Wherever You Go

Chapter 38

Everything was going south, Yagiz thinks, as he switches the lights of the apartment. He doesn't remember how it was before Hazan's arrival. All he thinks now is how barren and empty the apartment looks without her in it. He loves this apartment and he has fallen in love with it so much when he first rented it. So much that he bought it the first instance it became available and he made it a point to remodel his apartment in Turkey to resemble this one. But now Yagiz is not so sure. He only feels secure here. There seems no joy or warmth. As everything else in his life, Hazan seemed to have invaded that too.

She was silent. There hasn't been a single word from her since that disastrous day near her house. Yagiz had flown back in a daze. Not exactly sure how to proceed or what to do with his life. He was useless for several days afterwards, drinking and hiding in his room. As bad as he wanted to, he did not try to contact Hazan. She had clearly asked him to not to and he respected that. 

He started to visit office, finally fed up of being cooped up in the house and drowning in work. He spoke to Gokhan and asked about issues in Turkey. He felt bad about running back to US right after the funeral. But Gokhan was fine. They had time to adjust to this loss. The company was slowly rising its head again, thanks to Gokhan's dedication. They were doing construction exclusively and building up a steady clientele. Sinan was still the lose screw. He was apparently going around partying and basically doing nothing. Yagiz felt sad for him but was glad that Gokhan has done the prudent thing and closed all doors to him financially. 

Yagiz walked to the liquor cabinet and poured a double shot. He had managed to cut back on his binge drinking. But after the day he has had, he really needed this. He had met Farah today . He is the one who contacted her and asked to meet. She wanted to come home, but he met her outside. After meeting her and getting her to confess how very vindictive and manipulative she had been towards Hazan, Yagiz was not sure that she will be ever welcome here anymore. He felt rotten about dragging her to this mess. But her tears did not move him at all. He had asked for her help. Like he had helped her countless times. He did not ask her to be the monster she had been. If she had feelings for him, torturing Hazan was not the answer. Farah of all people should have known this since she was the only one except Ece and his mother's grave that he had spoken about his feelings for Hazan.

He felt mad, he felt bad. Hazan had gone through a lot of distress because of him. Her mother and Sinan had tortured her with his secret. Farah had ridiculed her and deceived her every chance she got. And what did he do? He closed her off too. Yagiz could feel his eyes filling with tears. 

She was wrong to withhold such critical information from him and it wound him deeply. The hurt was as deep as his love for her apparently. Because he could not leave her and he apparently could not live with her either. Yagiz now understood that he had been trying to have his cake and to eat it too. He couldn't live without Hazan. But he could not do justice to their union too. He could not blame Hazan. She was a woman of her word. She said to give her 6 months and that time frame has elapsed. Maybe it is time to let her go. This is not a life for her to live. He is used to his life being lonely and dark. But hers was not. 

Yagiz drifted to their favourite spot near the sweeping windows and downed the shot in one large gulp. His phone vibrated and the name on screen almost made the drink come back up.

" Hazan" he said, over the hammering of his heart, which he was sure Hazan would be able to hear. He tried moderating his breathing to fight the light headedness. There was so much of static silence on the other side that for a moment Yagiz thought she had dialed him by mistake. Several beats went by until he heard her teeny voice over the phone.

"Yagiz" It was all she said. Somehow several chapters being said in between those two words by them.

" Hope everything is ok" Yagiz finally said, when the silence was making him insane, his phone burning his ears.

" Yes ok Yagiz. You are fine?" Hazan says, voice stronger and huskier than earlier.

" You have to start at Unita tomorrow right?"

" Yes Yagiz. I landed about an hour back" Hazan says and Yagiz almost drops the glass. She is in USA? And she is travelling from the airport, Yagiz finally notices the subtle background noises. Muted vehicular sounds and wind whooshing past, as in highways.

"Oh I could have picked you up" He says, trying to swallow the lump that has risen in his throat. What is she going to do?

" Are you at home Yagiz?" Hazan inquires politely, in her tightly controlled voice.

" Yes I am at home Hazan" Yagiz says and wait for her to say whatever the words that will decide his fate.

" I need to collect some of my stuff. I will be staying with a collogue for few days" She says and his heart shatters into a million pieces. Hazan does not have friends here. By collogue she must mean Sabrina, a fellow model who appears in the catalogue. They were close and she had a place in the city. Does she want him to go out? Is that what she is indirectly telling him? Well she can be the coward. He needs to see her, after all this time. 

Yagiz was sitting on the same spot, his glass on the floor when Hazan unlocked the door and walked in. There were huge circles under her eyes and she had noticeably lost weight. Her blue jeans and maroon sweater was hanging off a bit from her frame. But she still looked heartbreakingly beautiful and Yagiz felt he could not breathe.