The stupid life I have

dizzy

The words that are running through my head are too loud and too heavy to be said out loud. And still they're laying so thick on my toung that I think I might be able to chew them.

At first all that I could say was:

Hey
So, whats up?

And then I waited, patiently. Until the other person said something that I could comment on, something to which I could response or do... anything.
And usually they ask whats new. How the family is doing and what is going on in there life. Of course they don't just mean their life. Since we're a family, I guess they think my life equals there life.

But I never really know what to tell them.
I don't know.
Shure I can tell them were they are right now and what we had for dinner the last days, but other than that... I don't know.

I guess it's Hard for me to tell you something about them, or us, because I don't want to talk about anything that has to do with me, with my feelings and how I'm doing.

Cause I don't know.
I don't know what I'm feeling nor how I'm doing.
I just don't know, and I'm sorry.

Actually I'm more than sorry for all of this.
Indeed I plead for your forgivness.
I'm sorry that I told you all of this and burdend you this way.
I'm so sorry.
I know I'm not good. I know that I could try, but I can't.
I can't
I simply can't

So without saying anything like that to them, something that would explain my confused look and my quiet words, they have to go. And so they go, move on with there day, until we meet again by coincidence and they ask me again.

Whats new?

And all though there is nothing new to tell, nothing more that I could share that wouldn't make me sick, I keep on talking until they have to go, again.

I'm sorry
I'm so sorry