Short Stories

I'm so sorry

I am so sorry that the world is like this. I am so sorry they can't understand how perfect you are, even when you mess up or when you are messy. 

My favorite memories are you sleeping messy hair all over the shark pillow and your slow even breathes under the blankets. 

Or us sloppily dancing in the kitchen wearing fuzzy socks and laughing while we tried not to fall. The cookies came out overdone, but they were perfect because they were our cookies. 

Or making coffee, having a lazy and slow morning. Textbooks, guitar picks, hairbands and hockey sticks littering the floor and tables. Neither of us trying to study, instead we had a hairband launching competition and found out that you can almost take your eye out if you do it wrong. 

Or the way you made hot chocolate when I was sick and you had to figure out how to turn the kettle on. You nearly burnt yourself like 4 times. 

Worst was when you made tea by randomly throwing every leaf in the house into a mug instead of using a tea bag. While almost dying, we realized quickly that bay leaves, mint leaves, parsley, cinnamon, a whole nutmeg, and lime leaves don't go well together.  

The best is you watching you play and how fast you skated. You were such an amazing goalie. You were so patient with me when I tried to learn. You would have made an amazing dad and coach if we had ever had the chance to have kids. 

All these memories I have, and I can't share them with anyone. There is no one who would believe me about the butter being launched into the attic, the skates being stacked on the stairs, or the way your hands used to comb my hair. No one who listen or if they did, then they wouldn't understand. They would comfort saying the next right man will do everything you did. Will hold me like you did. Will make the same beautiful mistakes we made in the same way. Will be the man that I want for the rest of my life. But they would be wrong. 

That man won't be you. He won't going on hockey dates or have late nights like we did. He won't feed the ducks or yell at me while I jump out of a car to save a cat on the road. He won't take me to a farm and laugh with me when the cow ruins my make up. He won't come to softball tournaments and route for me like you did. He won't be there the same way you were because he won't be you. 

But made, he might love me like you did. Love my messy hair, my sleepy smile, bad jokes, and funny pictures. Maybe he will keep the sticky notes like you did. Maybe he will hold my hand and watch hockey games. Maybe he will be perfect because we can make new mistakes and when I die, I can tell you all about them. 

I love you and I am sorry it won't be you. I know we both wish it were but when we come together, I will tell you all about it. We can finally be together. Hold hands and talk the way we used to. 

I love you from now until the end of time my dearest friend.