Psycho Killer

Guilt

We get back to the precinct and there's a deafening silence.
All I wanna do is go home.
I sit in the chair and I feel it against my back.
I zone out.
Hotch definitely blames me for what happened.
JJ watches me as I fiddle with my thumbs.
"Hey how about we FaceTime the babies huh? I know you miss them?"
I nod slightly.
JJ calls her mom.
"Hey guys, how are you?"
"Mom somethings happened and we just need to see the babies?"
"Oh okay I hope you're okay"
She shows us the kids.
Lux is sitting on the couch with some baby puffs.
She looks at us and then she tries to touch us through the screen
"Hi baby!"
"Mama!"
Lux smiles
"Hi sweetie!"
I smile as I try to hold in my tears.
Grayson is asleep in the cot and Sloane is sitting in JJ's fathers arms as he cradled her.
"She's just falling asleep now"
She smiles as Sloane falls asleep.
"Night babies"
I blow a kiss and then Sandy hangs up.
I immediately go back out to avoid talking about it to JJ.
She follows me and tears begin to fall.
She holds me.
"I'm fine....it's okay"
I tell her as I hide my true feelings
I blame myself for his death.
I should've went with him.
He asked me to go but since I had already seen it I said nah.
Survivors guilt they whisper.
"It's all your fault"
The voice tells me.
It's so quiet and everyone is silent.
"Let's go to the hotel now baby"
"I don't want to leave"
I cry.
"You're no good to the team honey...you haven't slept or eaten so we need to go"
She takes my hand and sits me into the car.
I accept it and she drives.
When we get to the hotel , we check in and I start to sob again.
"Is- is she okay?"
The receptionist whispers
"No"
JJ shakes her head as she takes the room key.
"Thank you"
We take the lift up to the second floor.
"It's all my fault!"
I sob as she holds me.
"We need to talk about what you just said baby?"
I shake my head as I get out of the elevator.
She puts the keys into the elevator.
I attempt to walk away but she holds me in place.
She removes my coat and my bloodstained tank top.
I sob as it reveals the fresh cuts that I made in the hospital before the team came.
"When?"
She questions with an angered expression.
"After Rossi-"
I don't finish my sentence because I don't want it to become real.
She takes me into the bathroom.
She cleanses my wounds and bandages them.
I wash my hands so much in the shower that they start to bleed
"Oh okay baby...that's enough come"
She tells me as she tries to get me to shut the door
"No, I'm not clean enough"
"Baby you are clean!"
"No I'm not"
I close the door and rinse my body down.
I eventually get out and dry myself.
I come back out and JJ looks so mad.
I pull on my pyjamas that I packed
"Are- are you mad at me?!"
I cry demanding an answer as I lean against the desk.
"No baby, I'm jut scared for how you're feeling or going to deal with this"
"I'm- I'm fine baby"
"You're masking again baby"
She frowns.
She jumps off the bed and comforts me as I start to sob.
She holds me as I slowly sink down into the floor.
She comforts me until I get up and lie down on the bed.
"Let's go have dinner baby"
"I'm not hungry"
I tell her with a serious face.
"We're going, get ready"
I sigh as I pull on an outfit.
We go down to the bar and we get some drinks.
I end up ordering vodka.
"Are you sure you should be drinking?"
"JJ please just loosen up a bit"
"Okay fine"
She orders a glass of white whine.
I ended up drinking a whole bottle after eating of course so I wouldn't get alcohol poisoning.
JJ had to help me to walk out of there.
"I love butterflies"
I mumble as I collapse onto the bed.
She watches as I roll around and laugh to myself.
"It's not funny em"
She sighs.
"This is how I deal with stuff okay so please don't be mad!"
I fiddle underneath the bedsheets and I change into my pyjamas.
She lies down beside me after she gets changed.
"I love you baby"
I say.
"I love you more"
I sigh and fall asleep.
I feel Rossi's hands cling onto me as he struggles to breathe.
I wake up and throw up in the toilet.
JJ opens the door and she holds my hair back
"I'm sorry! Please don't hurt me!"
I whine
"Baby I'm not Dylan"
She holds me as I sob.
She wipes my mouth for me and then I take a drink of water with some paracetamol.
I go back to sleep whilst JJ gets ready for the day.
She lets me sleep since I barley got any last night.
She goes down for breakfast.
She brings me a croissant and I eat it.
She decides to go to the shop to buy groceries.
I go back to sleep,
I wake up at 12pm to my phone blowing up with text messages from Hotch apologising
"I'm sorry I blamed you Em, I only did that because I blame myself!"
"Please answer me Em"
"Don't be like this"
"I was sleeping Hotch"
I reply.
"Okay I'm so sorry Em. I shouldn't have said it was your fault, it clearly wasn't. It was the murderer's fault"
"I know, you were just upset Hotch, I know now that you didn't mean it"
I turn off my phone and get dressed.
I end up relapsing since I'm all alone in the hotel room.
JJ walks in whilst I have the blades.
I quickly try to hide them.
"What've you got in your hands baby?"
She questions.
"Nothing"
I open my left hand.
"What's in your other hand baby?"
I start to instantly cry as I can feel the blood dripping.
"Baby....what did you do?"
She opens my hand to reveal the blades with fresh blood.
She rolls up my sleeve and some blood spurts.
She flinches and I sit there emotionless as she tries to stop the bleeding.
She goes a tourniquet to my arm as I screech.
"I know I know it hurts baby"
She forces me to go to the hospital.
I get my arms stocked and She updates the team on what's happened and she tells me that I can't investigate Rossi's case
"No no, it's my fault! I need to investigate and find out who did this!"
I sob as I try to pull out the IV.
The doctors rush in and restrain me to the bed.
I sob as I squirm in the bed.
"Stop stop....no Dylan!!!!
"Baby baby honey....he's dead remember. You're safe with me!"
She tries to comfort me but the nurses make her leave so that they can dress me.
"Let her do it"
I sob.
"No"
JJ is forced out of the room and then a male doctor comes in.
He closes the door.
"I- I want a female doctor!"
I cry.
"There's none available!"
"BULLSHIT!"
I cry.
He holds me down and I struggle.
"I'm going to remove your top now"
I muffle some screams as he places a hand on my stomach.
"Stop struggling or else I'll send you to a psych ward!"
"You can't do that?"
"I run this hospital! I sign off on everything!"
He takes off my top.
He removes my bra as I scream.
He places the hospital gown on me and then he removes my jeans and also my panties.
"Can't you keep them on?"
"It's easier than having to pull them down every time you need the toilet."
He grins at me.
He's so weird.
I don't like him
I feel grossed out so much then he allows JJ back into the room.
She folds my clothes and puts them on the chair since most of it is bloodstained.
She frowns as I struggle and sob.
"I'm going to see if I can get you out of these restraints!"
She leaves and brings a doctor back.
"Take those off of her now! She has no reason to be in these! She won't hurt you! She's a scared traumatised woman and these are just bringing her right back to the trauma so take them off!"
The man nods and he unlocks the restraints.
"It's okay baby"
She rubs my forehead and I cling to her.
I cling to her and I don't let go until I get up to use the bathroom.