the various chances

chapter forty

Lily

"I love you so fucking much to let you go, Lizzie."

His words constantly ring in my ear. I was in my room, sitting on the bed with my knees curled up and arms resting on them folded. After I made a run out, I took my things and just ran out. I couldn't quite see shit with teary eyes but I managed to hail a cab and haul my ass to my apartment. I haven't changed my clothes, washed my face or even sit up after coming back home.

My hands cover my ears but it doesn't stop the voice ringing in my ear. Jeremy's words are roaming in my ears. They went to my heart and made a shiver run through it so hard that it might have jumped once. My sobs are echoing through the room and I tell myself to stop, that it will dissipate once I am out of here. Nothing stops me from crying my eyes out and I do.

For the rest of the night, I sit there like a ghost. Not being able to process a single thing after the words just appear every fucking second. My eyes had dried out, my heart was wrinkled from all the crying. He shouldn't have said it, it would've been so much easier to just walk out and never look back thinking he'll never feel a single thing in my absence but fuck him. Fuck you, Jeremy! Why would you do this to me?

Hours later, I find myself cleaning my face and changing into my nightwear only for me to book a flight for London of 2 days later and pack all stuff. I just wanted to get done with Sanders and never look back.

I wish I could meet Hannah one more time, kiss her cute cheeks and tell her that I'll miss her. I wish I could tell Emma and Sammy that I'll be forever grateful for their friendship and miss them but most importantly I wish I could have told Jeremy something else other than being sorry. I wish I weren't tangled in such a mess making me freeze during his confession. I wish I could've told something that had a meaning for us.

The sun rises up again. I probably look like a ghost but rather continue my daily routine with a small smile on my face. Sammy asks me if I was okay, I answered that I was fine and that she didn't need to worry about me. I tell Emma that I had taken another day off and that I'll see them at evening. After our breakfast they head to their work.

I finish stuffing the last items in my bag and hide it underneath the bed. I wasn't functioning properly yet I slap my brain to wake up and move on. My phone rings and I see the name on the screen and anger takes over me. I answer the call and hear him sneer at me, "Morning, princess. I've sent you the address. Be a good girl to your father and be there at 11. Don't be late."

Before I could tell him to fuck off the call goes off. I suppress a sigh and look at the time. I had 2 hours more before I head out to meet that fucker and do whatever he wants me to. I step to the window of my room, look up at the sky and whisper, "Please send me some courage, Mom. I am so tired."

I stand there for a few minutes, reeling over everything. My phone pings. I sigh when I receive the address from Sanders. Slipping the phone into the pocket of my jeans, I reach out for my trench coat over my cotton tee and make my way out of the house after an hour of continuous hammering on my brain. Hailing a cab, I show the address to driver and he starts the ride.

I sit back empty minded but soon it was filled by Jeremy. He did not make run for me, called me, texted me nothing. But I was feeling everything between us fade but to save myself from one last fall I find myself squaring my shoulders and shooting him a quick test- Did you meant it?

I wait and wait and wait and a sigh of disappointment runs through me. Dropping the phone in my lap I look out of the window. A minute later I receive a text. My face lights up and heat creeps up my neck, I suppress a sob at the back of my throat. It was from Jeremy.