I wake up with Tionne sitting and staring at me with tears falling from her eyes
Me- Oh sweetie, what's the matter, why are you crying (sitting up quickly)
Tionne-(Looks down at her hand and then back up at me) I'm that person your missing ain't I Za(tears still falling)
When she said that, it set me back a bit because how did she even figure that out being mentally 7 right now
Me- What makes you say that sweetie
Tionne- Because the ring on your hand matches mines(holds up her left hand)
Shit! How did she figure this out, now what am I supposed to say
Where is Ro when I need her
Ok Za just tell her in the best way you can
Me-(Grabs her hand)Ok sweetie so I'm gonna try and explain this to you the best way I can, but I don't want to scare you and freak you out but I need you to really listen to me ok
Tionne-Ok(wiping her eyes dry)
Me- Ok remember when you asked me why you don't look like other 7 year Olds and I said it's because you are developing early
Tionne- Yes and you said it's also because I was special
Me- Right, in which you are special, but the truth is your not exactly 7, your actually 18 like me and that's why you don't look 7
Tionne-(Confused) I don't understand Za
Me- Uhmm ok, You know how small you were at your Powerpuff birthday, but your not that size anymore, Your more bigger now, and when we went to the restaurant it wasn't your birthday
Tionne- So your saying I'm a grown up
Me- Yes sweetie your a grown up
Tionne-So then what happened to me Za (sad face) and that means you lied to me and I am a freak
Me-(Grabs and hugs her)No sweetie your not a freak, I promise, your beautiful ok
Tionne-(Pulls out of the hug and looks at me)You really think I'm beautiful Za
Me-(Smiles and caress her face) Yes sweetie, your really beautiful
Now what happened is your brain put your mind back to being 7 because it couldn't handle the trauma of all the nightmares of what happened to you by your dad that you kept having
Tionne- Oh, so I'm not sick, but my brain is
Me- Yes and that is why I take you to go see the therapist so they can help your brain get better
So do you understand now
Tionne- Uhmm I think so
But did we get married before my brain turned me 7 again
Me- Yes we did my sweet, which is why we have the same ring
Tionne-(Tears up) I'm so sorry Zaza
Me- Oh baby no,don't cry(wipes her eyes) and you have nothing to be sorry for, you didn't do anything wrong
Tionne- Yeah, but I made sad and I made you cry
Me- Oh sweetie come here(pulls her into a tight hug) It's ok, it's not your fault, and I'm fine ok, and crying actually helps,but you know what
Tionne-(Still hugging me) What
Me-(Pulls out of the hug and looks her in her eyes)I'm not sad anymore and I don't want you to be sad anymore either ok(caress her cheek)
Tionne-(Smiles) Ok, but uhm Za
Me- Yes Sweetie
Tionne- When will I get better so you won't miss me anymore
Me- Well sweetie that's all up to your progress and God, but I do pray it's soon
Tionne- Uhmm Za can we go to my house
Me- Sure we can, but why do you want to go
Tionne- Because I want my favorite teddy
Me- Favorite teddy, that's so adorable, ok, let's go
So we left going to Tionne's house in our pj's
Once inside we went upstairs to her room in which she walks straight into her closet and grabbed a medium size blue teddy bear which I immediately recognized because it was the teddy bear I gave her when I visited her in the hospital after the day I found her in the school bathroom barely breathing and throwing up blood from all the pills she swallowed because she tried to commit suicide that day
She then walks up to me and hands the teddy bear to me
Me-(Smiles) Oh is this for me(takes the teddy bear)it's a really cute teddy, what's his name
Tionne-(Smiles)Yes he's for you and his name is Oilli
Me- Aw sweetie(hugs her)thank you and Oilli is such a cute name for such a cute teddy
Tionne-(Still hugging me)Your welcome my Zaza and now you won't have to be sad anymore because Oilli will make you feel better like he does me after daddy hurts me
Me- Well then he will make both of us feel better when we get sad,
You can share him with me ok
Tionne-Ok, but Za there's one more thing
She then grabs Oilli and turns him around and unzipped the little backpack that's attached to him and pulls out a beautiful gold necklace with my initials on it which made my eyes tear up
Tionne-(Looks up at me)I may not remember much right now but I do remember you visiting me when I was sick ,I seen you in a dream and my mom told me that it wasn't a dream and that it was a memory that has come back to me and that's why I needed to come get Oilli because I put this in here for you when I got out and I meant to give it to you and say thank you, but not just for that time, but all the times that I know soon I will remember once I'm better but for now thank you(hands me the necklace)
Me-(Tears falling)Oh Tionne this is beautiful(taking the necklace and hugs her)thank you sweetie and I'm always gonna be here for you,forever and always and the next time you see your mom in your dreams tell her I said thank you because she's a true Angel
