My Cup Of Coffee

Chapter 47

Waking up in pure cold sweat and my heart raising had become normal. Just as it had been years ago. But why now? After the therapy, pills, multiple breakdowns and mental checks monthly, they are back. All those things had been erased from my mind. I was only eight years old. The last time I was in a doctor's office or sitting in front of one in a chair was when I was thirteen. After that I was back to what you could call "normal." Yet I'm still haunted down by that one memory. Why must I be so weak?

December. Finally. The last month of the year was here. Welcomed with snow but sunny skies. Everything began to shift back to my usual life. All it took was time and spending even more time with my husband these past few days. I would be meeting him for dinner tomorrow. That's when I'll tell him about my plans with the girls. He would have to deal with it one way or another. I got up and cleaned my room for the first time in days. I had articles coming in today. So I braced myself for that with a cup of coffee and a warm shower.

After that, I put together scrambled eggs, toast and some fruit for breakfast. Having no energy to cook anything. I never do. My laptop was dead, already getting me off to a rough start. It had become a routine to receive a call from Jennie every other day. She didn't call yesterday. So I was expecting her to today. After thanksgiving she didn't mention Y/n, and I didn't ask about her. I'm clueless as to where she is now. My curiosity got the best of me and caused me to dial Jennie's number. She picked up almost immediately.

"I was about to call you" she laughed "whats up?"

"Happy December" I awkwardly tell her. "how are you?"

"Doing alright. One less day until I can see you. How are you doing?"

"Just fine" I lied. I simply don't know what's wrong. But something feels empty within me

Jennie and I went on for an hour. Discussing random things, wanting to pretend as if we were in the same room. Eventually we had to call it off and I had to get to work. My laptop being ready to go. I opened it up finding two articles about the economy before and after thanksgiving. Nothing I care about, but something that pays my bills. So I have to cope and finish it all up. Trying to bring comfort back, I made myself a cup of tea and opened my windows. Allowing the bright daylight in, snow flakes falling, a wonderful day. Being accompanied by my fluffy socks and warm night gown.

Another day passed and I had the same routine. Get up, shower, coffee, breakfast, chat with Jennie, and now I've been done with my two articles. Taking it slow and constantly checking my phone and having absolutely nothing to look at. It's pointless. To the point that the only things I can partially look forward to are dinners with Sehun or having little time with my two friends. When did life get this boring? Or am I just now coming to this conclusion? Noticing how blunt it is without her. What has she done to me? After keeping her off my mind she sneakes her way back. So effortlessly, she has control of me.

The urge to tell Sehun about us tonight heavily rested on my conscious. But what good is that? I will never see her again. I'm married to the man I love and will happily move in with him too. Telling him would throw it away and by going behind his back, I had already done so. He doesn't deserve this. And I don't deserve to be loved by him. Yet I'm so much of a coward that I will keep it to myself and live in regret. Hurting him but he'll never acknowledge it. Because he'll never know.

-

"I'm going back over there for the holidays" I say the second we took our first bite of the delicious pasta he made for us tonight.

Sehun looked up at me, nearly choking from what I had told him. "What do you mean 'back over there'?" He knew what I meant but didn't want to confirm it.

"Irene wants to meet with Lisa and well I made really good friends" I shrugged. Taking a drink of the lemonade. "We have a strict 'no men allowed' rule. Trust me I didn't come up with it. But Nayeon doesn't like those" my hand immediately went up to my mouth when that last word slipped. I had just referred to men as objects on accident. "I heard Nayeon said it once and it kind of stuck with me. I'm sorry"