Wherever You Go

Chapter 39

They silently stared at each other, each dying inside a little. Hazan tried not to stare, but this was hardly the man she left couple of months back. Not even the stressed out man she saw at the funeral. He seemed to have lost a lot of weight; a bulk of it seemed to be from his face. His face almost looked haggard. His favorite black sweats hanged low on his hips and the black t shirt which was once snug was loose on his chest. 

His eyes were burning like blue-green fires that scorched her to the core of her soul. He looked miserable and nothing like the proud and haughty Yagiz that everyone looked up to. She had well and truly destroyed him. Hazan burned to run to his arms, but she couldn't afford to keep doing this mistake forever. Until his life virtually run to the ground. Hazan's eyes took the empty glass on the floor and the empty dinning table and spotlessly clean kitchen. It didn't look like he had done any cooking for a while and it was evident that he hadn't eaten properly for months. Hazan cursed herself.

"Y..Yagiz.. I will not bother you. I will quickly pack few things and go. " Hazan finally stammered, when the silence and tension within the walls of the apartment was threatening to suffocate both of them. Yagiz seemed to raise himself from the tensed up state he was in, lightly shrugging his shoulders.

"Ok Hazan. If that is what you want. You already know that you are welcome to stay" Yagiz says, his eyes focusing on somewhere above her head. 

 She cannot deduce the tone of his voice. It is flat, as if he didn't care anymore. As if he has accepted everything. Of course he had, Hazan thought fuming as she harshly dragged random cloths off its hangers with furious force. When he has Farah with waiting arms, this is just a temporary devastation for him. 

She was angry and frustrated and she was not packing with any sense. At this rate she will end up having to wear only blouses in the foreseeable future. After all that they went through together and all that passed between them, Hazan cannot believe that he is just going to let her go like this, she thinks with her women's irrational mind.

 It is true that she has asked him not to contact her or bother her. It was also true that she said that this is not working out and she needs time to decide their future. But she didn't expect him to give up so fast. It was all too easy for him, wasn't it? Did she give up when he was trying to flee to US? She dropped everything to try to make amends to him which failed spectacularly. "Time to erase your guilty thoughts Hazan. See how easy it was for him" She thought as she struggled to close the zipper of the suitcase. She fiercely promised herself to stop being a fool in front of him while she dragged the darned thing to the living room. 

Yagiz was unmoved in their favorite spot near the couch, staring into the vista beneath. He turned when she came out and briefly glanced at her medium size suitcase.

" How are you going? Did you order a cab?" Yagiz asked, in the same lifeless voice.

" Yes" Hazan says tersely though she has not done such a thing. She didn't even remember about transport since her insides are on total fire. She digs through her purse and find the key of the apartment with trembling fingers. When she came here Hazan had no intention of handing over her keys, given the fact that she was leaving most of her stuff here. 

Also she felt that giving the keys back will be the final nail in the coffin of their marriage and she was not really emotionally ready for that. But the way things looked , it didn't look like she had a lot of choice. She didn't want to walk in when he was cozying upto Farah. The thought enraged her so much that she almost stumbled in her hurry to get to the door. She slammed the house keys on the vanity near the door.

"I have kept the keys Yagiz. I will see you then" She said, trying to keep thousand pieces of her heart from scattering all over the place. She did not hear a reply. Maybe that is for the best. What is the use of empty words when he had all but made up his mind to let her go so easily? The red haze and the curtain of tears blurred her vision so much that she had to fumble with the door handle before it swung open. She was half out of the door when she felt a warm, no, a feverish burning hand cover her hand on the door handle.

"Hazan.." Yagiz's voice was low and tortured in her ear as she turned back in surprise. The moment she turned, she collided with his chest, her face inches from the base of his neck. Hazan didn't see his face when he grabbed her hand firmly and yanked her inside, kicking the door shut in one swift motion. She was too surprised to look up at his face when he gripped her forearms and pushed her against the wall of the apartment. She only saw that his eyes were wet when he lowered his head and covered her lips with his. 

The kiss was unlike any kiss he had given her. It carried desperation and was bordering on aggressive, something Yagiz hardly was with her. After her initial surprise, Hazan felt months of frustration erupting inside her. She wound her arms around his body and kissed him back with equal ferocity. She could vaguely hear his breath hitching as he wound his hand on her hair, which was as long as before she cut it, holding her face firmly in place. Tears were streaming down their faces, mingling as much their lips did.

" You are going to kill me" Yagiz says when they finally break apart, gasping for breath. Hazan could feel her lips swelling and her heart absolutely hammering inside her chest. Yagiz eyes were spewing absolute fire, desire, love and anger mixed together, but Hazan somehow holds on to his gaze, not caring anymore if he sees basically the same emotions reflected in her eyes.

"You have already killed me" she says and Yagiz swallows hard, pulling her into his embrace again.

His kisses this time are less angry but deeper. As if he wants to weld their bodies into one. Hazan is totally transported to world of desire where the heartbreak she experienced is fading away with each hungry kiss he is giving her. 

She has waited for this love for far too long. His strong arms to wind around her tight, his long fingers to run through her hair, tugging on it, causing a delicious pain and his lips kissing, caressing and devouring her. She puts all her neglected love and pent up frustration into returning his kisses, astounding herself at the fiery passion she is feeling. 

It seems to drive Yagiz over the edge as he lets go of her lips and move on to her neck and lower, leaving a trail of fire behind wherever his lips touched. His hand firmly slides inside her t shirt to softly caress her smooth back, leaving no doubt about his intentions.  "I can't let you go baby.." Yagiz whispers against her neck and Hazan shivers and holds his face in her hands. Then don't let me go.." she says and covers his lips with hers.