One more day

chapter 28

Julias POV

My mind was racing, and my heart pounding even faster. What the fuck was happening? How did he find out? Yes, i'll admit i've been slacking off in the way I cover my tracks recently but no one's noticed before so I figured no one else would. Like ever. Which is why i'm standing, frozen in shock, in the middle of my bedroom.
"There's this thing you know, it's called sitting. It's very comfortable you should try it sometime." Nick jokes, and I muster the best laugh I could but it was more like a sarcastic chuckle. Was I having a nightmare right now? Someone better pinch me, because it sure feels like it. I need to think of a story, and fast.
"Julia." Nick said hesitantly. "I don't want to force you to talk about anything, but i'm really worried." He continued. I scrunched my eyes up at that and sighed. This is why I don't want anyone knowing. They don't get it, no one could ever understand this if they didn't have it themselves. Growing up I used to hear stories about how people starved themselves and I could never figure out why anyone would ever willingly do that, how they could give up food. If only little 8 year old me could see where I was now, she'd be so dissapointed. That's another reason I don't want anyone to know, they'll be dissapointed and worried. But at this point i'm conflicted. I'm in the middle of an intersection and I don't know which road i'm supposed to take. I know I can't keep doing this. I'm exhausted, getting out of bed every morning is a struggle enough as it is but with the running and the talking and the walking and school; I can't even stay awake in school and when i do every word I hear just flies in one ear and straight out of the other. I'm so sick of all that, but I don't want to stop loosing weight. Is it really worth throwing my entire life away for it though? There are ways out of it, I could reverse diet, that way I wouldn't gain weight but i'd be eating better. No what am I saying, why would I want to eat anymore than I have to? I just dropped to the floor crying, I hate all the thinking I wish my brain would just shut off. It's like there's two versions of me fighting for control and it scares me.
"It's ok Jules." Nick was beside me holding me whilst I sobbed.
"I don't eat." I whispered through my hyperventilating. "I mean I do, we have to eat to survive, but I don't eat enough." I continued. I didn't even want to look up at his face, scared of the reaction i'd see looking back at me. There it was. I finally admitted it.
"Why don't you take some deep breaths and calm down a bit yeah?" He offered. "I'll get you a glass of water and then you can explain it some more, ok?" He said and I just nodded. Maybe I just need to get this off my chest, maybe it'll help me think. He walked out of the room, glancing back when he reached the door then continued walking. I tried to collect myself once he was gone, tapping my fingers on my thigh in a rythym. It tends to help me calm down, maybe it's the fact that i'm putting my attention on something else. I opened my eyes to find Nick leaning on the door way, watching me intently. He held the glass of water out to me wordlessly and i took it, taking a sip. I felt it trickle down through my body. There's something so satisfying about drinking water on an empty stomach. I relished in the feeling of it.
"I don't want to pressure you to talk about it if you're not ready." He states, and I realised something. What was he going to do? What if he tells someone?
"You can't tell anyone." I said sternly in a panick. "If we're going to talk about this you have to promise you won't tell anyone." I continued. He pulled his lips into a thin line.
"Jules please don't put me in that position. You need help, I just want what's best for you." He stated with a sad look on his face.
"Please Nick it'll only make it worse." I rushed out. And it was true, forced recovery isn't recovery, it just makes you want to not eat all the more. "I can get better on my own." I stated. "I can. I will." I pause. "Just give me a day." I propose. "Just one more day, okay? Then i'll start getting better, I promise. Just don't tell anyone." He gives me a look that says he doesn't like it.
"One more day. Then that's it, ok?" He holds out his hand for me to shake and I do. He pulled me into a hug after that, and man did he hug me like both our lives depended on it. I think he pitied me. I'm not sure whether I should pity myself too. There isn't really anything wrong with me, i'm just on a diet, i'm simply watching what I eat. I don't need help. No but I need to change. I can do this. I can do it all on my own, because at the end of the day i'm the only one that can help. We sat back down on my bed and started another movie, isn't wasn't anything interesting, but I wasn't really paying much attention to it. I know he wants me to talk about it, but he doesn't want to push me. I appreciate that he respects my limits. I had the entire day to continue my diet, no boundaries, before I need to implement some. How would I even do it? Should I start with one meal or just go small bits for every meal? I don't know how to do this or where to start, but I'm gonna have to learn. I hesitate, thinking maybe I should ask Nick for his opinion on the matter, but not sure if it's a good idea.
"Spit it out." He says suddenly. "I can see the way you're hesitating, just say it."
"I don't know where to start." I said. "I don't know whether to go about as in the meals as a whole or just little bits of food every now and then." He studies me for a while, trying to figure out what to say.
"Small things throughout the day." he says certain. I appreciate his help in all this, it's nice to have someone who can help and support me.
I start formulating a plan in my head, I'll ever so slowly start increasing my calories, that way I won't gain weight, and I'll throw in low-calorie foods throughout the day like fruit. I actually really like fruit. I should have one piece of apple for every time of the day I'm supposed to eat. No that's unrealistic. I need to do more research on low-calorie foods, I refuse to go back to the fat girl I was. The only thing I'm worried about is that once I start eating I won't be able to stop. That's the cycle, you restrict too much so then when you start eating, you binge because you've been so heavily restricting, and then you feel so shit so you restrict yourself even more the next day. That's why I'm so scared to eat, I know what it's gonna lead to. I just hope with Nick now in the picture, that'll be someone to hold me accountable. I know I would never binge in front of him so as long as he comes over as frequently as he has been then I'll be alright. I can worry about all this when Nick leaves. Right now I shouldn't be worrying about this. We resumed watching the Fresh Prince of Bel Air, and by that I mean he watched it and I just fell into a deep sleep.

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i want to apologise for how long it has taken for me to get this chapter out. for a little context the past couple months has been hectic, i went through a break up, dropped out of school and started a course, got a new job, got into a new relationship, started going gym, did a lot of self care and worked on my mental health, essentially just so much stuff that the time i had leftover to write was very little. i want to say a huge thank you to all of you who have been so patient with me throughout all this and continue to support me and my writing. i truly love and appreciate every single one of you. i hope you have all been looking after yourselves and i hope you enjoy this new chapter :)

- J <3