You're The Straw To My Berry (Phan)

Part thirty-one

Phil P.O.V.

"Phil? Phil!" I don't know who was trying to talk to me but I didn't care either. They sounded distant as I was glued to the scene in front of me and no matter how much it was killing me, I couldn't tear my eyes away. 

It felt like a lifetime until they broke the kiss. They smiled at each other, foreheads touching that only made the moment more intimate than a drunken mistake. Dan looked sideways and saw me. His face paled and he got up, stumbling as he did so and made his way towards me. 

I wanted to scream and shout at him and cry but I couldn't. I physically couldn't. I tried to move but my legs wouldn't respond and stayed stuck to the ground. I felt numb and isolated as every memory I had with Dan as a couple flashed through my mind. 

He doesn't love you. He never loved you. He lied. 

I felt Dan's weak clasp on my arm and I snapped out of my daze and shoved him off. 

"Stay away from me!" 

"Phil..." his voice cracked but I wasn't falling for his sad act, I was far too angry and hurt. I looked past Dan and my sight landed on PJ. I couldn't tell if he was sorry or not, guilt was written across his face but it was mixed with a look of satisfaction. "Phil, Phil please..." 

"No, Dan!" I left him behind, adrenaline shocking my veins as I pushed my way through people and out the door. I realised I was walking much faster than my usual pace when I heard running behind me but I ignored them, my head spinning. 

"Phil! Please listen to me! Hear me out!" A panting Dan stopped in front of me and grabbed my forearms tightly. 

"How could you?" I whispered.

"I'm sorry Phil, I didn't know what I was doing, I'm so sorry..." His tear-stained face kept hold of mine and he was looking at me almost pleadingly but the next words I spoke were not the ones he wanted to hear. 

"Please just go."

"What? No, no, please Phil, please, don't do this to me..." 

"What about what you did to me, Dan? Do you not think that's worse? I loved you, I really loved you and you cheated on me, did I not mean anything to you?" 

"That's not what I meant-" I didn't want to hear any more of his excuses and ripped my arms out of his grip and ran. I didn't want to be anywhere near him. I needed space. I needed time. I needed to think. 

 "Phil! Wait!" The voice I heard didn't belong to Dan but to Chris. I halted to a stop and he caught up with me.

Now that I was free to express my emotions and what Dan had done to me had finally sunk in, I began to feel. My heart ached in a way that could only be described as it breaking and being ripped apart. The contradicting emotions of upset and anger were at war, but I wasn't sure which one was stronger and ended up releasing them both through tears. 

Chris held me close to him as I cried for what felt like hours. 

"Why did he have to do it to me again Chris? Why am I not good enough for him?" I mumbled through sobs. "I'm so in love with him, I didn't know he could hurt me this much." 

"I wish I could give you answers, but I can't. I'm sorry Phil." 

"I just... I don't understand..." 

"I don't think anyone will. Come on, lets go home," I kept clinging onto Chris until I had inhaled and exhaled deeply enough times to give me some oxygen supply then released him. He steadied me on the way home by keeping a firm arm around me. 

My mind was a blur and I didn't even notice we were moving or had got there until Chris asked for the key. My hand shaking slightly, I retrieved it from the front pocket of my jeans and gave it Chris who knew full well I wouldn't be able to operate a key and lock in my state. 

Chris P.O.V. 

As soon as I opened the door, Phil was already ahead of me and went into his room, closing the door. I respected his privacy and took my travels to the sofa in the lounge, knowing he would want to be alone for a while. 

It felt unnaturally quiet and the room seemed too large. I had helped Phil and Dan through their arguments before, but this was much different. 

I wondered where Dan was. I wondered if he was with PJ.

PJ. The name of a man I both loved and hated. How could he do that to Phil? To Dan? To me? I had no idea what was going through his head right now, but I wished that I did. I put my face in my hands, the memory of PJ and Dan kissing replaying in my mind. It hurt me and made me feel sick, but I wasn't sure if the nausea was just from the heartbreak. 

* * *

Half an hour later, Phil came in the room and started yelling at me. I zoned out and switched off and just sat there and took it. Phil was just upset and showing it, and I wanted as little conflict as I could possibly have so I didn't say anything back. 

I was just being the good friend who could deal and cope with anything who supported anyone, but being the good friend also meant you were left out in the cold until you were needed. It's not like I didn't enjoy being needed, but now after so long it just felt tedious. It also meant that no one ever cared about your own feelings, so you would have to keep them to yourself. 

Phil suddenly slapped his hand over his mouth and I flinched at the change of motion. 

"I'm sorry Chris, I didn't mean to..." 

"It's okay, I know, I understand," Phil broke down in tears again and I opened my arms where immediately he positioned himself in them, his face in my chest. I myself was upset and felt the need to cry too, but Phil was more important and no one cared. Why did no one think about me too?