Wherever You Go

Chapter 16

"Breathe Abla, breathe" Ece whispers kneeling in front of her, as if to check on Ozuger who is sleeping soundly in his basinet. Hazan was trying to do just that, given that her chest feels like it was about to explode. Thousand thoughts run in her mind at the same time, threatening to short circuit her brain. That was why he didn't encourage her to accompany him to the airport and so much for not answering any calls and his declaration that only she knows where he was in Turkey.

He had been planning on travelling with Farah all along. Betrayal, jealousy and grief all threaten to spill over at once. This is her fault of course. After rejecting her efforts to be close to him several times, it is true that Yagiz had come to her finally. But it must have been mainly due to the guilty feelings invoked in him by her mother; god knows she is good at that. It was she who basically railroaded him into marrying her and shamelessly attached herself to his life. He is not responsible to tell her anything. He must have planned this all along and she just barged in and made a fool of herself. 

To give him credit he did not make her believe any different, did not make any declarations and even tried his best to warn her. Yagiz being Yagiz has stayed a gentleman to the end. He was not harsh with her, gave her no assurances and has tolerated her nonsense expecting her to understand things herself. However, reasoning does not lessen the searing pain and shame that is burning her heart. She gets up from the chair not sure that she can maintain her composure anymore. Ece puts a hand on her arm.

"Abla" she whispers hesitantly.

"Please Ece, not now. We will talk later ok?" she whispers back and runs to the room to burn in her private hell.

Yagiz stares at the midnight California sky, or rather the early morning sky, given that it is almost 1 am, holding on to the liquor glass like it is his dear life. He cannot sleep in Turkish time and he cannot sleep in US time. As cheesy as it sounds the tense night at the apartment was the most amount of sleep he has got since his life turned upside down almost 2 weeks ago. 

His life was not going good. True, he got back to office immediately and it was like he never left. He had worked everyday with the team even when he was in Turkey, but being in the office physically was an extremely pleasant experience. Unlike his so called siblings he had always enjoyed working. The rush of adrenaline when working on a project, the exhilaration and the elated feeling in achieving success never got old for him. 

But beyond that he felt each day passing is pushing him deeper into a black hole. When he came home the pain that engulfed him was crippling. Some days he just raged about how everyone has deceived him, for years. He has lived with a name that does not belong to him, with people that he was not even related to. How could they let him live in such a lie? They do not deserve his forgiveness or his time of the day. He feels that his decision to cut them out totally is justified. 

But then he thinks of how he has allowed the biggest traitor among all of them into his life again, even if he didn't have much of a choice about it. Yagiz has no doubt that if he didn't visit her at her father's grave Hazan would have come after him. He was the only one who recognized her determination and drive for what it is. 

Other days he was just sad to think back about all the memories. The beautiful ones where the siblings had a happy childhood and the love and trust between their parents. The not so beautiful ones, where many things that didn't make sense before are now making perfect sense now. Why his mother was a little distant from him when he was small, even though when he grew up he became her closest confidant. Why his father was always driving him for perfection, whilst he let the other three siblings just do whatever they wanted. Why he was always expected to clear their messes but he could never make a mistake. How Hazan has chosen to betray him when he has chosen her above all.

It always came back to Hazan darn it! It always came back to her because that hurt the most. If she was with him, he would not have minded these very much. If she was true to him, he would not have been so lost. If only she did not keep it, if only she kept it but Sinan did not know it too, various scenarios ran through his mind. All these torment was made worse by the fact that he missed her really badly. 

He didn't know whether it was unhealthy or just plain crazy to keep missing the person that you almost hate, but it was as if his anger and his love for her are occupying two compartments of his mind and the pressure was unbearable. Despite not calling her and passing his number to her through his lawyers he was hoping against hope that she will call him. However she has not and it is driving him nuts. 

The rational Yagiz in him understands that she is probably too afraid to call him since he did not even send his number to her himself. But the unreasonable and angry Yagiz comes up with all sorts of scenarios which only goes to hurt him further. He takes a long drag of alcohol to the system. And on top of all that the picture he got from Farah a while ago has made him extremely agitated and upset. He does not know who took such a picture and waited almost a week to leak it to a gossip site. He doesn't care of course, he did not even read the story. But he could not help thinking what Hazan is thinking right now.