murky waters | carl grimes¹

33. conversations

"so damn selfish"

Talia was asleep on the couch as everyone fumbled around with different cushions and blankets as they got ready for bed. Everyone took turns showering in the different bathrooms the two houses had. Despite being given two houses, Rick decided we would all sleep together in one house tonight. 

I didn't forget my promise to Ron. I was going to go see him. I just had to wait until Carl was finished telling me about what happened the night that Aaron and Eric saved me from the walkers. 

"Daryl went out looking for you the first night, he didn't return until late the next day. We didn't want to go far, just in case you made your way back. Carol and I took turns watching after Talia for you, she wasn't handling your disappearance well. No one did, we thought you died, Len," Carl ran his fingers across my knuckles, "then the storm hit and we were sure you... When Aaron showed up he told us they had you which didn't help his case much. Dad and Daryl were convinced they took you in order to trick us into coming here. It worked but I couldn't believe it. Not until I saw you for myself," Carl spoke barely above a whisper as he recalled the events. 

"Then when we got here and you weren't waiting at the gates for us. I thought maybe they killed you. That this was going to end up in a war," he interlocked our fingers, "but then that kid-" 

"Sam." 

"Yeah, Sam said you were off canoodling with his brother," Carl let out a small laugh, "I had a bit more faith that you were okay." 

"Yeah, Sam is an interesting kid," I laughed softly, I looked up to see Carl grinning at me. 

"He said you were sharing a room with him too," Carl suppressed a laugh, "said something about liking you more than... Enid?" 

I shook my head and looked away from Carl. Sam was too observant for his own good. "Oh how sweet of him," I gave another small laugh. 

Now that I had Carl back, I didn't want to lose him. Whatever small feelings I had for Ron were going to have to disappear. I wasn't going to let my relationship with Carl suffer because someone was nice to me. 

"Then I thought, maybe I should be worried, I mean.. What are you wearing?" Carl said looking down at my outfit. I was still wearing Ron's clothing, I hadn't noticed. Everything was just too much today and I didn't think about changing. 

I looked away from him, my eyes landed on the pill bottle Jessie brought over whenever she cut Rick's hair. She had told Rick all about my time here, how I became friends with her boys and how she saw so much potential in me. She told Rick that if we needed anything that her door was always opened. 

When Rick told me she stopped by it broke my heart. My mind was set to believe that they would never make it to Alexandria, that all my responsibility would stay away with them. It was selfish and dumb but apart of me wanted to stay how I was when I was with Jessie. I knew Sam and Ron had pictured me moving in with them, being their live in friend. I even pictured myself staying there, allowing them to become my family. 

How selfish was I... I was willing to leave Talia out there because I knew she would be safe as long as she stayed with the group. I wouldn't have to play parent anymore. It was stupid of me to ever imagine such a thing. 

"You don't need to be worried," I finally spoke, I looked back to Carl, "you've got me," I smiled and leaned in, I pressed a soft kiss to his lips. I cared so much about Carl. He was my person and I almost threw that away. I wouldn't lose him. 

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"Where are you going?" Michonne rested her hand on the door to block my path. She looked like a mother who was scolding her child for attempting to sneak out.