When we were wallflowers

11

I sat in my last period, waiting for the person to show up. I wanted to try and talk to them, and I just had to. When the passing period bell began to chime, I looked around the room for any new face. The door closed shut, and I felt disappointed. "Alright, everyone! Take your seats!" The teacher announced. I breathed out sadly and began to take my supplies out.

I heard some commotion and didn't bother looking up. "Mr. Honda! Late again!"

"I'm sorry! I had to ask my teacher about something," the voice spoke. I continued to look through my bag for some pencils. "It is fine; hurry and take your seat," the teacher said. I pulled out my pencil pouch and began to look through it. "Yes, ma'am!"

I took out a mechanical pencil and began inspecting the end of it. "Oh, you must be the new person everyone was telling me about," a voice spoke softly. I looked up, and my eyes widened at the boy. He was short and thin and had a bowl-cut type of hairstyle. "Oh, yeah..." I spoke.

The boy sat down and began to get his stuff out. "Wait, who told you about me?" I asked. "Umm, well, people in this class and other people around the school, you have a brother, right? What are your names?" He asked.

I smiled as he asked.

Your ass is grass, Matthew.

"I'm Alfred, and my brother Matthew is the other," I laughed. "The other one? Interesting, I heard that Ivan and Adnan took a strange liking to you both," Kiku looked at me, and my eyes widened. "Depends what you consider "like" they are both crazy, if anything," I rolled my eyes. He looked at me seriously and came slightly closer.

"It isn't a good thing... how do you know him anyway?" He asked.

"Ivan is my neighbor."

"Well, I wish you the best of luck, I'm sorry to say this, but you will go through hell," he whispered. My eyes widened, and I looked at him seriously. "You should tell me more about it... do you want to come over to my place tonight? We can gossip," I chuckled.

"Umm... I don't know if that's a good idea; Ivan is your neighbor," he spoke. "Yeah, so what? He can think whatever he wants," I rolled my eyes. He breathed out and shook his head. "I don't think you understand what I'm trying to imply," he started. "Ivan is not one to mess with, and he is freaking terrifying. No one dares even to look his way. I'm sorry to say this, but I don't want any trouble. If you are on his bad side, I'm basically a target talking to you. I'm sorry, but if I were to go over, there better be a back door, and I better be covered up because I want to stay out of it," he whispered.

So Ivan was the big scary bully of the school, and everyone was afraid of him?

"How about I sneak you in then?" I whispered. He smiled at me and shook his head. "How about we wait for a little? We can have lunch in secret tomorrow. I know a secluded place... away from Ivan and Adnan, we can meet there, and you can bring your brother," he smiled, whispering. I smiled at him and nodded.

He seems like such a nice person! I can't wait to be friends with him.

"Where are you from?" He asked. "England, my dad was born there, and my other dad is from France," I whispered. "Two dads?" He asked. I nodded at him, and it was like something had clicked in his mind. "What is it?" I asked. "Well...nothing too worrisome, people were calling you and your brother fags, but I did not know why."

My eyes widened, and I got serious. "Ivan most likely started that, my papa told his sister, and he was standing there," I explained. "Ah, I see," he spoke. "What did your dads say about it?" He asked.

"My papa was upset and wanted us to let him know if things at school were bad, but we haven't said anything... we don't want to stress him out," I explained. "Oh, what about your other dad? Does he agree?" He asked.

I felt my stomach sink, and I looked away from him. "What's wrong?" He asked. I didn't respond to him. I felt despondent again. My sadness was getting worse. Even the mention of my dad caused me to dissociate. "He is passed...that's why we moved here," I whispered. Looking at him from the corner of my eye, he looked remorseful and sad. "I'm sorry for your loss," he spoke.

It was always that.

Sorry for your loss...

What a weird thing to say to break the awkwardness. It makes both parties regret saying anything. "Don't worry, I'm fine," I smiled.

I wasn't okay.

I felt the need to lie about it because I didn't want people to worry.

"If you don't mind me asking, how did he pass?" He asked. "It was a car accident..." I spoke slowly. That did not make his expression any better. "Oh, well, at least no one else was hurt," he whispered. I looked at him, worried, not saying anything.

"Yeah..." I whispered. Physically, it was just me. Emotionally, it hurt the hell out of everyone who knew him: my papa, his brothers, my aunt and uncles, Matthew, and me.

Hearing his name caused silence and discomfort. No one could move on, especially his close family. Us.

His presence was still around us, in our photos, decorations, clothes, our habits; he was not going away anytime soon.

Yet he was gone.

He was gone.

His life no longer exists and was hard for me to process.

How could someone be here one moment and then gone the next? It was a tragic feeling of loss. Grief isn't what you'd expect. They divide up the stages into simple categories, and it seems so simple. However, each stage is worse than the last.

Denial...

When I was in the hospital, I laughed when they told me. I didn't believe them and demanded they bring my dad into the room. This stage was challenging for everyone. My papa would call out to my dad, knowing he would not answer. Matthew would wake up early to clean his coat for the day. He stopped once he realized that the coat looked the same from not being worn.

Anger...

My papa did not show us this stage to us, but Matthew and I went through it badly. I destroyed my room several times, and Matthew would sneak out. One day I followed him and saw him go to an empty wooded area at night. He would use my old bat to destroy a nearby tree. After catching him once, I snapped out of it and stopped ruining my things.

Bargaining...

I was desperate to make the pain go away. I resorted to hurting myself a lot. Not the stereotypical cuts that some people might think. Whenever I thought of my dad, I would pinch myself hard. It caused some bleeding, but at the time, it made me feel a little better.

Depression...

Everyone was still in this stage.

This dreadful stage...

We are learning to live a life without him in it.