Breathing Again

Broken

Rob's POV:

I was contemplating whether I could hug her to say goodnight when she dropped her purse. When I looked down to help her gather her stuff, I saw them. Three boxes of pills with names I have never heard of before rolled towards my feet. I instantly looked at Kristen, who looked like she just woke up naked in the middle of Times Square. She looked absolutely mortified, hecticly throwing the pills back in her purse. When I opened my mouth to ask, she interrupted me: "These are my friend's, I just got them for her, please dont worry about it ok? See you in the morning!"
She tried to close the door on me but I put my foot in. "Kristen, listen to me, we can go the short way or the long one, but I'm not going to bed before you tell me the truth. God, are you sick, Kristen???", just asking this question made my stomach feel completely empty and I had to concentrate not to shed the tears that had instantly welled up. What I had managed successfully didn't work for her. Tears started rolling down her cheeks and she pressed her lips together, probably contemplating how to go on from here. After a moment, she opened the door, not saying a word. I silently entered her room. We sat down on the couch and after another deadly, unbearable minute of silence, she began: "This has never gotton out. You cannot tell anyone, ever, do you swear Rob?"
"Of course, bab-, I'M SORRY, KRISTEN" God!! How could this happen...., I cursed myself, hoping she would forgive me and go on.
She didn't even seem to notice my slip-up and continued: "Absolutely nobody has ever known about that, not my family, my girlfriend (I noticed her not saying fiancé out loud), nobody." She took a deep breath in. "I'm cronically depressed.", she said, not looking me in the eyes. "These are strong anti-depressants. I have to take them every day."
I was shocked. I didn't know how to respond. After a moment I started with a question: "For how long....?"
She looked at me like that was the detail she was least willing to tell. After what seemed like an eternity, she finally said; "For about 9 years."
9 years. My God. Was this what it looked like? No, that couldnt be it. I took a deep breath and reached out for her hands. She let me take them and for a while I just held her, neither of us knowing what to say. After a while, I was brave enough: "Do you know the reason for it...?" I couldn't ask directly if it was our break-up, but her face gave the answer away. Once she looked at me, her tears started streaming down and so did mine. I have never felt so broken before (or I guess I have, about 9 years ago). It all came back up, so many emotions. I hugged her tight and we sat in the dark room just holding each other and crying for about half an hour.

Kristen's POV:

The oddest thing about the whole situation was the feeling of absolute relief that washed over me as soon as I had said it out loud. I felt like after all these years of lying to everyone but my therapists, I was being me again. It was my broken self and infront of me was the reason for the mess of my mental state, but weirdly enough, I felt better than any day of these last years, finally not pretending anymore. Not pretending to be fine for this half hour that we just sat there and hugged. It felt amazing. His arms felt amazing. After such a long time I had forgotton how it felt to perfectly fit into his embrace, how our sizes matched so perfectly. I felt pure bliss. But then it filtered through my brain that even though this was the way I was feeling, that wouldn't be the case for him. He was happy and well and I was not gonna stand in the way of his joy. I couldn't tear him down with me. I instantly got up from the couch we were sitting on and pretended to be tired so he would leave. He didn't buy it. "Kristen, what is going on, what just happened?"
"Seriously, I am just very sleepy, from the meds, you know....", I tried again.
"When will you get this? You can lie to people who dont know you as well as I do, but...", he started.
"Rob, I really do want to sleep, we have a busy day tomorrow. I'll be fine, I promise you." I said, squeezing his hand.
"Fine....", he stood up hesitantly. "Text me if you need anything. Anything at all. Okay?"
"See, this is why I didn't tell anyone. I don't want special treatment like a sick person, you know? You have a perfect life with a wonderful relationship, cool jobs, good friends. I am not getting in your way, even if you know this about me now, do you hear me Rob?"