Heartless Vasiliev

Chapter Two

Nathaniel

“Hon, I'm impotent.” Shock and disappointment flashed on her face. I couldn't blame her for it, but it still hurt. Damn it, Nathaniel.

"What? Hon, ano ba‘ng sinasabi mo?" I remained quiet. "Nathaniel, this is not a good joke."

"I'm not joking. Celeste, baog ako."

I didn't have the courage to tell her a while earlier while I was driving. Pinaabot ko na lang dito sa bahay para mas makapag-isip ako kung ano ang gagawin ko. I locked eyes with her. I know for a fact that she is hurt. She tried her best to smile, but failed. Ilang beses siyang huminga nang malalim bago nagpaalam na maliligo. I stared at her back as she walked away.

I felt weak, like my body literally lost all the energy left. I waited for her tp finish, but when she did, she never talked to me. She dried her hair in front of me and went straight to bed. I didn't bother her.

Having a family of our own is a dream that Celeste have been telling me since we were in college. Ang sabi pa niya, kahit hindi muna kami ikasal, basta gusto niya na kaagad ng anak. I've known that I am infertile since my last year in college, but I didn't have the courage to tell her.

Tumabi ako sa kaniya sa kama, at kahit nakatalikod siya sa akin, niyakap ko pa rin siya. "Sorry, hon."

Mukhang tulog na rin siya. I closed my eyes, but her face kept flashing in my mind. I couldn't push myself to sleep knowing that I had hurt her. I got up and went downstairs, to the kitchen. I still have a couple cans of beer in my fridge, and also got myself a bottle of whiskey. That night, I drowned myself in liquor and hurtful thoughts. Who would've thought it could be this painful.

Alam kong matagal nang pangarap ni Celeste ang isang anak, at alam kong puwedeng masira ang relasyon namin, pero may parte pa rin sa sarili ko na umaasang walang magbabago. Masiyado bang mahirap kung gustuhin ko iyon?

Nang makaramdam ng pagkahilo, umakyat na rin kaagad ako sa kuwarto namin. I sat on the bed just beside her and gave a peck on her cheek. She is already sleeping soundly. Hindi ako humiga sa tabi niya dahil ayaw niya sa amoy ng alak. I slept on the couch in our room. The alcohol was an effective way to fall asleep. I immediately drowsed off to sleep and the last thing I saw is Celeste's back.

THE NEXT morning, Celeste was nowhere to be found. The bed is already fixed and food is ready on the table. Wala na rin ang kotse niya sa garage at maging ang mga gamit niya. Maybe she must've gone to work. I quietly ate what she prepared for me. Umagang-umaga, ang sama na kaagad ng pakiramdam ko. May lunch meeting pa ako with those who helped me sa art exhibit.

Habang wala pa akong ginagawa, I fixed myself. I cleaned up and wore simple clothes. I drove to the nearest florist and had a bouquet of her favorite flowers arranged. I also went to the supermarket to buy some of her favorite chocolates. I might as well book a dinner at a restaurant, just to make it up to her.

I went straight to the boutique she's working at. I went straight to her small office where she sat. Her back was facing mine, so I quietly approached her. It seems like she didn't notice me.

"Celeste, hon?"

Gulat siyang humarap sa akin. "Nathan, what are you doing here?"

"I brought your favorites. Ang aga mong umalis ng bahay."

"Ang dami ko kasing asikasuhin. Two of my colleagues took a day off, kaya gan'on."

"I'll book us a dinner date, hmm? Saan mo gusto?"

"Actually, I think didiretso na lang ako sa bahay. I'm sure that I'll be exhausted before dinner, so magpapahinga na ako. You can eat outside, if you want, hon."

"Galit ka?"

She shook her head. "No."

"Hon, please? Hindi ko alam kung nagtatampo ka, o galit ba?"

"A question lang, Tan. Kailan mo pa nalaman ang tungkol doon?"

I immediately knew what she is talking about. "Senior year in college," I replied then bit my lip.

"And all those years we've been together, hindi mo man lang naisip na sabihin sa akin?"

"I'm sorry. I was afraid you'd leave me, hon. Baka magalit ka sa akin." She did not say anything. "But it's not my fault that I'm like this, right?"

Pain flashed on her face. "I don't blame you for something that you cannot control. My point is, Nathan, I felt like you gave me false hopes. I felt like you lied to me."

"Hon. . ."

"Everytime we made love, umaasa akong may mabubuo. You should've just told me about it!"

"Hon, I'm so sorry." I tried holding her hand, pero iniwas niya. "How can I make it up to you?"

She sighed. "Give me some time alone, please? Gusto kong mag-isip-isip."

"You're not gonna break up with me, right?" She looked at me. "Right, Celeste?"

"I love you, Nathaniel. I could never leave you. I just really need time to process everything."

With a heavy heart, I agreed to her. I leaned in to kiss her. First, I kissed her forehead, then her nose, down to her lips. She closed her eyes as I did it.

"I love you, Celeste."

"I love you."

"Susunduin pa ba kita mamayang gabi?"

"I have my car with me."

"Yeah, but like, sabay tayong uuwi?"

"You can go ahead, hon."

I bid my goodbye, the went to my car. I checked my wristwatch, and found out it's almost time for my lunch meeting. I took a quick glance at the boutique before driving away.

As I was driving, I was hoping that nothing will change. Sana, kahit papaano ay pipiliin ni Celeste ang tama. Sana hindi kami masira. I couldn't imagine her leaving me, or loving me with a heavy heart.