The Phan in Our Stars

Part Five

After the amputation, the doctors had assured that Phil's chances of relapse were one in a million. It's funny; Phil always was one in a million.

The battle against cancer had been hard before, but it wasn't a battle anymore. Phil had lost.

And no matter how much Dan denied it, it was only a matter of time now.

People say "It gets easier," and Dan was just beginning to believe it before that midnight train to Manchester. For Phil, things didn't get easier and time didn't heal. No matter how much Phil denied it, Dan knew that he was in more pain than ever before. It hurt Dan more than he knew possible to watch Phil be in so much pain.

After three weeks of staying with Phil's family in Manchester, Dan could barely look at Phil anymore without wanting to cry. Last time, the blow had been softened by treatments and reassuring doctors and Phil cracking jokes like always. Things weren't like that this time. There were no treatments that would cure Phil; no doctors to tell stories of battles won; no energy left in the shell that had once been the love of Dan's life to crack jokes. Phil barely spoke anymore and spent most of his time sleeping. There were moments, though, when Phil would seem almost normal.

One of these moments was on a rainy afternoon when Dan came in to check on Phil, who was still in bed, as he nearly always was nowadays.

"You awake?" Dan forced a smile onto his face, sitting on the edge of the bed.

"Yeah," Phil smiled for the first time in ages and Dan felt a flutter in his chest.

"How're you feeling?"

"Awful," Phil wheezed in a pathetic attempt at laughter, "How was lunch?"

"Good," Dan smiled, "as always. Your mum really outdoes herself."

"She likes cooking. It's distracting."

"Phil, don't—"

"It's true."

"Why do you have to be like that, Phil?" Dan asked, frowning.

"Like what?" Phil moaned.

"You were always so cheerful, always looking on the bright side of everything. What happened to that Phil, huh?"

"He got bloody cancer that's what happened to him," Phil spat.

It was silent for a moment before Dan said, "I'm sorry."

"Sorry doesn't fix it."

"Phil!"

"Why do you stay here?" Phil suddenly seemed to have more energy than he had in a long time. "Why don't you go back to London and just remember me the way I was when everything was fine?"

"I'm not leaving you, Phil—"

"Why not?" he was nearly shouting now, "You can't help anything so what the hell is the point of you destroying yourself watching me die?"

"I love you, Phil," tears welled in Dan's eyes as he continued, barely audible, "I'm not— I'm not ready to let go yet."

Phil stared at Dan for a long time before he started to cry too. "I'm sorry that I'm doing this to you."

"You haven't done anything to me," Dan reassured, pushing Phil's hair out of his eyes.

"Your life would have been so much happier if you had never met me," Phil cried.

"No," Dan interrupted, "Don't you dare even think that for one minute Phillip Lester. This— This is hard. And this hurts. But Phil, don't you dare think that this makes the past six years meaningless. Look at us. Look at all we've done together Phil! You encouraged me to make YouTube videos. You helped me realize the things I really cared about: the things that really mattered. Everything I've accomplished: The radio show, the award presentations, the awards won, the people I've met, the places I've gone, it's all because of you. If I hadn't met you, I would just be— who knows. A sad lawyer, probably. And don't even get me started on the things we've done together Phil. All the Mario Kart battles and sad movies and falling in love with you more and more every day and the kisses and cuddles. Don't you dare think that this makes all of that not count. Phil, you've made me happier than I ever could have been on my own. I owe you everything. I— I love you so much."

The tears flowed freely from both boys eyes now and Dan laid down next to Phil and took him into his arms.

"I love you too," Phil mumbled, clenching onto Dan with all that he had. "I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you."

They lay like that the rest of the night.