You're The Straw To My Berry (Phan)

Part twenty-two

Dan P.O.V. 

"I said, get out!" I gave PJ another harsh push and I saw him in the corner of my eye search my face before getting up. I stayed in my rigid position not daring to look anywhere apart from the point on the floor that I had assigned my gaze on. 

I heard the door squeak open then slam and I relaxed when I was the only one left. I hurt Phil. I hurt PJ. And by hurting PJ, I hurt Chris. I just had to hope no one else would get involved, I seemed to hurt everyone around me. 

If I became lonely, I deserved it. At least if I became lonely, I wouldn't hurt anyone anymore. 

I was so confused it made my head hurt. Before I was certain I didn't have feelings for PJ, but now I wasn't so sure. I still loved the feel of his lips on mine and I didn't want to push him away, but even if I did have feelings for him, my love for Phil was stronger and nothing or no one would ever change that. 

And yet, I found myself comparing them again. When I realised what I doing I screamed in frustration and broke down in tears, this time just letting them fall. I wanted to leave everything behind and start afresh, but that was cowardly and that would probably just hurt them even more. 

I found comfort in the wall I leaned against and I found myself thinking about Chris. There were qualities that wall and Chris shared, such as no matter how many people leaned on them, they would keep standing and wouldn't crumble. I wasn't sure how Chris did it. I knew he had had to take care of PJ a few times even when he had problems of his own, but he loved PJ to death and wouldn't ever let him down if he needed him. I knew Chris had feelings for PJ, you would have to be stupid to miss it. 

I got up and wandered into Phil's room and opened the wardrobe, taking out one of his big comfy hoodies and put it on and retreated back to my spot on the floor. I put the hood up and snuggled into it, inhaling his scent. 

PJ P.O.V.

It had started raining when I started walking home but I didn't even notice until I realised my clothes were sticking to me. I replayed the visit to Dan's in my head, trying to make sense of it all. I came to the conclusion he was torn and confused, he wasn't sure who he loved more - me or Phil. Although judging by his actions and words, it was Phil. Not that it made me want to give up. 

I let myself in the apartment where Chris was sitting on the sofa. He looked so... fragile. I knew I would have to take on the caring role today, so I didn't want him to worry and put on a smile when he looked at me. 

"Where have you been?" He asked me. 

"Just out," I walked past him and into my bedroom, sitting on my bed and peeled off my jeans and jumper, changing into baggy sweats and a shirt. I went back to the kitchen Chris followed me in, making me feel awkward. 

"Peej." 

"Yeah?" 

"Look at me," I did as I was asked and looked at my best friend, my vision blurred. From what I could make out, he had opened his arms and I accepted the invitation, desperate to be in his clutches. Desperate to be loved. 

I cursed him internally for knowing me so well as I started crying the moment his arms secured me into place. He didn't say anything and just held me, which was something I loved about Chris. When he knew I was horribly upset he wouldn't always try and force it out of me and just gave me the attention I needed. 

"Why can't he love me Chris? Why can't anyone love me? What makes me so repulsive?" I felt him tense then he hugged me tighter. 

"You're not repulsive! He's just not right for you! Don't you ever say that again, you'll find someone better, I promise."