Psycho Killer

Therapy

We head to therapy at 10am the next morning
I feel sick with anxiety
and then we head to my therapy session.
I sign in and I sigh as I feel the babies kick.
"Are you alright?"
"Yeah the babies are just really active...that's what being six and half months pregnant is"
Amelia and Clara come out.
"Hello"
I smile lightly.
"Hi"
We walk in.
We take our seats and Amelia pulls out her notebook.
She smiles at me.
"How've you been Em?"
"I've been feeling a bit all over the place"
"Um okay have you been sleeping?"
"Not really...I keep having nightmares and now they've turned into flashbacks. I can't escape from the demons inside of my head"
She nods.
"That must be hard, how are you dealing with it? Are you coping well?"
"I'm not really dealing with it, I- I pretend that I'm okay"
JJ holds my hand as I sob.
"When was the last time you self harmed?"
I'm reluctant to answer
I look away from JJ
"I did..it- two days ago."
She turns her head to me
"You did it two days ago and you didn't tell me?"
"I'm sorry!"
I start to sob and she embraces me
"Why didn't you tell me baby?"
"I wanted to forget about it."
She holds me tightly as I cry.
"I'm here baby"
"I- I need to go home, I'm sorry"
"That's okay Em, have a good day"
"I'll try"
JJ immediately hugs me once I get into the car.
I start to sob as she rubs my back.
"I want to talk to when we get home baby"
I continue to sob the whole way home
My body feels so heavy and it's hard to move
She helps me out of the car as I struggle.
I get inside and I go up to the cats.
I hold Sergio and then I feed all the cats.
I come downstairs after getting into my pyjamas.
I wrap my robe around me and I feel the babies harshly kick me.
I keep walking and then JJ notices me waddling around.
"Oh are you okay baby?"
"Uh huh...just having a bit of discomfort"
She sits me down and holds my hand.
"Deep breaths honey, breathe through the pain"
I start to sob so she embraces me.
"I- I can't do it anymore"
"Do what sweetie?"
"I can't- I can't fake being happy"
"Oh sweetie you don't need to fake it, you need to tell me how you feel"
"I- I don't want to hurt- you"
"Baby please...I want to make you feel okay and safe. I can't do that if you don't talk to me"
"I love you"
"I love you more"
I go up to bed and attempt to get some sleep.