the various chances

chapter thirty five

Lily

Two days later meeting Hannah I was back at work but the lines in front of me were blurring into a language not known to me. I hear a throat clear and look up to see Jeremy staring at me. "You look like you don't understand shit", he declares.

I close the file and sigh, "I am worried about the results." He nods.

Yesterday, mine and Hannah's blood and hair sample were collected to run that paternity test and I was nervous as hell because there was a probability of results coming this evening. I couldn't rest, eat or focus on work. I knew Hannah was Millie's daughter but the result of this test is going to revolve my world to fucking 360.

There were so many questions if the result turns out in my favour and even if not in my favour. I couldn't process a single thought without it being interrupted by the test and its god damned result.

It was 2 in the afternoon and after lunch I was working on the reports with him in his cabin. The bandages of my knuckles were out and I was partially healed yet Jeremy didn't want to take any chances of me being left alone so he asked me to be on his side all the damn time. "You think too much, whatever it is won't make a difference except that Hannah's custody will be a question", he states.

A phone ringing interrupts my thought process. It was Jeremy's. He lifts a finger and proceeds to answer the call. The call barely lasted a minute and there was nothing that gave way to what might be the information he had received. On the other side my phone pings, I look down to the screen to see the message from Sanders. Without bothering to open the conversation I remove the notification all while confirming that Jeremy's eyes don't catch the words.

"Lizzie?" he says. I hum in response and look up to see he had ended the call and was looking me dead straight in the eye. "Hannah is in fact Millie's daughter. The results match; I received the call from the hospital authority."

Fucking shit!

His hand grabs mine, "Lizzie, are you happy?" he asks.

Tears break the barriers and fall from my eyes. My little Miss Millie was here and safer than ever. I gasp, "Oh my God, I can't..." wiping the corner of my eyes. I blink once, unable to stop myself from crying and cover my face with my hands. Sobs tear through the back of my throat, uncontrollably.

I was cursing fate from within for separating me and Hannah. Millie would hate me so much; it hurt to think that she'll never forgive me for this even after being not here anymore. My head hurt, my eyes were stinging and my skin was heating with guilt and misery. I was a terrible sister; I failed all 3 of them. I couldn't even understand the fact that why was I even having a peaceful life when Millie would be turning upside down in her grave, cursing and hating me for God knows how long!

Warm hands wrap around my wrists and tug at them. My hands are being pulled, uncovering my face to find Jeremy kneeling in front of my chair. I sob, "Jeremy, I..." "Talk to me, Lizzie. Let it out", he says. My hands fall on my lap and I sob harder, "I feel like a failure, Jeremy. It wasn't supposed to be like this. I was supposed to be there with Millie and Hannah. I shouldn't have left them behind."

My lips quiver, "God, I can't think what has Hannah gone through and it all feels like my fault. If only I was more responsible. If only I had fought more harder." Tears stream down my cheeks, falling on my lap. I let them, I don't stop them. I never grieved my mother, I never grieved Millie but now my world had been crumpled down to ashes. It was like I was standing on the edge of a cliff, ready to be thrown down once and for all.

"I've never hated myself this much."

I was crying hard and uncontrollably. The reality of my life had sunken deep inside my mind completely leaving me pile of regrets and guilt to accomplish for my next 100 lives. My eyes hurt yet I don't stop. They had a lifetime of sorrow to cry.