I was with anyone?

But no, it would make everything even more complicated than it already is.
But still, I started to concider it.
Started to imagine how it would feel like, lying in there arms, feeling their laugh against my skin. Hearing their voice calling out my name.
I catch myself concidering, everything that would maybe, just maybe make me a bit happier.

When I catch myself thinking those things I usually try to shake it off. I try looking away and just block that thought out. But then I see them looking at me, and I ask myself, do they concider it too?
Or are they just looking at me because I was the one starring at them the whole time?
And if they did, concider it, concider anything, did they do it with me?

Probably not with me.
Maybe, but probably not.
Because I'm me.
I think of those things, but when it only comes close to actaully happening, I get too scared and turn away.
So I guess that's it, with me, with everyone at some point.
Or maybe just me.
Probably.
But maybe not.