You're The Straw To My Berry (Phan)

Part forty-three

Dan P.O.V.

I don't love you anymore.

I don't love you anymore.

I don't love you anymore.

I don't love you anymore.

I don't love you anymore.

The words ran around nosily my head and no matter how much I tried I couldn't stop it. I kept walking with no intention of getting anywhere specific, but I knew I couldn't keep still despite how worn out I was.

I don't love you anymore.

I don't love you anymore.

I don't love you anymore.

The scene replayed in my head and I saw the look on PJ's face when he said the words I didn't ever want to hear.

I love Chris.

Chris loves me.

Phil loves you.

You love Phil.

Phil.

How could I completely break someone so innocent who never said a bad word against anybody?

I deserved everything I got.

I saw my reflection in shop window and I stopped and stared it for a minute, seeing all my flaws. I wasn't sure what people's impressions of me were they saw me, but I could point out was someone that constantly messed things up and made other people's lives a nightmare.

Who am I?

I thought I found myself when I was in San Francisco but I didn't recognise myself. Something was missing, something that made up half of Dan Howell was missing and I had to find it, but not now, I looked a state and my body was screaming with exhaustion.

I sat down on the next bench I could see, my thoughts cloudy as I watched life pass me.

I don't love you anymore.

And with that sharp thought I just broke down, hiding my face in my hands. Rejection I thought I'd never have to face pulled and twisted at my heart, leaving me with pain in my chest that I knew couldn't be fixed with Phil's paracetamol.

But I deserve it.

I deserve it all.

I gain control of myself after a while and look up at the sky to see the afternoon was beginning to leave, signalling the ending of another day. I knew I would have to stay the night somewhere, not wanting to risk going back home.

I took my phone out my pocket, internally thanking the little battery I had left and scrolled through my contacts, eventually clicking on someone who I knew I could trust. I chewed on my lip while I waited for him to pick up, my gaze staring blankly in front.

"Hello?"

"Alex," I croaked.

"You alright mate?"

"I know this is a lot to ask at last minute, but can I stay the night at yours?"

"Of course you can! You're welcome anytime!" That's what I loved about Alex, he was always so friendly to everyone and you could totally rely on him. "Is everything okay?" He asked, his tone turning into a serious one.

I felt a lump in my throat and took a deep breath before answering.

"I'll explain when I get there..."

"Alright, see you in a bit!"

"Yeah, thanks, bye," I hung up and got a sense of my surroundings before making my way over. Luckily it wasn't too far and in no time I was knocking on his door, hoping that I didn't look too bad.

"Hey Dan! Oh no, what's wrong?" The little control I had over myself left me when Alex pulled me into a hug and I sobbed into his shirt.

"I've ruined everything," I moaned after a few moments.

"Look, come in, sit down, I'll put the kettle on and you can tell me what happened. Tea?" I nodded and did he said, feeling comfortable in his cosy flat he shared with Charlie. Alex reappeared with two mugs and I gratefully drunk some of the hot liquid and he sat down next to me but angled himself so he was facing me. "Okay, go."

I started my story with how I started Phil, then the first kiss with PJ and how guilty and confused I felt after. Then I told him about our second kiss and how much I liked it, then decided to stay with Phil and pushed PJ away. I told him about the argument with Phil then how I invited PJ over in his absence - his eyes widened when I said this - but then told him to leave me and Phil alone. Then skipped to the part where I kissed PJ again at Jack and Finn's party and that Phil saw and that all hell broke loose. Then I explained how I went to San Francisco for two weeks and only got back today and broke Phil's heart and then had my own broken by PJ.

"Oh Dan, what have you done?" Alex sighed when I had finished.

"I don't know, I don't know what to do," blinking back the tears that wanted to fall. "Actually... I'm really tired. I didn't sleep much on the plane, are you still okay with me sleeping here?"

"Yeah it's totally fine, but you'll have the sofa, is that okay?" I nodded, thankful that he was letting me stay at all after what I had done. "I'll get a few pillows and a blanket, do you want to borrow a shirt?"

"Please," Alex was a lot thinner than me but I had had to borrow his clothes before and even though they were a bit tight on me they fitted okay. He returned with the promised items and hugged me again.

"I'll be in my room if you need me, okay? We can talk again tomorrow, just try and not to worry, everything will be fine."

"Thanks Alex, I really mean it."

"I know you do, night Dan, and feel free to make yourself tea and food or whatever if you're hungry."

"I will, thanks," I changed into the plain shirt he had given me and slid off my jeans and got comfy on the sofa and threw the duvet over me and before I could have another thought about anything, unconscious gained possession of me.