Sitting in this room, crowded with people.
Nice people, bad people.
People that I love.
And all of the sudden there is this feeling, it's dark and tingly.
Climbing up my back, up to my neck, surrounding me like cold cigarette smoke.
Dissolving, slowly, but leaving something behind. A scent of bitterness, and the herb taste in your mouth when you try to swallow.
It sticks to you, caught in your hair, your clothes, your head. And no matter what you try to do, it stays there, reminding you, that you're not really ok.
like you always say
like you always show
It reminds you that deep down inside of you, you feel empty. Unbothered by the fact that they're all laughing, unbothered that they like you. You just feel like they hate you. Every step that you make, every word that you say.
Though they never say
they never show
You're sure. They hate you, with their whole gut.
And as I gaze into the distance, I feel eyes on my face.
Looking up, I look right into them, watching me, trying to see what I just saw. In the distance, where I laid my eyes to disappear for a moment, to let the feeling fade away and brush off the smoke just a little bit, so I could see clearer, so I could see how I should feel right now.
I put a slight smile onto my lips, not to big so I would seem overly happy, but big enough to take away that look of concern from the eyes that were watching me.
Are you ok ?
Form the lips the silent question. The eyes, belonging to the same face, still looking at me with apprehension, trying to figure out what is going on. Trying to see if they can help, if there is anyway they can make it better, trying to say that there here for me.
I know what they want to know. Know what they want to hear, not just a simple answer to get them off, they want to know the truth. They want to help and tell you that, no matter what it is, it's going to be ok.
I know it, because I have been those eyes so many times.
And although I know what they want to here, know what they are trying to do, I just smile a bit wider and nod.
Yeah, I'm fine
YOU ARE READING
The stupid life I have
RandomUsually I don't write down what I feel and think, but sometimes, when it's really quiet, the words come over me and fill my head. So I write them down, one by one. And maybe someone will read them, and finally understand what I want to say. ~ these...
