Psycho Killer

shit

I sigh as I wake up and realise that I have therapy again today.
JJ rubs my back as I vomit into the toilet.
I wipe my mouth then proceed to get dressed.
I go downstairs after feeding the cats.
Roxy runs around with Sergio while Nala lies down.
I sigh.
"Are you okay baby?"
She questions.
"Yeah, I'm just nervous for therapy"
I tell her as I eat a granola bar
She holds my hand
"Everything's gonna be fine baby"
She puts the worksheets into her bag.
I nod slightly as we head out.
We see the babies and take them for a walk.
We take them to daycare and then we head to my therapy session.
My head is pounding.
She calls my name so I go inside
I sit down and immediately my leg bounces
"Do- do we have to talk about the worksheets or can I start a new one while you guys reflect on it?"
"It's up to you"
"The second option"
I smile lightly as JJ pulls out the worksheets.
She talks to Amelia and Clara about which one to give me.
They give me a bean bag and I sit down
I smile lightly as JJ places a worksheet in front of me.
I get my pens out and I pick my favourite one.
I remove my sweater since I'm too hot.
I can feel my shirt clinging to my scars.
I write down a couple of words to describe how I feel
I bite down on my finger whilst I try to think.
JJ spots this and she removes it from my mouth with a frown.
She sits back down on the middle of Amelia and Clara
They all observe me as I bite my pen.
I get back to answering the questions.
I look up to see all of them staring at me
"I- I need the bathroom"
"Go ahead. Todays a long session so take your time"
I nod as I pull myself up off the bean bag
I hurry off to the bathroom and I go.
I cut my arms since I can't focus.
I go back in and I smile lightly as I shut the door.
I sit back down and I feel the babies kick me hard.
I continue writing and blood transfers onto the page.
I try to hide it but JJ sees it.
"Amelia, have you got any bandages?"
I instantly shake my head at Jj with a panicked face.
"Why?"
She looks down at me and she sees the the blood is quickly spreading
"Oh shit"
She rushes into her cupboard and pulls out anti septic bandages.
I reluctantly hold out my arm as JJ pulls up my sleeve.
"You need stitches baby"
I shake my head and I try to get up.
"No no stay sitting down baby"
She takes the bandages from Amelia and she wraps my arms tightly as I sob
Clara looks shocked as the blood keeps coming.
"Amelia, call an ambulance"
"No- I'm- I'm fine"
She shakes her head
"They're still bleeding. Did you do them on your thighs or the other arm?"
I nod
"Where baby? Tell me?"
"Both"
She pulls up the other sleeve and she bandages that one too.
She yanks down my jeans as I plead for her to stop
"The ambulance is nearly here"
Amelia comments.
She bandages both of my thighs since I made some deep slashes
"We need to place her on suicide watch"
JJ comments
"Fuck you! I'm not suicidal!"
I sob
"You are!"
The paramedics arrive and I try to fight.
They end up restraining me to the stretcher.
They check my vitals and my blood pressure is raised
"Honey I need you to calm down!"
"Fuck off! Telling me to calm down?!"
They rush me to the hospital and I get stitched.
I sob and sob until I can't stop anymore.
Everything hurts and JJ stares at me
"I- I need a coffee"
"A coffee more like a fucking lobotomy! I don't need to be here! Please let me come home baby"
"I'm sorry love"
She walks out as I sob for her to come back and not to leave.
A one on one comes in and he watches me
"I- I want a female"
"We can't give you special treatment I'm afraid"
I sob again.
JJ comes back with a coffee and a water for me.
The one on one radios over that I'm okay and currently not at risk since I'm restrained.
JJ holds the water bottle up for me to drink out of but I shake my head
"We need to keep you hydrated"
"I'm not thirsty"
"Drink a little baby"
I sigh and I take a sip.
They're pushing fluids so I feel a bit out of it.
I close my eyes and I don't open them until the doctor wakes me
"What? Huh?"
Tears fall down my face once I see Amelia and Clara.
"What- are you guys doing here?"
"We came to visit you"
I smile lightly.
They hand me the worksheets and the one that's stained with blood.
JJ puts them aside since she doesn't want me lifting anything.
Amelia and Clara take their seats.
I look away from them as the man looks at all of us.
'My name is Tim, just taught I'd introduce myself"
"Hi"
Everyone says except me
"Get out!"
I respond
"Em don't be rude"
"Leave me alone JJ!"
"I need you guys to remain calm"
Amelia buts in.
"I- I can't be calm!! Please just get him out of here please!!"
JJ nods and Tim leaves.
"You know that he'll have to come back baby"
"No. No no"
I keep repeating as I shake my head
"Baby it's okay. I could stay with her so that Tim doesn't have to stay?"
I nod my head rapidly as my eyes plead with Amelia.
"I guess that could work."
I sigh with relief
Clara goes to get a coffee.
Amelia and JJ talk about me like I'm not even there
"Yeah she said she was thinking of suicide on one of the worksheets, maybe that's why she went close to the wrists"
"Probably most patients do."
"Stop it"
I cry
"Stop what baby?"
"Stop talking about me right in front of my face!"
"We just want to know why you did it?"
Amelia questions
"I'm not telling. I'm gonna try to sleep."
"Alright honey, I'll be right here when you wake up"
I nod and I try to get comfortable.
I eventually fall asleep