Psycho Killer

Going out

I wake up to Sloane crying and fussing.
I check her diaper and I change it.
I hold her for a while since she wants to be held.
I bring her into our room so I can check the time.
JJ nuzzles into me as she mumbles to herself.
I watch as she wakes up and she smiles at me
"Hey baby"
"Hi honey"
She smiles more when she sees Sloane lying on my chest.
"We should get up it's nine o clock"
I nod and I get myself dressed as Sloane watches
When I'm finished, I take her into her room and get her dressed.
I change Lux and Grayson's diapers and then I get them dressed for the day.
I go downstairs and feed them as JJ gets dressed.
She comes downstairs and helps me to feed them.
I hold Lux's hand as we walk to the park.
I push her on the swing while holding my bump.
JJ plays with Grayson and Sloane on the four seater seesaw.
I smile at Lux who's smiling at me
"Higher...mommy!"
I push her a little higher but she still wants to go higher
"ME WANNA GO HIGHER!!"
She screech's as I flinch.
JJ observes as I reluctantly push her.
Her scream has put me off.
"Baby sh calm down!?"
"No! ME WANNA GO HIGH"
"You're going high enough sweetie!"
She pouts and her bottom lip trembles.
I stop the swing as she makes a whining noise.
I pick her up and I put her head on my shoulder.
JJ watches as I soothe her
I calm her down and then I distract her by putting her on the slide
"Yay!"
She squeals.
We go home shortly after and I chop up some vegetables.
The urges to kill myself arise again.
I ignore it and finish making the dinner.
I pull off my jumper since I'm too hot and the scars are just the tip of the iceberg
All I want is to hurt myself again.
I can feel Lane's breath against my ear
JJ walks in as my hand is shaking holding the knife.
"Hey- it's okay. You're alright, can you put the knife down for me baby please"
My hand shakes as I put it aside.
She comes close to me and she hugs me.
"I- I wasn't going to do anything"
"You were thinking of it"
I sob as I grip at her shirt
"Mommy, you sad?"
Sloane asks as she pulls at my jeans
"Yes sweetie mommy's sad but I'll be okay"
"Okay mommy"
I kiss her and she runs off to play with her toys.
JJ holds me as I cry.
"You don't deserve me baby"
"I do, I love you"
"I love you more"
She makes the rest of the dinner while I sit the kids in their high chairs.
I help them to eat and then I put them down for the night.
"Night Sloane"
"Night mommy"
I kiss her forehead as she lies down.
"Night Lux"
"Night mommy"
She kisses me.
"Night Grayson"
"Night mommy"
He smiles as I kiss him.
I turn in the baby monitor and I turn on their baby monitor.
I close the door and go downstairs.
I eat my dinner and then I sit on the couch.
"You worthless whore!"
He shouts at me once he caught me trying to escape from the room.
I jump and JJ sits down beside me
"Sh you're safe baby"
I sob into her shirt as she puts her arm around me.
"Tell me what's up honey?"
"I don't even know anymore"
"Is it a mix of things?"
I nod.
"Alright tell you what....why don't we go upstairs and I'll run you a nice warm bath so that you can feel relaxed?"
"Y-yes please"
She smiles as she comes upstairs with me.
She lights a lavender candle.
She puts some calming body wash into the bath as she gives it a swirl.
She checks the temperature
"Can you get yourself undressed honey?"
I shake my head rapidly as I sob.
"Okay hey hey it's okay"
She smiles as she removes my tank top.
She kisses my bump before she removes my bra.
She takes off my pants but I slide my panties down so she doesn't have to touch me there.
She eases me into the bath.
She goes to leave
"Can you stay?"
"Of course baby, I just heard a baby cry so I'm going to settle them"
"Oh okay"
She comes back minutes later.
"Who was it?"
"Grayson"
I nod slightly and she holds my hand
"Can- can you get- in with me?"
"Okay"
She removes her clothes.
She sits down behind me and I let myself be fully vulnerable.
She holds me as I let out terrifying sobs.
"Oh honey- tell me what's on your mind?"
"I feel victimised all over again. I'm living in fear because I fear that he'll get me again"
"He can't get to you baby"
"Easy for you to say"
"I'm sorry baby, I'm so sorry I didn't mean that!"
"No no honey please, it's okay"
"I feel like my heart is being ripped out of me 24/7 baby"
She nods as she helps me out of the bath.
She dries me and rubs some stretch mark cream onto my bump.
I get into my pyjamas and I fall straight asleep because of how exhausted I am.