Tionne-Ok I will, I love you Zarriah
Me- And I love you Tionne
We stood hugging for a good 15 minutes as tears fell from my eyes because I can't believe she actually had a small glimpse back into reality with the help of her mom
I can only pray her mom is the answer to my prayers and will be able to help Tionne to slowly return back to herself
Me-(Pulls out the hug wiping my eyes) Well sweetie are you ready to go
Tionne- Yes but first(grabs me and kisses me)
Me-(Shocked and pulls away fast)
Uhmm Tionne what are you doing
Tionne- Kissing you, I'm sorry but I can't help it Za, something is telling me to kiss you because I feel down deep inside how much I love you and you told me I'm not exactly 7 just in my brain and so what am I supposed to do with my feelings because I'm so confused
Me- I know and I understand everything your saying and trust and know I deeply love you too but right now we cannot be kissing or anything of the sort until your back mentally stable and can understand and comprehend back in an adult mind, do you understand sweetie
Tionne- Fine, I won't kiss you again (runs out of the room)
Me-(Fuck!) Tionne come back sweetie (goes after her)please come back
I then made my way downstairs to see the door wide open and her running down the street
Me-(Yells)Tionne!(Runs after her)
Tionne come here, where are you going (catches up to her and pulls her to fall back on me on the ground and holds her tight in my arms)
Tionne-(Crying hard)No Za let me go
Me- No, What are you trying to do
Tionne-(Trying to fight to get out my grip)Running away,now let me go Za (crying harder)
Me- No Tionne, why are you to run away(still holding her tight)
Tionne- Because I don't know what's going on with me, and I'm confused and scared ,and mommy is not here anymore, daddy hurts me, he killed my brother and my mother, and we have matching rings but I can't kiss you because something is wrong with my brain even though I'm grown but not mentally,
I don't understand none of this Za, now please let me go(tries to break free)
Me- No Tionne, I need you to calm down ok sweetie please
I know all of this is painful and confusing but I promise I'm going to help you through this ok, so please calm down for me please sweetie
Tionne-(Still crying)But Za why me, what did I do wrong, why is this happening to me
Me- Oh sweetie I'm so sorry, and I'm not sure but just know I got you ok(kisses her head)I'm forever gonna have you no matter what,I'm never going leave you ok,now please come and let's get up so I can get you back home to rest ok
Tionne-(Still crying)Ok
So I was able to let her go and got up and then helped her up and walked back to Tionne's house in which I went in to grab Oilli and the necklace then locked the house back up and then helped Tionne into the car and then and then I got in and drove us back home
Tionne cried the entire way back home and all I could do was hold her hand
Once home I found a note on the door that said my parents were now going out of town for a wedding of a friend which I was relieved because I didn't want me or Tionne to be hit with tons of questions and so we got inside and I took her straight upstairs and put her in the bed and laid in bed with her and just held her while she cried on my chest realizing that this is how it started with Tionne having a full mental break down
It really was like dejavu all over again because we was laying in that position for 4 hours straight
It was now 2pm and she finally drifted off to sleep from crying, and so I slowly moved her over so I could get a towel for her face in which as soon as I tried getting up she woke up and held on to me tight
Tionne- No Za, please don't leave me please
Me-(Kisses her forehead)Sweetie I'm not leaving, I'm just going to get a hot towel so I can clean your face ok,
I'm coming right back I promise
Tionne-(Hugs me tighter)No, please stay with me
Me- Ok sweetie I'm staying(pulling her back onto my chest)What's the matter sweetie, did you have another nightmare
Tionne- No, I just felt you moving me and got scared, I don't want you to leave me
Me-(Kisses her forehead)Oh babygirl,
I will never leave you, there's nothing that could ever make me leave you
So you don't have to be scared ok, your safe and your with me, ok sweetie
Tionne-(Sighs) Ok
Me- Ok, now can I go in there(points at the bathroom)and get a hot towel for your face because it's really puffy from you crying
Tionne-(Moves off my chest) Yes
Me- Ok sweetie(kisses her forehead again)
I then go to the bathroom and get a towel and run it under the hot water and took it and cleaned her face and then wet it again in hot water and placed it over her face
I did that for an hour until the puffiness went away in her face
After I got done I went and laid back down next to her and wrapped her in my arms
Me- So how does your face feels now (kisses her nose)
Tionne-(Giggles)That tickles, but I like it, can you.....
