It All Started With a Diary

rain

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"Loving you never was an option. It was a necessity." — Truth Devour

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Chapter 95
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I waved goodbye to my friends, stepping into the hall then finally out of the building. Kade was already waiting, a cigarette in one hand and propped against the building. Even though I had his car, I didn't drive it.

As usual, he put the cigarette out, then fell into step right beside me. Neither of us said a word, but just as it had been lately, it felt strange rather than comforting.

A month had passed since I yelled those words to him. I could see they affected him, but nonetheless, he never wavered in his effort. Each day, I continued to find different gifts and apologies at my door. And, every single time, I felt the guilt gnaw at my consciousness. Especially today.

Today was his brother's death date. Even though we weren't together, I was still linked to him. I didn't even think he knew that I remembered, but I did.

I could feel his grief in every step he took. I snuck a glance at him, but his eyes remained along the pavement as we walked.

The muscle in his jaw ticked, mouth down-set in a frown. My heart weighed so heavily with emotion, I had to stop. He mimicked my action a moment later, as if he'd been in a trance.

The hard line his mouth was set in broke. "Is something wrong?" he asked, examining me over. "Are you okay?"

I shook my head, my fingers tightening around the straps of my bag. My lips parted, but nothing came out other than a sigh. I didn't know what to say, what to do without complications. Nonetheless, his pain left an impression along my own.

Finally, I edged past the uncertainty, meeting his eyes. The dark spots under them let me know that he hadn't gotten much sleep the last couple of nights.

"I'm sorry," I said softly. "About Kacen. I hope you know that I'm here to talk if you..." I trailed off, entirely unsure if I were overstepping the boundaries. "I'm here to talk if you need it, don't forget that."

Kade nodded in return, his adam's apple bobbing under the pressure. He moved his strangled gaze forward. He said nothing else as we continued to walk.

By the time we made it back, my mind was a mess. Usually, he led me into my apartment then went to his own. Now, he was entirely knocked off course, and it pained me to see it.

I stared at his back as he turned to his door. I forced my feet to remain still, the urge following right along with him. It would only take a couple of steps, but that could possibly lead to something that neither of us were allowed to have right now.

With a sigh, I shut my door behind me, pressing my forehead against the cool wood. With a grimace, I confronted some of the conflict.

I didn't even know what to say to him, but I could figure it out. I just wanted to be there. I wanted to go after him, to hold him, and hear the thoughts that he only trusted me with. But, what would that make us? I didn't want to confuse him even more than I had my own self. Inside, it would feel as if we were together, but we weren't. And, we wouldn't be.

I didn't feel right leaving him alone, either. That was the confusing part. His caresses, warm words soft touches, and reassurance flooded me without hesitation. I knew I wanted to return that same care, and acknowledgment. He had no one here, and despite that being his own decision, it didn't change the facts. I knew that he didn't trust anyone else like he did me, either. He didn't deserve to drown in his emotions, not today of all days.