The Phan in Our Stars

II

Phil lay in bed, his eyes heavy, after another long, sleepless night. Phil's recent lack of sleep was not, in fact, cancer-related, although that was his excuse to Dan. In reality, Phil simply wasn't used to sleeping in the Wembley flat yet.

It wasn't that Phil didn't like the new place; it was nice: bigger than their old apartment by far. It had a big, spacious kitchen, a living room and a lounge as well as an office and the bedrooms were much bigger than their old ones. But Phil couldn't adjust. Night after night, Phil lied in bed, staring at the ceiling in silence.

Silence.

That was the real issue. Phil had complained for two years about Dan keeping him up at night. The pacing around his room at 4 am, the muttering to himself all hours of the night, Dan had always come up with ways to keep Phil awake at night from the next room. But now Dan wasn't in the next room.

If the Wembley flat had a fatal flaw it was simply that the two bedrooms were on separate ends if the house. While Phil's room was between the lounge and the office, Dan slept across the house on the other side of the kitchen. It was now, for the first time, that Phil realized that Dan's bumbling about at 4 am wasn't annoying, it was comforting. When Phil's cancer pains had kept him up at night, Dan's voice and presence had always been there on the other side of the wall. Now, all he had to comfort him in the night was.. Silence.

Despite the fact that Phil was absolutely exhausted, he decided that he wasn't going to fall asleep either way and decided to get up. He went to the kitchen a popped a Pop Tart in the toaster. After his diagnosis, Phil had decided that he was going to indulge in these magical muffin envelopes more often. It was the least he could do for himself. He then continued on to Dan's room where he found him frantically searching through drawers.

"Haven't seen my black jeans have you?" He asked in a panic.

"Is that a joke?" Dan had so many pairs of black jeans this question seemed ridiculous.

"My favorite black jeans" Dan corrected himself. Phil noticed the open, half-full suitcase lying open on the bed.

"Aww are you leaving today?"

"Yeah," Dan said as Phil remembered with a pang of disappointment that Dan was going to visit his family today. "You're sure you'll be alright?"

"Yeah," said Phil, distracted, "I'll be fine.."

"Even at chemo tomorrow? You can manage without me?" Dan asked, a little worried.

"Dan, I'll be fine!" Phil reassured him, "All I have to do it's catch a bus there and a bus back. No big deal."

Dan sighed, "As long as you're sure. I really don't have to--"

"Yes!" Phil interrupted him, "you haven't visited your family in forever, you need to go home."

"Okay," Dan replied, "If that's really the case, then can you help me find my jeans??"

"Yeah," Phil said, "just let me go get my poptarts." He was glad he had convinced Dan that all was well, because, if he was completely honest, he hadn't entirely convinced himself.