She then stopped mid-sentence and just stared at me
Me-(Confused)What's wrong sweetie
Tionne- You kissed my nose to wake me up that morning
Me- Yes I kiss your nose to wake you up a lot of mornings, so what morning are you talking about
Tionne- Graduation(looks at her right hand)I had stitches in this hand from a fight, and wasn't able to use it, and I think you helped me with everything that day didn't you
Me- Yes I did
Tionne- Zaza(takes a deep breath)Am I a bad person
Me- No sweetie, why ate you asking that
Tionne-(Looks down) I don't know
I just want to get better so I can remember more and not be so sad (tears up)
Me- Oh sweetie (wraps my arms around her tighter) I know and you will I promise, everything is going to be ok, don't be sad(kisses her forehead)
Tionne- Za
Me- Yes
Tionne- When I get better will I be able to kiss you
Me- Yes you will
Tionne-(Smiles) Well until then can I kiss your nose
Me- Sure sweetie
She then kisses my nose and smiles at me
Tionne- I really love you Za
Me- I really love you too Tionne
Tionne- Can I go back to sleep for a little bit
Me- Of course you can babygirl
Tionne- Will you stay with me
Me- Yes my sweet I will stay with you ok, now go to sleep
Tionne- Ok
She snuggles up to me laying on my chest and slowly falls asleep
I'm guessing I was a bit tired to because off to sleep I went to
I was woken up by my phone ringing,
I reached for it carefully so I wouldn't wake Tionne up, and answered it once I got it
Me- Hello
Ro- Hey Boo
Me- Hey love bug how are you, how is it going at Ruben's parents
Ro- Oh Za they are amazing
We are having a blast and little man is getting even more spoiled(laughs a bit) Me- Oh boo I'm so happy to hear ya'll are having so much fun
I miss you guys
Ro- Aw boo we miss you too, but we will be back next week, but enough about me, how are you and Tionne
Me-(Looks down at Tionne still sleep on my chest) We are doing good,
She kinda had a freak out moment earlier but we are doing better now and Ro guess what
Ro- What boo
Me- She remembered somethings and I was able to explain more to her about what's going on and she understands everything
Ro- Oh wow, so she had a mini breakthrough, that is so awesome Za
Me- Yes I know, it's really giving me more hope now that she will make it out of this
Ro- Yes she will because she's a fighter
Me- Yes she is(kisses her forehead)
Ro- Well boo, I'm going to let you go
I just wanted to call and check in with you and see how ya'll are doing
But I love you and will see you when we get back ok
Me- Ok boo, I love you too, and kiss everybody for me
Ro- I will, bye boo
Me- Bye(hangs up phone)
When I hung up the phone Tionne woke up
Me- Well hello sleeping beauty, how are you feeling
Tionne-(Smiles) Happy
Me- Good, so it's still daylight outside, would you like to go somewhere
Tionne- Yes, but where
Me- Anywhere you want
Tionne- Uhmm(then she smiles big) how about Dreamland
Me-(Smiles) That's a perfect place to go
Tionne- Yes because I took you there and gave you this(points to my finger and the engagement ring)
Me- Oh my goodness, how did you know that
Tionne- My mom visits me a lot in my dreams and tells me about things, and shows me things that I have done before my brain got sick
Me-(A bit shocked) Wow really, how often have you seen your mom
Tionne- Every night or anytime I sleep
Me- Wow, ok, so what else has she told you or shown you
Tionne- I think we get married, but it's other people there that's getting married to at the sametime as us
Me- Yes sweetie that's Ro and Ruben, we had a double wedding with them
Tionne-(Smiles) I like them, I'm glad we shared that day with them
Me- Me too, but are you ready to get dressed and go
Tionne- Yes please
Me- Ok let's get ready
So we got up freshened up and got dressed and left
Once we got to Dreamland Tionne could not hold in her excitement
Me-(Looking over at Tionne and smiles) Looks like someone's very excited
Tionne- Yes I am(unbuckling her seat belt and getting out the car)Come on Zaza
Me-(Unbuckling my seat belt and getting out the car)Ok, I'm coming
It was a happy but weird feeling for me because just like that day she purposed we sat at the same exact table the same exact way
The waiter that served us that day is serving us now and again we didn't even look at the menu, they just brought out food and dessert
Tionne-(Looks at me)Hey Za, are you ok
Me-(Looks at her)Yes sweetie I'm ok (smiles)
Tionne- Are you sure, because you look kinda sad
Me- Oh no, I'm not sad, just remembering the last time we were here is all
Tionne-Oh you mean when I gave you that(points at the engagement ring again)
Me-(Looks down at my hand and back at her) Yes, it was a very beautiful and special day
