Psychokinesis (Dazai x Reader)

SIDE STORY: GROCERY

-A trip to the market with Dazai and Chuuya-

Chuuya: I really don't get why we had to include this bonehead with us.

Dazai: hah? You're the thirdwheel here, idiot. I'm her boyfriend.

"guys, we're here to run errands not fight. Just get along for now, okay?"

Chuuya: Tch. That's an impossible task for Dazai.

Dazai: You're the one starting it, dimwit.

"Ugh"

..

Dazai: 50% off on bandages? Score.

Chuuya: See? Bringing him was a mistake, he'll buy useless stu- Ooh, new hat designs.

Dazai: Pff, what are you, a child? That hat looks like it's been dragged in glitter and dumped in pink buttons or whatever.

Chuuya: Look who's talking, Mr. Wrap myself in bandages every single day for no reason at all.

"Guys, we're getting no work done"

Dazai: Sorry, Y/N. It's just hard to work when Chuuya's breathing the same air as me.

Chuuya: Wow, I hope you choke on it and die.

Dazai: You can't die from inhaling too much air, idiot.

Chuuya: Oh yeah, wanna bet on that?

"are you seriously suggesting that whoever dies first wins?"

Dazai: Well, Chuuya is a fool so it's no surprise that he would even suggest something like that, haha.

Chuuya: Who you callin' a fool, you literally hit every milk box in that aisle.

Dazai: Oh, that? I meant to do it. I guess I was just bored.

"You knock down dairy products when you're bored?"

Dazai: I'm trying to indirectly tell Chuuya to buy the whole aisle so he'd grow.

Chuuya: Hah?! You don't even know since you're a buffoon but I drank milk ever since I was a kid.

Dazai: Well it doesn't show.

"Oh my gosh, do ya'll eventually tire yourselves out? Just reschedule this petty squabble for another time. The cart literally contains ten packs of bandages and a girly hat"

Dazai: haha, Y/N called your hat girly.

Chuuya: At least I don't spend half of my salary on bandages I don't even have real use for.

"I gotta say, that's a solid rebuttal"

Dazai: Tch, let's just get this over with so I stop seeing Chuuya's face.

Chuuya: Yes, I hate stepping on the ground this jerk walked on.

...

"Omg, look at this twin shirts. Wouldn't it look cute if both of you wore this?"

Dazai: Y/N, I love you. But I literally would rather die instead of doing that.

Chuuya: That's so extreme! But yeah, I'd rather eat my own hats than to wear matching shirts with this bastard.

"Oh wow, it's that bad? Then I guess I can ask Atsushi and Akutagawa to wear this since they're always together"

Dazai: That's 'cus they hate each other's guts as well, Y/N.

Chuuya: I bet if Akutagawa had to do something like that, he would stab himself with rashomon.

Dazai: Yeah, and Atsushi would hang himself using the method I taught him to relax the neck and the head.

"It's crazy that you would commit mass murder but not wear matching shirts that also comes with a onesie"

...

"Okay, that's everything. No more additional alright?"

Dazai and Chuuya: Yes ma'am.

Cashier: That'll be $400.

"$400? How'd that even happen?"

Cashier: Well, the wine costs half of the total and there's thirty books on how to take care of dogs.

"Seriously?"

Chuuya: What, I really want to adopt one..

Dazai: What an idiot.

"Your wine costs $200! You are in no position to call anyone an idiot"

Dazai: Oh, oops.