You're The Straw To My Berry (Phan)

Part twenty-five

Chris P.O.V. 

Two months later. 

I often wondered what PJ thought about. I wondered if he thought about Dan as much I thought about him. I wondered if he was in love with Dan as much as I was in love with him. 

At the same time, I knew it was silly to wonder. I knew he loved Dan, maybe even more than he realised. I hated what it was doing to him, and that made me hate Dan. I hated that Dan had the power to make PJ extraordinarily happy, but all he did was break him down instead and leave me to pick up the pieces. 

I knew it wasn't really all his fault, after all, you can't help who you fall in love with, but I was getting tired of seeing PJ cry for hours. He never really did tell me what happened when he came home so upset the other month, but I could only guess and assume I was right when I said only one name which made him only cry harder. 

It was just awkward between me, PJ, Phil and Dan now. Our friendship all felt like such a mess and I wasn't sure if it could ever be fixed. I was still on okay terms with Phil, but it wasn't the same. It felt like he was the only one who was mildly happy with the whole situation. He had Dan who he loved and PJ kept away from their relationship. 

I was curious as to what Dan thought of it all. I wondered if he loved the attention and drama, or if it was the complete opposite. But I didn't dwell on it much, knowing I would never know what went on in his mind. 

Did anyone ever think about what I was feeling? Did they even see me as important? I didn't remember the last time someone asked how I was. A lot of the time I just felt like I was always lurking in the shadows, the one that no one cared about. I think I was playing that role again, but this time I was more significant. This time it felt like if I wasn't there, PJ would completely fall apart. He was barely alive as it was. He was only existing, breathing and eating but not really doing anything else. 

I thought that maybe after a while he would start to get over Dan, but it only seemed to be the opposite. On the rare days where I managed to force him to go out with me, we would cross paths with Dan and Phil who would always be holding hands and that only broke PJ more. So when we got back to the apartment he would cry into my chest until he fell asleep. 

We were best friends, or at least, we were supposed to be, but there was a gap between us. PJ could sense I was hiding something from him which added paranoia and anxiety to his emotions, and the secret was making me go insane. I wasn't sure if I could keep it in any longer, but I didn't want it to wreck what we had between us either. 

I seriously considered telling him. I would spend sleepless nights planning out what to say but I would never be able to come to a final sentence apart from 'I'm in love with you', but maybe these things aren't supposed to be planned and the words just come when the moment's right, but whatever words I said, I knew it wouldn't fix things. PJ would still be in love with Dan and it killed me knowing I could never make him happy like he did.