Guilty Conscience

All the Angels Have Come

It was nearing the time for me to leave. I didn't want to, of course.

Gerard hadn't pushed me away. He hadn't told me to kill myself. He still liked me, he still wanted me around.

"Frank, we've only got a few hours left."

"I know...Can I just live here?"

Gerard chuckled.

"I wish, darling, but no. You have your mother at home, you can't be living here."

"No fair." I mumbled.

He pulled me into a hug, and kissed my cheek lightly.

"I know, but you aren't leaving just yet."

I snuggled up against him. Until now, I never realized how soft his bed was. It was like laying down on a cloud, and Gerard was the sunshine that warmed me. It was pure heaven.

I closed my eyes, wanting to stay like this forever. I had never felt so loved before. Maybe this isn't what love is defined as, but to me, it felt a lot better than the shit I had when Dad was alive.

"Frank?"

"Yes?"

"Why did you make those scars?"

"I wanted to control the pain. It was the only thing at the time I could control. I had a sense of security."

"Do you feel that way now?"

"Sometimes."

"Even with me?"

"Gerard, you help, yes. You don't stop it completely. I don't think I will ever not feel this way."

"I wish I could do more..."

"Just being here helps a lot more than you could understand."

Gerard sighed.

He was about to say something, but then he heard the front door open and slam.

"GERARD ARTHUR WAY!"

"Fuck me...stay here, Frank."

"I will if you would let me.." I winked.

He turned around and rolled his eyes, then closed his door. I could hear how fast paced his footsteps where, so I assumed he was running down the stairs.

Was it the best joke to make? No. Did I still do it because I'm me? Absolutely.

It was around 10 minutes, and all I heard was muffled yelling. I was concerned, so I opened the door and went to sit down on the stairs to listen.

"He's a low-life! He doesn't belong here!"

"I don't care! I like him, Dad."

"You what?!"

"Yes, I like him! Go somewhere else, ok?"

"I'm telling you, he needs to rot in hell. He's gay, and so, so filthy. Does he even shower?"

"Dad, stop."

**HIYA, THIS IS KINDA TRIGGERING, SO PLS SKIP IF YOU FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE. THERE'S SAYINGS OF KYS, A KNIFE, AND SH. PROCEED WITH CAUTION.**

"I mean, I'm just warning you. Everybody will hate us. They will leave our family. Frank should kill himself. Nothing less. If he did, it would make everyone so happy. I bet even his family is hoping he ends up dead on the side of a street, sprawled out like a defenseless victim. He's weak, only a matter of time before you realize that."

I stared in shock. I thought Gerard's dad liked me? But he really just wants me to disappear.

"What the fuck?"

"Just stating facts, y'know, you should bring him down so I can say these things to his face."

I stood up and walked towards him.

"No need, I heard it all."

Gerard stared in disbelief.

"Frank, I told you to stay upstairs."

"No, he needs to hear it, in fact, I've got something else for him."

Gerard's dad walked to the kitchen and grabbed something.

It was a knife. A fucking knife.

My eyes grew wide.

Gerard noticed and stepped in front.

"Move, son. He needs to be taught a lesson, about how he can't just infiltrate a family because he feels like it."

Gerard was pushed out of the way.

I ran up the stairs and into Gerard's room, and locked the door. It was too much. I grabbed the shiny object from my backpack and held it to my left arm.

"Why won't you die? Go kill yourself!"

"Dad, please.." I cried and begged for my life.

"Disgrace of a son. Never should've kept you. I was going to force your mother to give you up for adoption when you were two. I was hellbent on it, but they said we couldn't because there was no reason for us to. I should've dumped you somewhere, maybe tied a weight to you and threw you in the lake. Anything would've been better than having to deal with you now."

I whimpered.

"You're so pathetic. Maybe, just maybe, this will kill you."

And with that, he slashed me. Across my torso.

I yelled in pain.

"I hope you die, you worthless piece of shit."

I was breathing way too hard. I was inhaling, but nothing was going in.

Gerard stormed in the room, taking in my broken state.

He quickly removed the blade from my hand and tossed it somewhere in his room.

"Darling please look at me."

I tried as much as I could.

"He's drunk, ok? He's mad at me. Do not listen to him. He doesn't deserve your tears." He then wiped away my streaming tears gently and placed a kiss on me

"Did you cut?"

I nodded, letting my head fall in shame. Only a couple minutes ago was I saying that Gerard had helped, and here I was, bleeding in front of him.

"Ok, it's alright, I'll get you cleaned up."

He got up, dampened a rag, got some antibiotics and a band-aid.

He helped me onto his bed, then sat behind me.

"Lay down, darling."

And so I did. I was still crying and gasping for air. I was broken.

He dabbed the cut with the rag and waited until the blood had subsided. He took the antibiotic ointment and lightly put some on the wound, then covered it with a band-aid. He took his arms and rubbed mine softly. It calmed me down a lot. His touch made me shudder.

**Mk, it should be ok now, sorry-**

"Shhh...You're ok, I've got you."

I just sobbed. His words were so touching, but the words of his dad still stung. It brought back too many memories.

He hugged me and continued to comfort me.

After I had calmed down, I was able to speak.

"Why does he hate me?"

"Because he doesn't know to love, baby. His heart is too sour to understand love."

Gerard dropped me off at home, kissing me goodbye. I wanted to cry. He had helped me so much and now he would drive off. Before he left, I ran to his car and hugged him.

"I'm so sorry..."

"Don't be. I'll see you tomorrow."

You are my sunshine...