CoMari Au (Omori)

Pt 19

It's cruel to indulge him in his delusion, the one that's been going on for four years, formed because he cannot let me own up to my own actions.

The delusion that it was not me, that it was SOMETHING.

But the truth is, it was me who nearly killed her, me who scribbled out her faces in the photos, me who hurt and hurt and hurt everybody I loved, everybody I cared about.

But it would be even more cruel to take him out of his comfortable bliss of lies, especially while he remains in this fragile mental state.

I've never been good with speaking words. In fact, I'd given it up completely for the four years I wasted away as a hikikomori, but even before that, I wasn't all that familiar with talking either. I chose to remain silent for most of my time as a kid, letting MARI or AUBREY or KEL or HERO speak for me. It was better when those kind of people spoke for me. 

MARI, with her undeniable gracefulness, elegance and love for everything and everyone.

AUBREY, with her loud and bluntness, not afraid to shove the truth down your throat.

KEL, with his unmatched friendliness and loud happiness, always there to make you smile, no matter who you were, no matter how hard you were crying.

HERO, with his charm.

BASIL was the only one who never really spoke for me. He was far too anxious, and had a slight stutter when he was younger, that he was insecure about, despite it being cute -to me at least- and hardly noticeable. 

He hardly spoke in public, like me, but unlike me, on those hot August nights and cold December mornings, the kind where you're bored, sitting with your best friend, wondering what to do, that was when BASIL would speak. He was good at speaking. He could make his words sound poetic, and they were all true.

The only lies BASIL ever told were his own senseless delusions, of which he had many.

BASIL takes a deep breath in, his soft pink lips quivering. 

"Sunny... why..." BASIL bites his lip, tears starting to flow from his wide eyes. "When you were on top of that hospital building... and so was I..."

I nod, and brush the tears from his face, my wordless way of letting him know he should continue speaking.

"I know we both went up there to... commit suicide. But then you did this weird thing... you were saying how much you loved me... and you tried to get me to jump at the same time as you..." BASIL's lip quivers, and he puts his head on my shoulder, trying to stop the tears. After a few seconds, he begins speaking again. "YOU GRABBED ME AND I DIDN'T LIKE IT!"

He starts to cry, hard, sobbing into my shoulder. I run my hands through his soft, blond hair, which smells faintly like cucumber melon soap. Though I try my best not to, I start to cry as well, burying my head in his soft hair.

We must look like such a mess. Two boys, in hospital gowns, crying into each other.

Depressing.

He mumbles something into me I can't hear, and then he pulls away from me, just so that I can hear him.

"I didn't like it when you touched me like that yesterday."

I bite my tongue, trying to find the right words to reply with.

I say my words softly, guilt seeping through my words and making itself painfully known. "I know."

BASIL doesn't like that response. To be fair, it wasn't the best one. But in my defense, it was the honest one. And if I'm going to make this relationship work, I have to be honest.

He looks at me, right in the eyes, and says, his voice cold and low and sharp, "If you knew than why did you do it?"

The question was rhetorical. 

"If you knew, then why did you do it multiple times? Here I am, defending you, thinking to myself that you just didn't know. That you're so innocent. So high and mighty, so good and pure. And you're not." He continues, his voice beginning to break. "And I wish you were. I wish... I wish I didn't idolize you. I wish I had the balls to leave this toxic relationship and... do something. Something that matters. But I don't. I'm weak."

I run my hand through his hair almost instinctively, trying to get him to calm down. He flinches slightly, but lets me follow through with the movement.

"You're so nice to me! You kiss me and shower me with praise and cuddle and coddle me and then you just... don't. Make up your mind! I can deal with you when you're abusive because I am completely justified in leaving! But... when you change your attitude like that... I don't know what to do. I'm willing to do anything to help you!"

I nod my head again. "I just don't know what I need. Maybe therapy or something."

BASIL smiles. "See? You know you need help. I will get help for you. I swear."

I put my slender finger on BASIL's cheek, moving him into a kiss.

(850 words)