Ro gave birth and then you asked me to marry you right in this restaurant, at this same table(gets a little emotional)
I will forever cherish that day
Tionne- Za please don't cry, I'm sorry (reaches to wipe my eyes) I don't mean to keep making you sad
Me- I'm not sad sweetie, just having a happy memory is all, so no need to be sorry ok,I'm fine
Tionne-(Sighs)Ok
Me- No, now don't you get upset on me, we are ok, now show me that beautiful smile I love to see
Tionne-(Smiles big) Ok
Me- That's it, your so beautiful my sweet (caress the side of her face)
Tionne-(Blushes)Thank you, and your beautiful too(kisses my hand)
Me- Aw, aren't you a sweetheart, but let's eat so we can go ride some rides ok
Tionne- Ok
So we ate all the delicious food and dessert and headed to the theme park that was connected to the restaurant
We played games first giving our food a chance to digest good, but we didn't make it to the rides because between me and Tionne we had so much stuff we won from the games we could barely hold on to it, and so we decided to leave and head home with my car stuffed with all our prizes
Once home we had to make 4 trips each just to get everything out of the car and upstairs and put away somewhere which mainly was the closest
Once done we changed into some pajamas and put on a movie and cuddled while watching the movie
Tionne-Za(looks up at me because she's laying on my chest)
Me- Yes sweetie(looks down at her)
Tionne-Today was fun, and thank you because even though my brain is sick you still made sure I had a good time
Me-(Hugs her and kisses her forehead) Always my love, and I had fun too, your still my favorite person to hangout with
Tionne-(Smiles big) and your mines, and Za I promise I'm going to work really hard to get better for you and myself because just like you miss me, I miss you (grabs my hand and kisses it)
And something is telling me we are deeply connected and that it's nowhere else I rather be then to be right here with you
Me-(Gets teary-eyed)And you will get better, and I'm going to be right here with you every step of the way and we are deeply connected and that something that's telling you, that is your heart,everything your feeling and remembering is coming from your heart, and it's most definitely nowhere else I rather be then to be with you forever and always
Tionne-(Turns completely on her side to face me) I know you said I'm not mature right now to understand anything physical between us, and I may not be, but Za please can I just kiss you
Me- Tionne(sighs)sweetie we talked about this earlier remember
Now I'm very happy your starting to make progress and remember things, but your still mentally 7, and it would be uncomfortable and wrong of me to allow you to kiss me in that way
So I'm sorry, but no boo,
Tionne-(Gets a bit upset))But Za, you said I'm actually 18 like you, and we are married like Ro and Ruben, mom and dad, and that we are deeply connected (starts to cry)Do you just not love me anymore Za because my brain is sick
Me-(Pulls her into a tight hug) No sweetie, of course I love you,
It's just I care about getting you fully better before we can do grown up things ok
Tionne- But it's not fair Za, my feelings aren't going away, and it hurts because I want to share them with you but can't
Me- Trust me sweetie I completely understand how your feeling,
But for now we have to put them aside to get you back better again ok
Tionne-Yeah ok(upset, and moves to her side of the bed)I'm going to bed goodnight(turns her back towards me)
Me- Ok sweetie goodnight(fights back tears)
I really hate this shit, her getting upset with me, me having to control myself when she gets all sweet, and when she's asking to kiss me, but I know I can't give in because I don't want to jeopardize her progress in anyway, what am I going to do, I need Ro
I waited about 10 minutes to make sure Tionne was really asleep in which she actually was
I then got up and walked to her side of the bed and pulled the covers up more on her and then kissed her cheek
Me- I do love you baby, more then you will ever know
I then walked back to my side grabbed my phone and headed downstairs to call Ro
Me-(Calls Ro) Ringing
Ro- Hello
Me- Hey boo
Ro- Hey love, what's up
Me- Ro I need you(starts crying)
Ro- Ok boo, hold on, let me go outside (walks outside)Ok love what's wrong
Me- Tionne and I have been doing good so far, but then she gets to where she wants to kiss me, and when I say no, she really gets mad at me, like earlier, remember I told you she kinda had a freak out moment on me
Ro- Yes I do, so what happened
