the various chances

bonus chapter - two

Lily

3 years of our marriage and still every single day I wake up and look in the mirror and ask myself the same question again, 'When will it happen to us?' I was past my biological clock age to conceive but fuck if I can help.

I woke up early, rushed my ass to the washroom and peed, collected my urine and dabbed it on the 5 different tests yet all of them were negative. My fists curl and I wipe the tests off the bathroom counter in anger. It had to be me; I knew it had to be me. What fault could that man possess? He's been with me when we consulted all the top gynaecologists and obstetricians of the country to help point out the fault in me but all of them gave me the same answer- to have patience and nothing was physiological wrong with me, I was perfectly healthy and normal.

We've been knee deep in the problem and even as far went to have an IVF done and it failed fucking twice. The last one broke my heart into tiny pieces. I don't know but I was somehow hopeful that I'd retain the pregnancy but in a month or so the bleeding happened meaning I didn't conceive. I was frustrated with myself and beyond angry.

All of me knew that Jeremy has been dealing with it in silence, I can see it on his face, the hope that IVF works and the gloominess when it didn't. The way his eyes fall on Hannah and the kids of his friends and colleagues, makes me want to just rip my heart out. We'd discuss it at the one year mark of our marriage anniversary that it was time but boy if I knew that this was going to torment us I would've never ever made him go through this pain.

My fist hits the mirror when I see my reflection, blood comes out of my knuckles and I punch it until I go numb. Blood, that's all I have been seeing from last 2 years.

I sink to the floor and silent tears pour from my eyes. I don't want Jeremy to catch me crying like he has always been doing since all those clinic visits and the 2 IVF procedures. The worst part of the story is 4 out of 5 gynaecologists were not allowing me to have a 3rd IVF. I had a little hope in me that third times a charm but when Jeremy heard that I could lose the battle against it, he dragged me out of the clinic

The room bursts open, he broke the lock and the door almost went flying. "Lizzie", he breathes and I look up at him with teary eyes. "Fuck" -he mutters- "why did you do that?" he says and kneels on the floor. I sniff, "just a little..." "Fuck it" -he growls taking my hand in his.

"You think I don't know what you've been doing every morning? That you wake up and the first thing you do is cry over a negative pregnancy test. You think I don't know that the fertility enhancers and the medicines you consume are taking a toll on your health and the fact that you cry to sleep thinking about how we are not able to have kids. You think I don't know? Tell me, Lizzie."

"I want us to have kids", more tears slip past my eyes.

"I want that too" -he says, pulling me closer to him- "but you've drained yourself so much that now I think it's time you stop."

I blink once, "what do you mean stop?"

He sighs, "let's just stop with the medicines and IVF and all." "But Jeremy..." he places a finger on my lips, "No Lizzie, I am done putting everything on you. You are straining yourself too much and it's time we stop it right here."

"But you want us to have kids, don't you?" I ask.

"I do" -he nods- "I totally do but if it means I put your life at line then I am ready to make the bargain."

"So" -is it coming, I think when I open my mouth to speak but he does first. "We have the option of adoption and I am not against it."

I lean my head to his shoulder and sob, "give me some more time, Jeremy." Bringing my head up I look him in the eyes and say, "please Jeremy, give me some more time." He shakes his head, "we are way past it, Lizzie."