Reactive Envy

Chapter Twenty Seven: The confession....

Sitting back at the kitchen table across from each other as if nothing happened, Harry and Louis both fidget nervously, knowing sex shouldn't have happened before the truth. They aren't exactly conventional anyway so the order of business shouldn't matter.

Harry takes a sip of his coffee before glancing up at Louis. Clearing his throat, Harry starts.

"I'm sorry. This is going to be a long confessional, but I need you to know how sorry I am. I'm sorry for everything, Louis. You didn't deserve me creeping on you in the hospital. You didn't deserve the hatred I had towards your boyfriend. You didn't deserve to have to help me recover. You didn't deserve the office incident. You didn't deserve the way I treated you yesterday. You didn't deserve to be handcuffed to a chair without your consent."

Hanging his head shamefully, he misses the look of utter confusion on Louis' face. All he feels in his heart are waves of shame and guilt. He doesn't deserve this man to give him the time to talk. He should have run the very first day. He needs to be honest about his feelings and let Louis shut him down, and then he can wallow in his guilt and self-hatred. This is going to be harder than he thought.

"Louis, I need to be honest with you. From the first day, I saw you, I wanted what Ashton had. I wanted the love, the happiness, the chance to know you. I had this feeling inside that I couldn't understand. I still have the same feeling every time I see Ashton's face. I have no idea what it is but I feel so unexplainably angry, I get a twisting in my stomach. I'm sorry, this isn't important to the story."

"Harry, would you like to know what that feeling is?"

"You wouldn't know Louis. It's not something I've felt before, so how would you know what it is when you aren't me?"

He knows that he sounds like a child. Still, there is no way Louis understands.

"When watching Ashton and me, did you feel angry about the situation or towards Ashton?"

Harry didn't even need to think.

"Ashton. All my feelings were always towards Ashton."

Louis frowns, "You have feelings for Ashton?"

Chocking on the sip of coffee he was trying to have.

Harry screeches, "No fucken way. I meant negative feelings, Jesus."

Nodding Louis moves on.

"Thank god for that. Okay, did you ever resent him for being near me?"

"All the time. I felt inadequate compared to him, so I resented him for having everything. A good job, a loving boyfriend, good looks, and a funny and charming personality. He is everything I only wish I could be, Louis."

Smiling, Louis asks, "Were you ever insecure or scared that you wouldn't see me again because of Ashton?"

Louis is beautiful. Staring deep into Harry's eyes as he asks big brain questions.

"H!" Oops, lost inside Louis' eyes again.

"Sorry, yes. I feel insecure most of the time, not just because of Ashton, but as I explained, he had everything I could only dream of."

"Harry, darling. The thoughts and feelings you are experiencing happen to be a severe condition. It's called jealousy."

Louis is giggling like a maniac by the time he finishes his sentence, but Harry obviously missed the joke. This isn't funny.

"Fuck off, Louis. Jealous? Yeah, right."

Harry gets up, walking away from Louis. He wants to tell him the truth, but he can't sit through this bullshit.

"Harry, I know you don't like the truth, but you've been wrong. We need to communicate better if this is going to work."

That stops Harry in his tracks. Turning around and looking Louis dead in the eye, he whispers, "Make this work?"

Louis smiles at him nodding his head.

"I would like nothing more than that, Harry. You are it for me. Ruined me for any other man."

Stalking over to Louis and pulling him up into his body, Harry growls,

"There is no other man ever again. You are mine!"

There is that beautiful giggle he loves so much.

"Not jealous, eh, H?"

Kissing the top of Louis' head, Harry sighs, "Maybe a little."

Wondering what to say from here, Harry pulls back from Louis enough to grab his wrist and pull him towards the living room. Sitting in the corner of the L-shaped couch and pulling Louis into his lap.

Harry whispers, "Is this okay?" Louis murmurs back, "I don't mind."

Feeling the butterflies in his belly send tingles all around his body, he must confess.

"Louis, can I be honest?" Louis shifts slightly, leaning further into Harry.

"Sure, H., that's what this talk is for, right?"

Smiling to himself about how comfortable this situation is, Harry thinks about how pretty Louis is, how perfectly he fits in Harry's lap. He ponders how simple it would be to have this all the time if he could be brave enough to tell him he loves him. Louis starts choking above him. Harry snaps his head towards Louis to see his eyes teary and his face beet red.

"Baby, what happened? Are you okay?"

Louis stands up and sits slightly away from Harry while trying to catch his breath. Harry stands cautiously, walking into the kitchen to get Louis a glass of water. Filling it up, he thinks back over what he might have said, but Harry only asked to be honest. He hadn't popped a boner. Nothing had happened. As he turns back around, he sees Louis watching him, now calmed down from his coughing fit. He's still teary-eyed, but there is a look of fondness on his face.

"You love me."

It wasn't a question but a statement, and what the fuck?! How does he know that?

"You happened to say I'm pretty, I'm fit, and how you love me out loud without realising it again."

Harry gulps down the water meant for Louis, he can feel his hands shaking and his palms sweating.

"Um." Louis' face falls. Oh shit. He can feel the hurt radiating off Louis.

"Did you not mean it?" He sounds so small and defeated. One word may have just ruined everything.

"Louis, I love you more than all the stars on the clearest night. Nothing, and no one will ever understand how much I love you. You, Louis Tomlinson, are the love of my life."

Harry had unconsciously moved towards Louis' trembling frame during his speech. Louis all but flies into his embrace.

"I love you, Harry. It's been you all along, even with all your reactive envy."