Me- Well she asked if we could go to her house to get her favorite teddy and so I said sure,and so we went to go get it and once she got it out of the closet she handed it to me and said it was mines now so I wouldn't be sad anymore and it was a very sweet and emotional moment in which she wanted to kiss me and I told her no,and then she took off running down the street and I had to go chase after her and then just now she asked and I said no she completely moved to her side of the bed turning her back towards me, and went to sleep
Ro I don't know what to do here because she is making progress in which she even remembered that we are married, and had a double wedding with you and Ruben
And she even picked the same restaurant to go eat at today where she purposed to me
Ro- Wow boo, that's a lot ,but hey it's all going to be ok
Remember how my mom stayed mad at me and my brother until she got better
Tionne will be Ok,
Just continue to give her the love and support she needs ok, and you stop being so hard on yourself, because you are doing a wonderful job ok
This is something new for the both of you, now if you need me to come back now I can, and you know I will
Me- No boo I want you and Ruben to enjoy yourself considering ya'll didn't get much of a honeymoon
So no stay, I just needed to talk but I'm ok now, so thank you
Ro- Are you sure Za, and none of us had a real honeymoon
Me- Your right about that, but yes boo I'm sure, I love you and thanks for the talk
Ro- of course boo,and I love you too
Me- Ok, goodnight
Ro- Goodnight
We hung up, and I just sat downstairs for a minute just to think because Ro is right
When her mom was sick it was hell on Ro and her brother, but with the help of my mom, my dad and me, we were able to get her better,and I am doing a good job considering this is new territory for me because it's my wife, and it's in my home, but I know I have to take a breath and stay focused because I can do this
I then went went back upstairs to me and Tionne's room,and when I got to the door I could hear Tionne talking to her Mom in her sleep
Tionne-Mommy why did you leave me,
I need you,my heart hurts without you (crying)I know mommy, but daddy will hurt me more now that your gone
I don't want him to hurt me anymore
Yes I want to stay with Zarriah
Yes I do love her but I make her sad because my brain is sick
But how will you help me if your not here
I'm so scared mommy
Ok mommy, I love you too(crying a little) bye mommy
I waited a little before going in until I heard her softly call my name
Tionne- Za(sits up looking around for Za)
Me-(Walks in the room)Hey sweetie I'm right here(climbs next to her in the bed and hugs her)are you ok, did you have a bad dream
Tionne-(Cries)my mommy says she can't come see me anymore
Me- Oh sweetie(hugs her tighter)did she say why
Tionne-(Nods head yes) it's so I can get better
Me- Oh my sweet, I'm so sorry
Tionne-She said that she's going to take away all the bad things that made my brain sick so they won't make me sick ever again, and not to be afraid anymore because daddy is gone away for good and can't hurt me anymore, and that it was good for me to stay here with you because you love me and will protect me
Me- I absolutely do love you and will protect you with everything in me
Tionne- And I absolutely love you, and will protect you with everything in me
Me- And I know you do, and I know you will,
So are you still mad at me
Tionne-(Sad face)I'm sorry Za for getting mad at you,but no I'm not mad anymore, do you forgive me
Me- Of course I do beautiful
Tionne-(Smiles big) Ok,
But Za there's one more thing my mom said
Me- And what's that boo
She then gets up and walks to the dresser and opens the top drawer and pulls out a notepad and then turns back to me and brings me the notepad
Tionne- Read this
Me-Ok(takes the notepad from her)
As I begin to read I begin to get emotional because it was her wedding vowels
Me-(Tears falling) Oh Tionne these are your wedding vowels to me
Tionne- I know, mommy told me to give them to you so you can have something to give you strength to keep fighting for us while my brain gets better
Me-(Pulls her into a hug and kisses her all over her face)thank you my love, thank you, this means so much to me and I am going to fight to get you better I love you so so much
Tionne-(Now crying)I love you too, forever and always my Zaza
Me- Forever and always my baby
We sat and hugged and cried for a long minute, and it felt really good to release some of those emotions we both had been holding
Once calmed down we both washed our faces and then we both prayed and then we got back in bed and cuddled with her laying on my chest as I kissed her forehead and off to sleep we went
