My Cup Of Coffee

Chapter 61

I've always questioned what I'm going to do with my life, where I should live and even those who are around me. But I've never once questioned who I am. Since I was a little girl I've always known who I wanted to be, someone with order and a good job. Now, I can't even organize my feelings nor actions. Is this my fault or the girl's? Who am I? It's normal for me to wake up in the middle of the night from a horrifying nightmare, it's normal for me to panic and have a hard time catching my breath, all these things are my norm.

My mind couldn't focus on the movie, much less could my system enjoy the pizzas. I was far too caught up in my own thinking and hated this. By the end of it all I had even more questions, little of them regarding the girl. I came to the conclusion that if I move in with Sehun it will be somewhat miserable for the both of us, I can't love him back. As much as I want and need to return his feelings I'm not capable of it. Getting a divorce is too much paper work for me to handle so I can't tell him what I have done.

At the same time, getting a divorce will allow him to find someone who truly loves him, yet when I'm with him I feel in love. That's not love. What even is love? Yet another question. If I leave him, then what? I've been through this many times, the girl and I can't happen. Even if I wanted to she's not the type to go into a relationship. Most specifically with someone like me. Though we have our good times like last night, though my lips and body only seem to crave for her own, we argue and fight just like a few hours ago. She says such senseless things to me, the girl is far too complicated. I will go back home and never have to deal with her again.

But what if I do want to deal with her?

I don't.

Irene had called telling me she was back at the apartment, it was 8 now. We had watched two movies and finished three whole boxes of pizza. My stomach felt bloated and my body extremely exhausted though I barely got any activity done today. We chatted for a while and then it was my time to get back to the apartment. Jeongyeon had never come back and none of them spoke to me one on one. As if avoiding any type of direct conversation with me.

-

"You might as well call my car yours" Irene welcomed me once I stepped foot into the apartment.

I mumbled as I sat on the couch "I'm sorry"

Irene joined me on the couch wrapping both her arms around my shoulders with a tired sigh. "We're going back the day after tomorrow" my heart seemed to have dropped to my stomach after she said that. I've been wanting to finally return but coming to the reality of that means leaving the girl behind, which is what I should want to do. "How are you and Y/n?"

I took a pause thinking about how she had worded that, as if me and the girl are something. "Same as always? How do you feel about going back?"

Irene sighed "I don't want to but I at least need to take the girls back to the airport, and get you back home"

"Will you move in with her?"

"That's the plan sometime soon"

I was a bit shocked for a second and then understood. They clearly love each other and have grown to be comfortable in all circumstances "you'll be leaving me" I dramatically whined.

"You have Sehun"

Instant silence took over us.

"If you're not happy with him" She began, I knew exactly where she was going with this and I wouldn't stop her "leave him. I know it's not that simple but it's not fair to him, or you"

"I know", I couldn't say anything else because she was absolutely right. "Thank you for helping me out last night"

"Do you want to talk about that?"