You're The Straw To My Berry (Phan)

Part forty-one

PJ P.O.V.
 

"C-Chris! G-get off me!" I shrieked through pants during laughter. I was lying on my back and Chris was hovering above me, tickling my sides and neck. 

"Not until you say you're sorry!" 

"N-never!" 

"Peej!" Chris whined staring at me with wide, pleading eyes, something I couldn't refuse. He stopped tickling me and sat on top of me, crossing his arms.

"Okay, okay, I'm sorry," but I couldn't help the grin that slipped onto my face. 

"Say you're sorry and mean it!" 

"I'm sorry! Forgive me!" 

"That's better," he smiled and leant down and kissed me and I smiled into it. I knew it would be cliché to say I felt fireworks, but it would be the only way to describe it. 

"You're beautiful, you know?" I asked him when he pulled away. 

"Pfft, talk is cheap," he waved his hand dismissively but I saw an undeniable blush creeping up onto his cheeks. "I'm going out to just get us a few things, call me if you remember anything," he stood up and held out a hand to help me up which I accepted. 

"Okay, I love you," I hugged him and he chuckled. 

"I'm not going forever, I'll be like 15 minutes." 

"I know, I'm just saying," I felt the need to tell him often because I wasn't sure if he believed me. If I could show him how I felt when I was around him and that I had moved on from Dan and that I was in love with him, I would do it in a heartbeat. 

"Okay, I'll see you in a bit and I love you too," I smiled to myself as I watched him go out the door, feeling empty now that he wasn't there beside me.

I wandered into my room and turned on my computer so I could just browse the internet in Chris's absence. I got as far as opening the browser then there was a knock at the door. I decided to ignore it, assuming it was only a salesperson since we hadn't had visitors in ages and no one had been in contact recently. 

Whoever was at the door kept knocking and I sighed, since it sounded like they weren't going to give up anytime soon. I opened the door and froze. 

Dan? 

We stared at each other for a few moments, I was in total shock. When did he get back? 

"Dan? What are you doing here? When did you get back? Where the hell have you been? Does Phil know you're here?" 

"I got back about an hour ago, I've already seen Phil. I need to talk to you." 

"This really isn't a good idea..." 

"Please PJ, please." 

"You have five minutes," I let him in and he walked past me and I caught a bit of his scent with made me tense. 

Please don't make me fall for you again. 

"So? What is it?" I asked, wanting him to get straight to the point. I was worried about Chris coming back and finding Dan here, so I wanted him out as soon as possible. 

"I... well... when I was... away... I did a lot of thinking about I wanted. I just... basically I love you, Peej."

"No... no... don't say that... not now, not after everything you've done," I felt my eyes sting and vision blurred. I remembered the pain he had caused me in the past. The painful feelings of rejection and being used came rushing back to me at a pace that was unwelcome, opening old wounds that still hadn't fully healed.

"PJ, I'm sorry, but we can make this work," he came closer to me but I took a few steps back, almost like protecting myself. 

"You can't do this to me, you can't just come back thinking I'd want you after what you did," I couldn't believe what I was hearing. 

"PJ-" 

"No! It's too late Dan! You hurt me, you hurt me and then you left me and Chris had to make things okay again and then it was him I fell in love with," but was it too late? Was it really? Something told me I still loved Dan, but I tried to ignore the thought and kept the image of Chris in mind, I was sure, no I was certain that I was in love with him. I had moved on from Dan. I had. 

"But-" 

"No. I love Chris. Chris loves me. Phil loves you. You love Phil. Put two and two together while you can." 

"I love you PJ, just give us a chance! You wanted us at one point too." 

"Yes, wanted, that's past tense Dan, I don't love you anymore," but the more I had to try and convince him the less I was sure. 

"Peej..." I saw he was crying now which made me conscious of my own tears that streaming down my face.

"Go back to Phil, I don't need you anymore. I have Chris and you'll have Phil. Phil loves you more than I ever did, why are you making this so complicated?!" I was crossing the border of being frustrated, I couldn't understand why he wouldn't listen to me and I needed him to leave before Chris got back. 

"I love Phil but I love you too, can't you see how hard this is on me? I didn't ask to love two people at the same time, I can't help how I feel, but I choose you, PJ," he was sobbing, his sharp breath intakes and shoulders moved together in time and I couldn't help but feel guilty, after all I had been too in love with him to the extent that I was completely blind to everything else around me, even my own health. 

I wanted to help him, but the only way of doing that was hurting him first, no matter how much I didn't want to. 

"Get out Dan, I don't love you anymore," I knew I had used the right tone in my voice because I saw the last bit of hope leave his eyes, he knew that he had lost the battle today. 

I kept my hard stare on him as he slowly turned around and made his way towards the door. I saw his hand was shaking as it reached for the handle and he pushed it down and pulled it open, stopping once to glance at me before he left. 

I let out a shuddery breath when I heard the door close again and sat down where I was, wrapping my arms around myself. 

And before I could help it, the unbearable pain of heartache made another visit and I broke down into a set of new tears.