You're The Straw To My Berry (Phan)

Part forty-five

PJ P.O.V.

I couldn't shake Dan off my mind. I tried to act normal but already it was creating a distance between me and Chris no matter how many times I kissed him or told him I loved him. He wasn't stupid though and he knew what was wrong with me without even bothering to confront or get it out of me, he just knew. 

What if? 

The two-worded question led to so many different questions and I wasn't sure of the answers to any of them. Being away from Dan was killing me, and I hated him for it. It was like all my old feelings had returned but they were blurred and mixed with my current ones for Chris and I was more confused than ever. 

* * *

I woke up one morning alone but with a note from Chris explaining that he'd be gone for the day and to only make dinner for myself. 

I instinctively reached for my phone and went on my contact list knowing that I would have to use today to my full advantage. I tapped on the name I wanted and called them, holding the phone to my ear, feeling more awake with every beep. 

"Hello?" answered a croaky morning voice.

"Hey." 

"PJ? What's up?" 

"Dan, I need to see you." 

"Uhh, okay, sure, when and where?"

"My place, Chris is out. Come as soon as you can." 

"Okay, I'll be there in half an hour." 

"Alright, see you then," and I hung up before he had a chance to reply. 

Maybe it was wrong of me to invite him over, but I had to be certain of some things. I could no longer bear the newly-wedged gap between me and Chris and it had only been a mere two days. I had to pray that what I was going to do wasn't going to completely mess things up. 

I walked around the apartment getting ready; it felt too big and quiet without Chris's booming personality so I went over to my much-beloved iMac and played some music loudly through the speakers that sat with a layer of dust on my desk. 

I ended up pacing around and rolling the sleeves up my navy blue jumper that I wore to death, feeling both nervous and excited to see Dan. I was scared of the outcome today, but I braced and prepared myself for both possible endings, ready to welcome whatever lay in fate's hands. 

I jumped when there was a knock at the door and turned the music off, my hands shaking slightly as I got myself ready to let him in. I opened the barrier that was separating me from him and smiled at a thinner, hopeful looking Dan. 

"Come in," I told him and our arms brushed as he did so, but I noted that the spark of electricity I would usually feel didn't appear. I closed the door and followed Dan into the lounge area where he stood awkwardly in the middle, looking unsure of if I was going to scream at him again. "Sit," I instructed and he perched on the edge of the sofa.

I sat down next to him and he tensed but didn't move away and instead shuffled the tiniest bit closer where it didn't make much difference but enough for me to notice. 

"So?" He asked me, looking interested in what I had to say. I didn't know where to start with the main reason of me inviting him over so I asked him something that I had been wondering for a while. 

"Where did you go? After you left me? That night of Jack and Finn's party?" 

"I went back home, then I packed some clothes and left." 

"To where though? Dan you were missing for two weeks! Do you have any idea how worried we've been?!" 

"You worried about me?" He perked up, looking a bit confused. 

"Of course I did, no one had heard from you so I had no idea if you were dead or not and there was no way of checking either since you kept your phone off, where did you go?"

"San Francisco," I barely heard him but my eyes widened and I looked at him with shock and disbelief. 

"Why? How did you even afford it?" 

"I had to get away, I had to be alone. I couldn't afford it; I had a credit card, so I'm in debt now." 

"Why were you gone so long? And couldn't you have told us you were okay?" 

"I wasn't ready to come back, and I was scared that if I called or texted you would've tracked me down and found me," I sighed, slightly annoyed that I couldn't find anything to argue about, but at least he was telling the truth, I couldn't fault him on that. 

"So... how did you come to the decision? Of picking me over Phil? Are you mad?" 

"I don't know... it just kind of clicked. I thought that if I really loved Phil then I wouldn't love you." 

"You're wrong." 

"What do you mean?" 

"You don't love me, you don't, I know you don't. You were just scared to go back to Phil because you thought that I would welcome you back with open arms but you didn't know what Phil would say and that uncertainty scared you, but Phil would take you take you back in a heartbeat, I know he would Dan. He really loves you, why can't you see that? Me and you... we were nothing. We were nothing like compared to you and Phil or me and Chris," that did it. You could see his eyes looking glassy from tears that he knew that everything I was saying was true. 

"No... No I love you Peej..." 

"You don't." 

"How do you know?" 

"I just do." 

"Prove it," so I did. 

I prepared myself for the worst and I closed the gap between us and kissed him.