When we were wallflowers

27 (extra 2)

"I am so sorry for your loss," People who knew Arthur in life would tell me. I sat near his casket, watching him. He looked like he was asleep, but I knew he was not. "Francis, how are you holding up?" My sister asked. She sat beside me, and I had no idea what to tell her. I was still processing that my husband, Arthur, was in that casket. "I am not sure," I explained. "Francis, I am so sorry," she cried. She pulled me in for a hug, and I did not know what to do.

I wanted to run away from all of this. I wanted to kill myself and be with him again. I could not bare living a life without him in it. This was bullshit! he promised me we would grow old together and always be there for each other. This was not supposed to happen! WHY! It should have been me first, if anything.

It felt like god was punishing me for absolutely no reason! This was not fair! I was holding in all the tears I wanted to shed. I did not want everyone to see me break down the way I wanted to. Within an hour, he was gone! If I had known, I would have stopped them from going! I would have offered to go instead, maybe. Alfred blamed himself, and I had no idea what to do. There is only so much of "Do not blame yourself," I could say before he does not care. He was nearly on the verge of death in that hospital, yet he still blames himself. One minute later, he would be getting viewed today as well. How was that fair?

"I know it is hard, but please, you need to talk to them," My sister spoke. I looked at her sadly and then at my boys. I had no idea what to tell them. They were holding each other, and all I could do was stare at Arthur in that casket. "We can talk to him, go and take care of the boys," Antonio spoke. I did not say anything.

I continued to stare at the casket. I felt tears fall from my eyes, and I quickly wiped them away, so the boys would not see. Antonio sat to my left, and Gilbert sat to my right. They put their arms around me and held me close. "It is OK to cry, Francis," Antonio whispered. I continued to stare at the casket and closed my eyes sadly. Tears fell down my cheeks, and I continued to wipe them away.

"I know it is hard, but you have to take care of the boys right now," Gilbert spoke. His voice cracked, and he looked at me, saddened. "I do not know what to do," I whispered. "I do not know either," Antonio cried. They continued to hold onto me.

I stood away from them and suddenly felt a hand on my shoulder. I turned to see Dylan. His eyes were red, and he looked at me with remorse. "The funeral people said they would keep him out longer," he spoke. I nodded at him and did my best to smile. "That is good," I whispered. I turned away from him and walked to the casket.

I began to fix his suit and brushed some of his hair out of his face. "Till death do us part," I whispered. I pulled a flower off one of the nearby bouquets and placed the small flower in his hands. "You idiot, you broke my heart again," I whispered. His eyes were delicately closed, and his face was softened. He did not look angry, sad, or happy. His hand was cold and stiff; there was no more warmth and softness to him anymore. "Goodbye, my love, you will always have my heart, even when death did us part," I whispered. I leaned into the casket slowly.

I placed a kiss on his forehead and struggled to take a deep breath. It had gotten so hard to breathe; it was like I was suffocating. I pulled out of the casket and smiled at him. "You look beautiful, darling, do not worry," I whispered. I felt a hand touch my shoulder, and I looked, seeing Matthew and Alfred.

I quickly pulled them in for an embrace, and they immediately began sobbing into my black suit. My heart was breaking, and I was unsure how much I could handle this. "You both are going to stay with Lucile tonight; I have to handle burial arrangements," I explained. "Please, can we stay with you?" Matthew cried. "It will only be for a little bit, and I will be with you later tonight," I explained. They both started crying, and Lucile came to me. "Do not worry, boys, he will be home tonight," she tried to reassure.

I was glad she sensed the mood. I was not handling burial arrangements. I wanted to be alone with Arthur a little longer. It was selfish of me, I know that. I did not know how else to cope right now, and It made me feel guilty.

~

Later that day, as everyone left. Lucile reassured me the boys would be OK. She promised to make sure they ate and got some rest.

I closed the door to the room and walked back over to the casket. I pulled a chair beside where he lay and leaned against it. I was staring at him and began caressing his hair softly. His hair felt the same, rough.

Where does love go when someone dies? Their last breath disappears into the atmosphere, and their body gets buried in the ground, but where does the love go? If love is real, it must go somewhere. My love for him is eternal; I could never stop loving someone like him. "Rest easy, my love, and I will ensure the boys are OK. I promise I will not fail them, as I have you."

I felt tears fall from my eyes and soon began to break down. I was sobbing over him and held onto his stiff hand. "There has been no love sweeter than the love I had for you," I cried. I watched as the tears fell onto his skin. This was the last time I would see him. The last kiss I gave him... and everything I felt. I needed to make sure his image was burned into my mind.

"I told you to be safe," I cried.

I sat at the funeral home till they informed me I had to leave. I touched Arthur's cheek one last time and managed to breathe. "You were too good for this world," I whispered. I leaned into his casket one last time to kiss his cheek and finally turned my back on him. I stopped in my tracks and looked back at him sadly before leaving.

~

At the burial, I spoke on behalf of everyone. At first, I knew it would be hard, but I agreed to give him a proper farewell.

"We are gathered here today to remember the life of Arthur Kirkland, "His life was gentle, and the elements, So mixed in him that Nature might stand up, And say to all the world, THIS WAS A MAN!" William Shakespeare wrote. I believe that Arthur harnessed these elements in his life," I began.

"Arthur was more than my husband, A brother, friend, or father. He had his own dreams and desires. He loved to sew ridiculous things that somehow were terrific. He made the worst jokes and somehow managed to make people around him laugh. He loved to cook yet was somehow bad at it. Lord knows I would eat his food and pretend I liked it."

"Arthur will have a special place in all of our hearts. He affected us so much that we can not forget him as time passes. Arthur cared for everyone in his way and did not like being wrong about anything. He saw the goodness of everyone alike and always made sure to point out ridiculous things. He was a good father, brother, friend, husband...and individual. He may be gone, but his memory and stories of his life will live on inside all of us till the end of time."

I stopped talking and twirled the rose I had in between my fingers. "My dearest Arthur, your life will always live on in our hearts," I spoke. I placed the rose on his casket, and people began to do the same.

I stood to the side and watched as Alfred and Matthew came to me. I held them close, and we looked at everyone placing their roses on his casket. "Papa is here, do not worry," I whispered, kissing the top of their heads.