the various chances

Chapter forty two

Lily

I throw my head back on the cold tile of the washroom. The ache in my chest was too much, the pounding of my heart in the ribcage was too much and every single thing felt too much to live in. My cheek felt moist from all the tears I've been shedding since.

Jeremy was rushed to hospital and after some good cuss words from Lorenzo over phone, he was immediately rushed to operation theatre. I was holding on to his bullet wound from the very beginning but it wouldn't stop and my heart dipped in my stomach at the sight. My hands were covered in his blood and I realized that somewhere I was responsible for this as well.

The mere sight of a so lifeless looking Jeremy lying in my arms while I scream my heart out flashes in my head as I watch the nurses and doctors roll his stretcher inside the room. Lorenzo was standing at the door of the room. He slams his hand in the door once looking down to his feet and sighs. He looks up and his eyes lock to mine. I gulp and step away from him.

Putting distance between me and Lorenzo I stand at some feet away from him. My eyes hurt but I couldn't stop tears that were at the back. My gaze keeps on roaming to the operation room and I couldn't just breathe properly for once. I was standing there, too guilty to go and face Lorenzo.

Footsteps rush past me; I turn my head to see Layla rushing past me and stop beside Lorenzo. They exchange words and I watch Layla nod at her twin brother. I stay there rooted, having no idea what to do next. My hands were in the pockets of my tattered and dirt smeared coat to hide the shivering and Jeremy's blood on it. I lean to the wall and close my eyes once, the exhaustion coming in.

"Where is he?" I open my eyes to Mrs Langford's voice rushing past me. Mr Langford was with her too. Fuck! What was I going to answer his parents? How will I tell them that it was me because of whom their son was inside? That instead of me their son was taken inside, how am I going to deal with his family?

Julianna followed them along with her grandfather. She walks near them and I watch her burst into tears. She was thrashing to go inside the room. Lorenzo tries to hold her back making her give up and wrap her arms around him. She was crying in Lorenzo's arms, Mr Langford had his arms around his wife.

I blink once, thinking they would want answers and I would be as guilty as charged.

Julie's eyes were on me. She makes a small run towards me. I gulp once and straighten my spine. Her hands grab the collar of my coat and pull. She seethes in pure rage, "Why is that you are the reason my brother has to fight for his life for second time?" I wrap my fingers around her wrists and try shaking her hands off.

"Julie, let her go", Mrs Langford says in a warning manner.

Jeremy's family gathers around us, Lorenzo trying to pulling Julie off my face while Layla gets beside me. I swallow the lump down my throat, about to tell them that it's my fault when Julie leaves my collar and starts crying, "Why my brother?" "I am sorry", I whisper. She lets go of me.

Lorenzo makes her take a seat in front of the room while I shut my eyes tight to stop the tears from spilling. They don't stop and I couldn't stand in front of his family. I suppress a sob with hand on my mouth, turn on my heel and start walking to the other direction. I cross a little distance when I hear a voice calling me out. It was Layla.

"I..."

"Don't leave, Lily" –she says- "Jeremy will need you when he wakes up."

"I can't, Layla" –I say pointing to the operation room- "I am responsible for this. I can't." A sob slips past my lips. She walks in front of me, grabbing my arms she gives them a little shake, "you are not seeing it, Lily." I watch her teary eyes and hear her sniff, "please, I can guarantee you; you are going to be the first person he asks for once he wakes up."