The Phan in Our Stars

Part Two

To say the TFiOS screening was crowded was a definite understatement. Stratton Street was so crowded that cars could barely get to the May Fair. Dan wasn't sure what he had been expecting: naturally, an invitation-only, red carpet premiere would be packed. Despite this, Dan couldn't help but be disappointed. He had been looking forward to this for so long and he had hoped for something a little more-- intimate? He looked over at Phil as they got out of the car and walked toward the hotel through the crowd. He looked genuinely happy, grinning ear to ear. He looked so great, Dan couldn't help but to think...

No. Dan pushed that thought out of his mind. Like always.

After what seemed to Dan to be a far too long period of greeting and wading through seas of pepople, he and Phil finally made their way into the cinema. Their seats which were positioned close to the center of the theatre were waiting for them with buckets of popcorn. Dan took his seat and Phil sat down next to him, still smiling.

"You know what, Dan?" Phil asked, digging into his backpack, "I'm actually really excited!"

"Good," Dan said, smiling back at him, "What are you looking for?"

"These!" Phil said, triumphantly, pulling his arm out of his bag, clenching a small pack of tissues.

"Oh," Dan laughed, "Yeah, I'm probably going to need those."

"Me too," Phil admitted, "Here, we should take a picture!"

"Okay," Dan laughed, pulling out his phone.

"Here, I'll hold the tissues, and you hold the popcorn," Phil directed, "Make sure you get the screen in it!"

"Okay, don't worry," Dan giggled as he took the photo. Even though he was sweet-natured, Phil was always directing and taking control of every situation. He was so creative and brilliant and Dan envied that sometimes, but most times, like now, he just loved it. He wished more people would realize how brilliant Phil really was. There were times when Dan got annoyed at Phil for not taking charge often enough: he could remember multiple fights they'd had on the subject. It created some tension between the two boys, but Dan was just looking out for Phil. He wanted the best for him.

"Is that a satisfacory tissue picture?" Dan asked, turning his phone for Phil to see.

"Yes, I suppose that'll work," Phil teased, a twinge of mock disappointment in his voice.

"Okay, well, as long as it's satisfacory to you, I'm going to put it on twitter," Dan said.

"Daniel!" Phil joked, "No phones in the theatre!"

"Haha," Dan said, dryly, "I'll turn it off in a minute, you twat."

"Hey," Phil mock scolded like always, "Watch it!" Dan just nudged Phil with his elbow in response. They laughed and talked a little more before the lights went down for the movie to begin. Phil had trouble focusing on the topic of conversation, though; all he could focus on was Dan. He seemed so happy, laughing and joking, and Phil was happy too. For those few minutes, everything was happy and normal, and Phil loved it. Then, the lights began to dim and, the next thing Phil knew, the movie was starting.

* * *

"Oh my god," Phil said, rubbing his eyes.

"I know," Dan choked, covering his face with his hands.

"Are you okay?" Phil asked, leaning in toward his friend.

Dan uncovered his face and stared at Phil's tear-streaked face through puffy eyes, "Did you seriously just ask that question?"

A slight smile spread across Phil's tear-stained face, "A bit insensitive was it?" he asked.

"A bit," Dan answered, "But the answer is no. I am not okay."

"Awe, Dan--"

"I just can't right now," Dan said, covering his face again to hide another sob, "It was just so perfect and.. I just can't"

Phil stared at Dan for a moment, just falling apart right before his eyes. Phil longed to be there for him, to say something comforting, to be strong for him, he just... couldn't. He could barely stay strong enough for himself.

* * *

By the time the two boys arrived back at their apartment and traversed the stairs to the lounge, Phil had managed to put himself together, at least on the outside, and Dan had stopped crying, although he was being very quiet.

"You alright, Dan?" Phil asked gently as Dan sat on the sofa.

"Honestly Phil," Dan said quietly, "I'm not sure if I'll ever be alright again."

"Oh, don't exaggerate," Phil said, trying to hide the fact that he very well may never be alright again either. "You want me to make you some tea?"

"No," Dan answered, "I want to you come here."

Phil sat on the sofa next to his best friend. "Phil?" Dan asked.

"What?"

"I just need to not be alright for a while I think. Is that okay?"

"Yes," Phil answered, a little shocked. Dan laid his head on Phil's shoulder and let out a silent sob. "To be honest," Phil said, choking up a little, "I need to too."

"You need to what?" Dan asked through tears, sitting up again.

"Be not okay," Phil answered. Dan was a little shocked at this. He rarely saw Phil upset and he never admitted it so bluntly.

"Okay," Dan said, smiling a little, "We can be not okay together"

"I don't know, Dan..." Phil said, choking up.

"Phil, what's wrong?" scooted closer to his friend, and put an arm around his shoulders "Is this still just about the movie?"

"You know what, I'll be fine," Phil said, trying to hide his tears again, "I just need to sleep I think--"

"No, Phil, you're just going to bed? Just like that?" Dan asked, a little hurt that his friend was leaving him like this alone.

Phil stood up, "Yeah, I'm just... I'm just really tired." A sharp pain shot through his leg.

"Phil!" Dan said, raising his voice, a little angrily, "No! Come here!"

"I really need to go to bed, Dan," Phil answered without turning. He began retreating towards his bedroom, but Dan quickly stood up.

"No, Phil!" Dan said, "This isn't just about the movie is it? Something has been bothering you the past few days, hasn't it?" Silence. "I knew it," Dan said, but Phil continued to walk away from him, "Phil, could you please tell me?"

"It's really nothing, Dan," Phil answered quietly, "Please--"

"So there is something then? What, is it too secret?" Dan asked, angry now, "Something too secret to tell your best friend?" Dan reached out and grabbed Phil's arm, swinging him around. An intense pain exploaded in Phil's leg and he stumbled, nearly falling to the ground. "Oh my god, Phil," Dan caught him, and helped him regain his balance, "Are you okay?"

Phil's face contorted in pain, "No," he mumbled through the pain, his leg still throbbing, "I need to sit down." Dan lead him back to the sofa and helped him sit down. His leg was still throbbing, but the pain was less severe now.

"For fuck's sake Phil," Dan said, sitting back down on the sofa, "What is going on?"

Phil turned to look at his best friend. Dan's eyes were wet and his face was still stained with tears though the scare with Phil had stopped the tears from running down his face. "You're right," Phil said, "I need to tell you something."

"What is it, Phil?" Dan asked, staring intensely into Phil's big, wet blue eyes. Phil winced in pain, both from his leg and from the pain he knew he was about to inflict on his best friend in the entire world.

"Dan, I--" he began, but the pain was becoming to much. A tear ran down his face and he buried his face in his hands. He couldn't do it. He just sat there, incapable of speech and slowly began to sob.