The Phan in Our Stars

Part Four

The next day consisted mainly of sleep for Dan. He and Phil had stayed up most of the night in the lounge, so he was exhausted: physically and emotionally. Finally, at around 15:30, Dan willed himself to get out of bed. He peeked in Phil's room on his way downstairs and was surprised to find that he was already out of bed. Phil wasn't in the kitchen when Dan got there either, so he must've been up for a while.

Dan found Phil in the lounge, lying on the his stomach on the sofa watching 'Friends' and laughing. He stood there for a moment without saying anything before Phil noticed him, just watching him. He looked so normal, like there was nothing wrong. But there was, there was something terribly wrong.

No. Dan decided he mustn't think like that. Phil was still Phil. Even if he was a Phil that was filled with cancer, he was the same person he always had been, only now, Dan had a newfound respect for him. As he watched him lie there he drank in every detail with love and appreciation: His dark fringe that he was constantly pushing out of his eyes; the way the corners of his big, blue eyes crinkled when he laughed; his friendly, genuine smile. Dan loved every detail of Phil as he lay there. Color began to rise in Dan cheeks as all of the feelings he'd been evolving (but supressing) over the past few months overwhelmed his entire being. Finally, Dan spoke up, "Hey, Phil."

"Hey, look who finally decided to get out of bed!" Phil laughed. He was in a much better mood than he had been last night when he had gone to bed. He seemed completely normal as he smiled up at Dan, "I'm glad you're up," he said, snapping Dan back into reality, "I was getting bored down here all alone."

Reality, right. Just friends. "Well, you're gonna be bored a while longer. I'm starved."

"No problem," Phil said, sitting up, "I'll come sit with you. I could use a drink anyway."

Phil stood up slowly and followed Dan to the kitchen, limping slightly. Yesterday, Dan wouldn't even have noticed the limp, but today Phil might as well been wearing a neon sign that said "I HAVE CANCER". Dan could kick himself for not noticing his friend's pain. How long had Phil been suffering? Nearly a month? And Dan hadn't noticed a thing wrong until last night! What kind of person are you, Dan thought to himself, so busy feeling sorry for yourself about falling for your best friend that you don't even notice he's dying.

"So," Phil said, putting coffee on, "Did you sleep okay?" he turned around to face Dan, resting his elbows on the counter behind him.

Dan stared at him for a minute. Did he sleep okay? Did he sleep okay? As good as one can sleep after he's just found out his best friend in the entire universe who he's been massively crushing on for the past four months will probably be dead very soon, thank you for asking, Dan thought, but all he said was, "Yeah."

Phil sighed, "I have a load more to tell you, but we don't have to talk about it right--"

"No, it's fine," Dan interrupted him. Pancakes. That's what he needed. Pancakes.

"Well," Phil began, as Dan scrounged the cabinet for flour, "Ever since the PET, I've been seeing a specialist."

Seeing a specialist. Of course. Something else Dan had been too ignorant to notice.

"Dr. Morris. Anyway, he wants to start chemo and radiation next week,"

Chemo and radiation. Dan finally found the flour.

"He thinks it might minimize the chances of required surgery,"

Surgery. Salt, he needed salt now.

"Anyway, after the chemo starts stairs won't exactly be my best friend,"

Stairs. Found the salt. Now what? Eggs? Dan opened the fridge. Of course, the aprtment is full of stairs.

"So, I know we just went apartment shopping, but, it looks like we're going to have to again. I'm sorry Dan, I know it sucks, but--"

Sorry. Dan grabbed the eggs, milk, and butter out of the fridge and closed the door.

"Don't be sorry," Dan said, "I hate stairs anyway."

Phil laughed, "I know you do," he said, pouring himself a cup of coffee, "I've been doing some looking online. I found some nice stair-free flats I thought we could go look at in the next couple of days"

Dan started making his pancakes, silently.

"You want some coffee?" Phil offered.

"Um, yeah," Dan watched as Phil poured him a cup and handed it to him. It was weird to Dan how casually Phil was talking. Just last night neither of them could even think about the subject of cancer without bursting into tears, and now Phil was talking about it over breakfast. (Well 15:30 breakfast). But, things had changed, Dan supposed, even in the last eleven hours. Then, cancer had been a shock, an injustice, an evil, and now, it was an aspect of their lives: Something they had to live with. And that was exactly what Phil was doing: Living with it.

"That sounds great by the way," Dan said, flipping his pancakes, "House shopping, I mean."

"Really?" Phil was a little shocked, "Thank goodness, I was worried that you'd be annoyed."

"Annoyed?"

"Yeah, you know, since we just went a couple weeks ago,"

"Phil, why would that annoy me? It's not like it's your fault!" Dan exclaimed.

"I know, but.. Oh god, Dan, your pancakes!!" Dan turned and realized his pancakes were starting to burn. He quickly turned off the oven, barely managing to save them. "Thanks," Dan turned around, but Phil was closer than he had thought, and he bumped into him.

"Woah," Dan's heart started racing, "Sorry."

"It's fine," Phil stepped back and sat at the table, "I'm used to your clumsiness,' he teased.

"Very funny," said Dan, serving himself some pancakes and taking the seat next to Phil.

"Oh those do look good," Phil said, eyeing Dan's breakfast, "Even if it is a miracle they didn't burn,"

"Of course they're good," Dan said, "I am the pancake master!"

Phil opened his mouth, leaning in playfully.

"Ah! No!" Dan said, scooting his plate away from Phil, "These are my pancakes. Go get some off the stove if you want!" Phil slouched, sticking out his bottom lip just a little.

"Pwease?" he asked, batting his eyes. He lifted his hands, like paws and leaned in toward Dan, "Meow."

"Phil what are you even doing?" Dan laughed,

"Daniel I'm a cat!" He bat his eyes some more and meowed, "How can you say no to a poor little cat?"

He was so cute, Dan got a bite of pancake on his fork and fed it to his friend, who let out a satisfied "Mmmmmm!" "There, now that's it. If you want more, go get your own!" Dan said, still laughing a little.

Phil pouted again, "Awe Danielllll," Phil leaned in close to Dan's face. Dan's stomach flipped over and he was half-tempted to just kiss Phil right there. "Alright," he gave in and got up to get his friend a plate of pancakes.

"Wow, Dan, a little pouty face and I've got you wrapped around my finger," Phil joked, laughing.

"You have no idea." Dan thought to himself.