Heartless Vasiliev

Chapter Six

Celeste

Days after breaking up with Nathan and everything has been stressful lately. Tatlong linggo na mula nang makipaghiwalay ako kay Nathan. Tatlong linggo na rin akong walang maayos na tulog. I've been crying myself to sleep. I want to go back to him and beg him to take me back, pero tuwing naiisip ko siya, naaalala ko ang pagtataksil ko sa kaniya noon.

It wasn't because of his condition that made me leave him, but the guilt that I felt after it all resurfaced. Hindi rin nakakatulong na dalawang linggo na akong kinukulit ni Konrad dito sa trabaho ko. He's been visiting me everyday for the past two weeks, bringing me flowers and food just so he could ease my pain.

"Celeste, may dala ako para sa 'yo," he said as he gave me a bouquet of red roses and a cake.

"Kumusta si Tan?" tanong ko at kaagad na sumama ang timpla ng mukha niya.

"Ako 'yong nandito, bakit siya ang hinahanap mo?"

"Dahil siya naman ang mahal ko."

Pagak na tumawa si Rad. Nasa likod ko siya. I can feel him stroking my hair. "He's moving on, Celeste. Ikaw rin, mag-move on ka na. Ano ba kasi ang nakita mo sa kapatid ko at mahal na mahal mo siya? I am the better Vasiliev. Ilang taon na kitang hinahabol, ayaw mo ba talaga sa akin?"

"Mali kasi 'yon, Rad. Ex-girlfriend ako ng kapatid mo. Hindi magandang tingnan."

"Fuck those reasons, Celeste! Iyong iisipin lang naman ng ibang tao ang pumipigil sa 'yo, 'di ba? Sa dami ng rason mo, hindi mo sinabing hindi mo ako gusto!" Lumuhod siya sa hinaplos ang mukha ko. "Be with me, Celeste. I am better than Nathaniel. Kaya kitang bigyan ng anak. We can be a happy family."

I took a deep breath. "Umalis ka muna, Rad. I can't deal with all of this right now."

He stood firm. "Give me one night, Celeste. One night to prove that I am better."

"Hindi ikaw si Nathan!" I yelled. "Hindi ikaw ang kapatid mo, kaya utang na loob, Konrad, umalis ka na!"

He looked defeated. "This isn't the end, Celeste. You will end up with me. I won't give up on you."

As soon as he left, I broke down. "Please Rad, tama na. Hindi tayo puwede," I begged.

I'm afraid that if he doesn't give up sooner, I might falter. Magkamukha sila ni Nathan, and every time he spoke lovingly to me, it reminded me of Nathan. I wanted Nathan back, but I caused him enough pain and I'm too proud to admit that leaving him broke me. Rad keeps coming here and it reminds me of Nathan everyday. I'm scared because Konrad might be the only chance I have to experience the same feeling I had with Nathan.

Kung hindi na puwede kay Nathan, masama ba talagang hanapin ko ang pagmamahal sa kuya niya? Ano pa ba ang magbabago? Hindi naman na madadagdagan ang kasalanan ko kung matagal ko nang nagawa, 'di ba?

"Celeste!" Nabalik ako sa reyalidad nang marinig ang boses ng boss ko. Pinagalitan niya ako dahil sa mga costumer na hindi ko napansin habang nakatulala ako.

"Ilang araw ka nang tulala. Why don't you take the rest of the week off? Hindi na healthy 'yan," panenermon niya.

"Sorry, ma'am. Aayusin ko na lang po ang trabaho ko."

"I insist, Celeste. Sa Lunes ka na lang ulit pumasok."

Nahihiyang umalis ako sa botique. Hindi pa man ako nakalalayo, narinig ko ang pag-busina ng isang pamilyar na sasakyan. I looked to my side and saw Konrad and his big bike.

"Maaga ka yatang uuwi ngayon? Coffee?"

I just sighed. Hindi na ako tumanggi pa. Inalalayan niya ako sa pagsakay.

"Saan tayo?" he asked while giving me his helmet.

"Ikaw na ang bahala, Rad. I don't really care."

Sinuot niya ang helmet sa akin at mabilis na pinatakbo ang sasakyan niya. Hindi ko namalayang sa bahay niya pala ang punta namin. Napagtanto ko na lang nang bumaba na siya.

"Akala ko ba magkakape tayo?" inis na tanong ko.

"Oo nga, ipagtitimpla kita ng kape. Ayaw mo ba?"

"May magagawa pa ba ako?"

He grinned. "You can go home. Malayo nga lang ang lalakarin mo papuntang sakayan. On the other hand, I can take you home later if you agree to have coffee."

"Fine!"

"You don't have to be so bitchy about it. Ikaw naman ang nagsabing kahit saan tayo."

"And you're taking advantage of my statement, Rad. That's not nice."

"Masisisi mo ba ako? This might be the only chance I could get."

"Fine! Tara na sa loob!"

He was chuckling as we entered his house.

"Dito ka lang, ipagtitimpla kita ng kape," utos niya.

Umupo ako sa sala niya at naghintay. I looked around and admired his place. Malinis, minimalistic, kabaligtaran ni Tan. Puno kasi ng art materials ang sariling space ni Tan sa apartment namin. Rad's place feels like breathing fresh air.

"Ito na," I heard him say. "Namantsahan pa ang damit ko."

I looked away when he took his shirt off in front of me. Tumikhim ako para makaramdam naman ang walang hiya.

"Why are you looking away?" he asked in a playful tone.

"Alangan namang titigan ko 'yang abs mo?"

"You liked them before."

"Rad!"

Tumatawa siyang pumasok sa kuwarto niya. "I was just kidding."

Paglabas niya, nakasuot siya ng sando. He sat beside me as he took a sip of his coffee.

"So, how's the single life treating you, so far?" he initiated.

"I honestly don't know how to answer that. I miss your brother."

"Mahal mo?"

Tumango ako. "Sobra."

"Pero nagawa mong iwan dahil baog?"

It took me a few minutes to reply. "That wasn't the reason. I dreamed of being a mother, but before that, I dreamed of being Celeste Vasiliev. It's just that. . . you reminded me of my mistake. Hindi ko kayang itago kay Tan kaya ko siya iniwan."

"My point still stands. If you love Nathan, why did you leave him? If he loves you, I'm sure he will forgive you. Baka naman kasi wala kang tiwala sa pagmamahalan ninyo?"

"Rad, ano ba talaga ang purpose mo? Do you really want me to tell your brother that we fucked?"

He shrugged. "I mean, you said it yourself. You dreamed of being a Vasiliev. Hindi ba puwedeng ako na lang?"

"I don't want to cheat again."

Tumawa siya. "Cheat? Again? C'mon, Celeste, hindi ka pa girlfriend ni Nathan noong may nangyari sa atin. Break na rin naman kayo, 'di ba?"

"Rad-"

"Just this once, Celeste. Give me a chance. Puwede nating itago kay Nathan, if that makes you feel better."

Lumapit siya sa akin para halikan ako. Without having seconds thoughts, I gave myself to him.