the gentle moon / george weasley

george's journal entry - august 1995

August 25, 1995

62 days.

It's been 62 days since August's attack. I still dream about it, the way the portal key cracked, and then Harry's cries. It's still hard to look at Jade, and not see her sobbing over August's body. Mum and dad made me see this doctor, after a few nightmares. When I told him I wrote in journals, he told me to log my day's post-attack. He says it'll help. I'm not sure it is.

I know she doesn't expect me to do this, but I feel obligated to be strong for her. But I am hurting, because she is not the same person she was before the task, before this trial. She's giving up, and I am scared.

The way she speaks sounds like it could be her last words. Like if she shouted them, she wouldn't be heard. I hear her though. She waits for Remus or Sirius to check her closet at night still and keeps an eye on open doors. She tries to hide it from Harry and her mum, but I think August is still afraid. Afraid Peter will come back. The trial helped for a bit, it kept her mind off the attack, but the trial is over now and we are getting closer to going back to school and she's terrified.

62 days and August is a different person. They let her in those meetings, but I don't think she wants to be in it, I honestly don't think Jade or Remus want her in it. And I know for a fact Sirius does not because he's had a lot to say about Dumbledore these days. I see it now, why August and Jade dislike the man. He is very selfish. Like, I know he helped with August's case, but where has he been since then? He doesn't speak to Harry and when he was in the house, August said he never really speaks during the meetings.

I am terrified that Dumbledore has this plan for August, but he's waiting for the perfect moment. That he only helped with her case to keep her at the school for something. Make her trust him more. And knowing August, she'll forgive him. 

He does not deserve her forgiveness, no one does.

I am worried about her, I'm worried that she's gonna leave. Leave me, even though she says she'll take me away with her. School starts in a week and I know she is dreading it. Dreading seeing everyone and having to be Head Girl. I think McGonagall knows she doesn't want the position, but I selfishly hope she gave it to her to give her a reason to go back.

I've been selfish recently. I feel like I'm ignoring the darker sides of August because I'm getting her lighter ones. I pretend nothings happened when she holds my hand and kisses me. August and Fred bicker more like they used to when we were younger, and for a second I believe nothing bad has happened, and we are back in year two. I want to be selfish because I can't keep seeing her face when I close my eyes. With her eyes closed, and the burns around her neck, lying under Harry. I want to close my eyes and see her smiling across from me.

Loving August hurts. But it's not her fault or mine. It's this bloody world we live in. She tells me I should be mad, and I am. But I'm scared if she saw how mad I was, she would be afraid of me. I am mad. I'm mad because I've had these plans. Plans for me and her. You know, when she found out that I knew about her, I was hoping that was the start of a new life for her. That she would see that the world isn't always out to get her and that there are people who genuinely love her no matter what. But then everything that could go wrong, did. This world is so fucked up and it doesn't make sense. I don't understand why people are so afraid of her. I don't understand my mother.

I want there to be a day when August can look in the mirror and see what I see. Past the scars, and past that blank stare that she's been wearing recently, and see this amazing person staring back at her. She is so bloody intelligent, it's terrifying at times. It's like she has this photographic memory and I don't understand how she holds it all in that brain. She is so strong, and I mean physically. I saw her walking up the stairs once with like 10 books in her arms, and then like another 10 floating behind her. Her eyes sparkle when she's happy. She has a birthmark on the back of her neck. It's easier to see now that her hair is shorter. But it was always exciting to see when she moved her hair when I sat behind her in class. It looks like a flower. I think it was because of all the stress in the last few years, but she has a small patch of white hair on her left eyebrow now. She loves socks, like the ones with funny prints on them. She sometimes matches them for whatever class we had an exam in that day. She takes my breath away every time she walks into a room.

She is the most caring person I have ever met. Especially with Harry and Neville. And even though she and Ron fight all the time, I caught her once taking care of him in the common room. It was when he was a second year, and he was worried about Hermione. He had decided to sleep in the common room the entire week after her attack. I think he was waiting for her to come back from the hospital wing. But August made sure he had a blanket over him if he fell asleep waiting. I think that's why he always takes my blanket when August would fall asleep in the common room. She thought it was me always doing it, but before I could ever tell her it was Ron, he told me not to tell her. He never wanted her to know it was him.

I wish she could see it. See how people take care of her. That she isn't this burden she thinks she is.

No matter how much it hurts to love her, I don't think I could stop. I would rather live a life of excruciating pain, than not love her. And I'll keep loving her because I know it's painful to love me too. I see it in her eyes when she touches me. She's afraid she's going to hurt me, she's afraid I'll leave her. She loves me so much.

I know there will be a day when I tell her I love her and she doesn't second guess herself. I have work to do, but I will remind her until my last breath that I love her.

It's been 62 days since August's attack. 62 days since the day I realized how much I actually love her. How terrifying life would be if she wasn't in it...

It has been 2183 days, 1 hour, 11 minutes, and 11 seconds since-

"George, have you seen my jumper?" August called from her bedroom. George was sitting on the top step writing in his journal.

"Back of the bathroom door." He called in.

-my life started because of her.

"I can't find it!" She called out.

"I'll come help!" He laughed, pushing himself off the floor.