When we were wallflowers

12

"How was your day?" Papa smiled. He placed food in front of us, and I forced a smile. "It was okay," I smiled. I looked over to Matthew, who did not say a word. "What is wrong, children? Bad day? What can I do to make it better?" Papa asked. He was so sweet to us, too precious to us.

I felt that I didn't deserve it after what I had caused. I clenched my fists under the table and felt my eyes welling up with tears. I hated myself! I hated Ivan and that school! I hated them for hating my family and myself for ruining it.

I looked down at the plate of food and saw a tear fall onto the cooked vegetable. "Alfred? Are you okay?" Papa asked. I sniffled and shook my head. I wasn't okay, but I wasn't sure how to express why.

I looked up at them finally, and they both looked worried. "I'm not okay... but I don't know what to do," I spoke. My papa smiled at me and walked over to me. He put his arms around me and placed his chin on my head. "Then don't do anything... there is only so much anyone can do. Don't stress yourself out trying to find the words to say. We are human and deserve to have feelings, and we should not be forced out. Matthew and I will always be here for you when you are ready to talk," papa smiled.

Matthew reached across the table to grab my hand, and I felt the tears stain my cheeks. I didn't deserve them, and they deserve better. "Thank you," I whispered, feeling papa kiss the top of my head.

~
Matthew and I talked last night about Ivan and Adnan. "I talked to the person who sat beside me, and his name is Kiku. Not to brag, but he would have come over tonight if it weren't for Ivan," I smiled.

"Yeah, blame it on Ivan!"

"I'm serious! Kiku! He said we were on Ivan's bad side and didn't want any trouble. Ivan is the toughest bully at the school; once you are his target, he will target those around you," I explained. Matthew looked conceded as if he had realized something. "What?" I asked.

"Well, I suppose that makes sense."

"It does?"

"Yeah, I tried to invite Carlos over too... once I told him where we lived, he immediately made this fake excuse on why he couldn't come."

"Oh... that's not good," I spoke. People were going to be too afraid to be our friends. "Kiku does want to meet us tomorrow for lunch. He said it's a secluded area, so Ivan nor Adnan will be able to see us talking," I added. "Ahh, Kiku seems very helpful," he wiggled his eyebrows. My eyes widened at what he said, and I immediately crossed my arms in an X.

"No way! Don't even say that! He is a nice person who is giving advice to both of us," I tried to defend. However, Matthew kept making faces at me.

"Alfred and Kiku, sitting in a tree, K-i-s-s-i-n-g!"

"You are such a child!"

"First comes love, then comes marriage!"

"Shut up!"

"Then comes a baby with a baby carriage!"

"It is getting late, and you should go to sleep," he spoke. Matthew looked at the time, and I nodded. I stood up from his bed and began to walk out slowly. Suddenly, something hit me. I started to laugh and shoved Matthew away.

"By the way... I'm sorry about—well, about me crying earlier," I spoke, embarrassed. I looked at Matthew sadly, but he still smiled at me. "Don't worry about that. We have all been through a lot, and sometimes we have those moments of despair. I have them quite often, and you are always there for me. I'm more worried for papa... one day he is going to pop, and who knows if it will cause sadness or anger," he spoke.

"What? Like, hit us?"

"No! He would never hit us... I mean that... well— I'm not sure if I could put it into words..." he paused and looked at me, worried. I had a feeling I knew what he meant. "You don't think he'd ever kill himself?"

I felt horrified saying that out loud.

"I want to say no because he wouldn't want to leave us alone, but he is depressed...everything he does, it is like he is forcing himself to do. Papa lost his husband and best friend... I want to believe he wouldn't, but if he doesn't talk about how he feels... he will get worse. Papa doesn't even need to talk to us, anyone who could help."

"I'm sure there is a lot more that he has gone through without telling us," I spoke.

"He will be fine, right?" I asked. Matthew looked at me sadly and shrugged. "When you were in the hospital, I think he was preparing himself for you to pass away. The look in his eye and how he looked at me was like he stared at me like I was the only family he had left. Then you woke up, and when he told you the news...it seemed that you..."

Matthew paused, tears falling from his eyes.

"Hey, it's okay; I'm still here," I reassured. I went to hug him, and he wiped his eyes. "It seemed as if you died... Alfred, we all aren't the same after what happened, but it's affected you the most, and I'm sorry," he whispered. I smiled at him and shook my head. "Don't ever be sorry; we all have each other now, so we must protect each other. I know papa doesn't want me fighting, but I will if I'm pushed to it," I spoke. He nodded his head and wiped his tears. "I know you will, idiot," he laughed. I rested my head on his and slowly stood up.

"I will go now, have a good night," I spoke. He nodded at me, and I quietly left his room. I closed the door and suddenly saw a figure that terrified me. "Oh! I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you," the voice spoke.

I breathed out, relieved seeing it was papa. He had just come up the stairs. He was probably turning everything off. "My bad, I'm going to bed," I spoke. "Sounds good, me too. Have a good night," he smiled. My hand reached for the doorknob of my room as he passed me.

I couldn't help it, and I needed to know.

"Hey...papa..."

"Hmm? What is it?"

We both looked at each other, and he stared at me, confused. "Are you—okay?"

"Hmm? That's odd, sure, I guess I am," he laughed, confused. I looked at him sadly, and he continued to smile. "No, I mean...about—.."

"Don't worry about that...I'm here for the two of you; that's all that matters," he whispered. I looked at him sadly and nodded. "Okay then..." I spoke. We said our goodbyes and went our separate ways.

He is not OK.