So On

Chapter 19 - Let's Break The Rules

"Brandon what the hell!" I complained as I struggled off his tightly wrapped arms around me. He just suddenly hugged me out of nowhere. I'm so annoyed right now. He thinks he can sway me by this fake sweet gesture?

"I don't want to look at your damn face right now. Let go and get lost." I spat, but my tone didn't sound all that commanding at all. In fact, it sounded like the total opposite.

"Fine," he mumbled. Then he twirled me around so he was facing my back. He locked his arms around my shoulders and buried his face on my neck. "Then don't look at me. Just listen to what I have to say," he pleaded.

This is ridiculous what we're doing. It's stupid and I feel like crying all over again. I don't get him at all. What's wrong with us both?

This is getting too dramatic for me.
I stood still and remained quiet. He took that as a sign that I was listening, so he began. "I'm sorry. I just went along with your lead. I was too harsh. I'm sorry. I really didn't mean anything I said back there."

Liar.

He's just saying that to save face and to fool me again. He's just scared of losing his only opponent in our dumb game.

"I know you probably won't believe me," he said as if he read my mind just now. "But you started it. You told Sam we were just doing stuff for fun. I mean, I know we are, but still, I don't think... I was actually..." He began trailing off his words.

I kept quiet as he mustered up the courage to continue what he was saying. He sighed. I shivered when his warm breath tickled the nape of my neck. "Before you said anything to Sam, I was about to say... Yeah, I did consider dating you seriously."

My pulse stopped for a second there. Was this another trick? A tactic? Or was this real?

How long is he going to leave me confused? I'm sick of it already. I'm sick of not being sure of anything.

"But not now," he said. I held my breath for some reason I won't admit. "I like what we have right now. And none of us confessed to each other yet, so you won't leave me for Sam, right? Right?"

I noticed how his voice showed a hint of a tremble. He was speaking out of nervousness. Like he was scared of losing something.

I can't tell if he's acting or if he's just going with the flow of the moment.

I'm scared to believe it's real. Because if it's not, I know I'll be disappointed again. I won't be too hopeful this time, I won't expect anything. Playing safe is more assuring, and this way I won't meet any disappointments.

I've had this way of thinking since my dad left us years ago. No one can exactly blame me for being what I am today.

I held the arm that was around my shoulder and rested my cheek against it. I wonder why I always lower my guard around him. I trust him, but at the same time I don't. "Do you like being with me?"

I needed to know, at least.

He stopped for a moment, maybe surprised by my question. I felt him nodding his head from behind. "Of course."

"Don't you get tired of my mean, sarcastic comments?"

"No," he chuckled. "I enjoy arguing with you even if I know I always lose."

"Don't you hate it when I punch you, kick you or harm you in anyway, conscious or not?"

He sighed. I don't know what expression he was making. He hugged me tighter from behind and somehow, I was starting to calm down. "First, don't label me a masochist for saying this. I don't hate it. But I don't exactly like it either. But it's fine with me anyway. I don't mind if it's you."