You're The Straw To My Berry (Phan)

Part thirty-two

Dan P.O.V. 

"Please just go," panic rose in me at Phil's words.

"What? No, no, please Phil, please, don't do this to me..." He couldn't leave me. He couldn't. I needed him. I needed Phil. 

"What about what you did to me, Dan? Do you not think that's worse? I loved you, I really loved you and you cheated on me, did I not mean anything to you?" I love you. I love you so much. I wanted to tell him but the words got stuck in my throat because something was telling me that I would be lying to him and I didn't want to hurt him anymore than I already had. 

"That's not what I meant-" I started but Phil broke away from my grip and ran off, I was going to go after him but I was pulled back by Chris. 

"Leave him alone, you've done enough damage tonight. Just go back to PJ!" What he said hurt me but it was probably no where how Phil was feeling. I watched Chris sprint to catch up with Phil and resisted the urge to follow. He was probably right; Phil needed to be away from me for now.

I couldn't win. If I stayed with Phil, I hurt PJ. If I left Phil for PJ, I hurt Phil. If left Phil and stayed single, I hurt both of them.

I sat down and leaned against the nearest wall, feeling weak and unstable. I wasn't sober but the events that just happened allowed my mind to work. 

I couldn't think straight. I was so confused about who I had feelings for. This was PJ's fault. If he didn't kiss me at Alex's party, I could've stayed happy with Phil with no problems and still be completely oblivious to the feelings I had for PJ. 

What even were my feelings for PJ? Love? Just a minor crush? 

I didn't know. I couldn't answer myself and if I didn't know the answer then no one else did, but the only thing I did know was that I had to find it sooner or later. 

I hated myself. This wasn't all PJ's fault, this was mine too. If I hadn't kissed him back, if I just pushed him away, maybe he would've just left me alone instead of causing problems.

I hated PJ for messing up everything but I loved how I felt when I was around him. I loved how he still loved me even after hurting him. I loved that he loved me. I loved PJ. But did the love overpower the hate? 

Maybe it did. 

But then again, maybe it didn't. 

And what about Phil? I loved him. I needed him. He had become one of my necessities to function. Phil was one of the reasons I lived. 

I did love him, didn't I? 

Yes. 

Yes, I did. 

But I loved PJ too. 

"Dan?" Speak of the Devil and he shall appear. I didn't bother looking up at PJ as I heard him come sit down next to me. 

"What have we done Peej?" 

"I'm sorry," you should be. 

"We've hurt him Peej, we've really hurt him," he put his arm around my shoulders and even though I didn't deserve it, I needed comfort and put my head on his shoulder. "I can't believe I've done this to him again. I love him." 

"But you love me too." 

"Yes," The moment I said the word was the moment I regretted it. That was the first time I admitted to PJ that I loved him. 

"Come back to mine and sleep on it. You'll figure out what to do in the morning," I didn't argue, knowing that Phil and Chris would probably be at our place and I didn't know where I was going to stay for the night if I didn't take up on his offer. 

We walked the opposite direction to where Phil ran, and every step I took made the increased the distance and hurt me more. 

I missed being away from Phil. I missed the sound of his laughter. I missed his bony body and how he would hold me close to it. I missed his bright blue eyes that would stare adoringly back into mine. I missed his black flicky hair and messing it up for him deliberately. I missed Phil. 

And yet when PJ slipped his hand into mine, I didn't fight back and simply cherished the moment. 

* * *

"Come to bed Dan," I heard PJ say as I stood motionless in his kitchen, not quite sure what I was doing there. He took one of my hands again and pulled me to his bedroom that hadn't changed much from the last time I had been there. 

I climbed into PJ's bed after he signalled me to come in and he automatically put an arm across my stomach, snuggling into me. I felt his breath on my cheek and turned my head towards him. I used two fingers to tilt his head up and pressed our lips together. 

PJ didn't take any time to think about what we were doing and moved his lips in time with mine. My head was screaming at me, telling me stop but my heart told me that deep down, this was what I wanted. My head fought back, showing a mental image of Phil that caused me to push PJ away. 

What the hell am I doing? 

"I can't do this, I love Phil, PJ, I love Phil..." I got out of bed and almost ran to the door, pausing a moment to shove my feet back into the shoes I was wearing. 

"Dan! Don't go! I love you, please, don't go," PJ grabbed hold of my arm but I shook him off. 

"I'm sorry," I opened the door and got out of the block of apartments as fast as I could. It was pitch black and the time was nearing to 3am but I didn't care, I had to get to Phil. 

* * *

I let myself into the building and into the lift, tapping my foot impatiently until the ding told me we had reached our floor. 

I ran to the door and pushed it open, desperation adding to my force so it banged against the wall, making sure everyone knew of my arrival. Seconds later Chris was in front of me and looked at me with confusion and anger and I flinched back a bit. 

"What are you doing back here? Get out Dan, he doesn't need to see you, you've hurt him enough already." 

"This is my apartment too!" I tried to walk past him but he pushed me back. 

"No, not at the moment it isn't. Leave him be for tonight."  

"I have to see him Chris!" I shoved him, hard, into the wall the same time Phil appeared in the doorframe of his room. "Phil!" 

"Dan-" he croaked but I was forced into my own room by Chris. 

"Get what you need and go back. I can't stand the sight of you, not after tonight," but I didn't want to go back. I had caused so much pain to everyone that I knew I had to get out of here. 

I walked over to my wardrobe and threw as many clothes as I could into my biggest backpack and squeezed in a brush, iPod, my laptop and any chargers I needed. I hesitated before I opened my top desk drawer and got out my credit card that I only used for emergencies. 

This was an emergency, right? I was sure it was. 

I grabbed a few other smaller things and put them in my pockets and with one last look at my room and without any goodbyes, left the apartment. I took out my phone and dialled a number. 

"Hey, uh, hi, can I order a taxi please?" I asked when someone picked up. I gave them my address and where I was going and waited outside for it. 

The bright headlights of the taxi blinded me momentarily when it pulled up next to me, but ignored the pain and got into the backseat. 

"Where we going?" grumbled the taxi driver who I forgot was there. 

"Heathrow airport, please." 

A/N: I'm hoping this chapter seems little messy because I was trying to make it reflect Dan's thoughts which are currently all the over place, so if I succeeded in doing this, then I'm glad!