You're The Straw To My Berry (Phan)

Part twenty-six

PJ P.O.V. 

As I observed Chris one night, I could finally see that I was slowly destroying him. The Chris Kendall I had known and loved was long gone - all that was left was his body and a fake smile. 

I wanted him to go out and live his life, but he refused to leave my side. At the same time, I was glad he wouldn't listen to me because I needed his company. I couldn't have asked for anyone better to be looking after me, he could make me laugh and kept me together and left me alone when he knew I needed it. Sometimes we could simply be laying down on my bed not saying a word to each other but still be perfectly content with being together. 

Recently Chris had taken to holding my hand which was something I secretly enjoyed. I was shocked when he first made the contact, or when he tried to, but I loved it immediately. 

[FLASHBACK]

We were sitting on the sofa next to each other, Chris chuckling every now and then at what was on TV, but my mind was blank and I couldn't concentrate. 

I moved so my head was resting on his shoulder, my left hand playing with the hem of my shirt. 

"PJ, will you please just stop doing that?" Chris put his hand on top of mine where it stayed for a moment, then slowly his fingers slid in between my own. I laughed at the awkwardness of the situation and Chris pulled his hand away. 

"Look, if you're going to hold my hand, do it properly you muppet," I held out my hand and he hesitantly placed the palm of his hand against my own and interlocked our fingers together. I glanced up from our hands to Chris's face and a blush crept to his cheeks, making me smile. 

[END OF FLASHBACK] 

That was almost two months ago, now holding hands was just normal for us and neither of us thought anything of it.

I felt like a failure. I had ruined friendships, I was depressed and I broke my promise to Chris. I promised to fix him, but right now I was doing the complete opposite.

"Peej?" 

"Yeah?" Chris sat next to me, his face serious. I started to panic, was he going to say he was sick of me? Was he going to leave me on my own? 

"I'm really worried about you, I... I think you need help." 

"Help?" I repeated, not sure what he meant. 

"Professional help, from a doctor. I don't know how to make you better PJ, I'm doing my best but it's not working. You're sad all the time, it can't just be from Dan, it has to be something else," I knew what he was getting on about, he was saying I was depressed.

"I don't need help," I knew I didn't. Once I got over Dan I was certain things would be okay again. 

"You do, you need counselling or anti-depressants or something PJ, you can't carry on like this." 

"Why not? There's nothing wrong with me, I'll be fine."

"Have you seen yourself recently? You're not PJ, you're just... you. I miss you, I need you back," his voice broke and I could see that he was trying to hide the tears. I sighed, trying to keep calm. 

"I'm fine." 

"Peej, please... Look, I've booked a doctors appointment for you tomorrow. I'm going with you to make sure you get there and that's final. You deserve to be happy, I can't stand to see you like this anymore, it hurts me." 

"Why? Why would I ever deserve to be happy? What I've done to Dan and Phil is wrong and it's my fault I'm like this. Why are you still here? I'm dragging you down Chris, I can see it. You don't make videos anymore, you don't go out, you're not happy. You try to be, and if I didn't know you well enough then I would be fooled, but you're my best friend, I know you're not okay. Get out, make something of your life. Leave me behind, I'll catch up with you when I'm ready. But I just can't do it, not now." 

"Exactly - I'm your best friend, I can't just leave you!" 

"Live your life without me Chris!" 

"I can't, not without you." 

"Why?" 

"I'm in love with you, PJ. That's why I'm still here, anyone else would get sick of the sight of you but I don't think I could ever get enough time with you." 

"You... you love me?" Chris looked away but my gaze was fixed on him, trying to process every word he said. He sighed after a few moments and looked back at me. 

"PJ are you really that blind? Yes, I love you. I love your eyes and how bright they are when you're happy. Every time we touch I get electric shocks and your laugh is my favourite thing to hear, even more so if you're laughing at me. I notice all the little things you do and I know all your favourite films. I could listen to your stories forever and not get bored. I love falling asleep with you in my arms and waking up with you next to me. You make me feel safe and secure, but most of all, you make me happy. I'm in love with you PJ Liguori, even if you can't stand the sight of yourself."